The Creeps: A Samuel Johnson Tale

troops from Hell to Earth, not since the first portal had been closed by the boy named Samuel Johnson and his friends. Only the little demon named Crudford was able to move from realm to realm without difficulty, and now the future of the Multiverse lay in his small, slimy hands.

How strange, thought the Great Malevolence, that so much power should reside in such an unthreatening, and curiously contented, little body. Had Crudford been larger, or more vicious, or more cunning, he might even have been a threat to the Great Malevolence itself. Instead, Crudford just seemed happy to help. The Great Malevolence was baffled. It couldn’t figure out what Crudford was doing in Hell to begin with. All things considered, he really didn’t belong there.

“Go,” said the Great Malevolence to the Watcher. “Fly to the very edge of our kingdom. Wait there, and when Crudford returns with the heart, bring them both to me.”

The Great Malevolence realized what it had said: When Crudford returns with the heart.

“When,” not “if.”

This is very bad, thought the Great Malevolence. I am becoming an optimist. There could only be one reason for it: Crudford, Esq. In some dreadful way, the demon’s good nature was starting to infect Hell itself. The Great Malevolence could not allow this situation to continue. It decided that, once the heart had been returned to Hell, Crudford would have to be dealt with. When Mrs. Abernathy’s heart was cast into the icy Lake of Cocytus, there to remain frozen forever, it would have some company in its misery

Crudford would be freezing right alongside it.

• • •

Back in Biddlecombe, there was silence for a time.

“Who?” said Professor Stefan at last.

“Mrs. Abernathy,” said Maria, and set about explaining as best she could. Professor Stefan and Professor Hilbert looked as if they didn’t care to believe her, but it was hard to doubt Maria when everything she told them was being backed up by two demons dressed as elves and a third who was polishing his hat.

“She wants revenge,” said Crudford, when Maria had finished speaking. “She’s gone mad. She was always a bit mad, but when she traveled to Earth and the Ba’al bits got mixed up with the Abernathy bits, she went completely bonkers. If she’s made a deal with the Shadows, then she doesn’t care about the Great Malevolence or anything else: all she wants is a last chance to punish Samuel Johnson and everyone who stood alongside him. She will have her vengeance—at any cost.”

“And her heart is somewhere in there?” said Professor Stefan, indicating Wreckit & Sons.

“I think so,” said Crudford. “I can hear it beating, but it’s so loud that I’m not sure where exactly it’s coming from anymore. All I know is that the heart is close, and the toy shop is the center of power for all that’s happening here, so my guess is that it’s in there somewhere.”

“But how do we get in?” said Professor Stefan. “I mean, there’s an immense occult force field protecting the store. We can’t go messing about with it. Somebody might get hurt. I might get hurt.”

Crudford removed his hat and took out his trusty notebook and pencil. He scribbled away frantically for a few minutes. Finally he shouted “Eureka!”?⁵⁷ and showed the results of his efforts to all.

The Great Malevolence would have been familiar with the looks of bafflement that met Crudford’s display of his work, for it consisted only of this:

“It’s an arrow,” said Brian. “What are we going to do, attack the shop with Indians?”

Crudford raised his eyes to the darkening skies in frustration.

“No,” he said. “We’re just going to do this.”

He squelched over to the occult barrier, reached down, and lifted up the bottom the way one might raise a curtain on a stage to peek at what lies behind.

“Simple,” said Crudford. “I’d try not to touch the edge of the barrier as you crawl under. It’ll hurt—if you live long enough to feel it.”

55. A small joke playing on the words transparent and clear, which mean the same thing, pretty much. It troubles me that I have to explain some of these jokes—not to you, obviously: I know that you’re hugely intelligent, and you got that joke straight off, but not everyone is as bright as you. Maybe there should be a test before we allow people to read this book. We could pay people to wait in bookstores and libraries, and when someone picks the book up with the intention of reading it, the tester could then step in with a list of simple questions. You know:

1. If you see a door marked PUSH, should you (a) Pull; (b) Push?

2. If you see a sign on the street that reads CAUTION: DO NOT CROSS HERE, do you (a) Cross; (b) Look for somewhere else to cross.

3. If you are at the zoo, and see a notice on the lions’ cage that says DANGEROUS ANIMALS: DO NOT PUT HAND THROUGH BARS, do you (a) Put your hand through the bars, and waggle your fingers invitingly; (b) Keep a safe distance and, therefore, keep your hand, too.

If you have answered (a) to any of these questions, then you are not bright enough to read this book, and we also have another question for you: namely, how come you’re still alive?

56. You will know that you are getting old when you go upstairs to do something and, by the time you get there, you’ve forgotten what it is that you went upstairs to do. You will know that you are very old when you get upstairs and can’t remember where you are. And you will know that you are very, very old when you get upstairs and can’t get downstairs again. You may laugh now, but the old-age bus has a seat for everyone.

57. Eureka, which comes from ancient Greek, means “I have found it,” and is reputed to be what the Greek scholar Archimedes (287–212 B.C.) shouted after he stuck a foot in his bath and noticed that the water level rose. This was because he had realized that the volume of water displaced by his foot was equal to the volume of the foot itself. This meant that, by submerging them in water, the volume of irregularly shaped objects could now be measured, which had been impossible—or very, very difficult—before.

It also enabled Archimedes to solve a problem set for him by King Hiero II, who wanted to know if a gold crown that had been made for him was pure or had been polluted with silver so that the goldsmith could cheat him. Archimedes knew that he could now weigh the crown against a piece of gold of similar weight, and then submerge both in water. If they were of the same density, then they would displace the same amount of water, but if the gold of the crown had been mixed with silver, then it would be less dense and would displace less water, and so the king would know that he had been cheated.

Archimedes was supposed to have been so excited by his discovery that he ran naked through the streets of Athens. You can only get away with this sort of thing if you’re a genius. If you’re not, they’ll lock you up or, at the very least, give you a very stern talking-to. You may also catch cold, or injure yourself on a gate.

XXXIII

In Which Spiggit’s Plays an Important Role

THE VARIOUS DOLLS, TEDDY bears, and small battery-powered animals that had forced Samuel and the others up to the next level of Wreckit & Co. watched in silence as Crudford led Maria and the others into the store. The aftermath of battle was still visible. There were disembodied limbs lying on the floor, and teddy bears with their stuffing hanging out. A makeshift doll hospital had been set up close to the lift, and dolls wearing the uniforms of doctors and nurses were doing their best to reinsert arms and legs, and the occasional head, into the correct sockets. Some of the larger dolls still clutched knives, and a couple of stuffed toys snarled at the new arrivals, but none of the toys made any attempt to attack.

“What happened here?” asked Maria.

Nurd took in the Nerf bullets and sports balls scattered across the floor.

“My guess is that this lot tried to attack Samuel and whoever else was trapped, and they got more than they bargained for,” he said.