because if it is–'
He stepped in front of me, cutting me off both verbally and physically. I blew out a breath of exasperation and stared at our feet. He lifted my chin with his fingers to look me in the eye.
'The thought of you fighting scares the hell out of me. If something happens to you …' His voice trailed off. He shook his head, as if erasing a horrible thought. 'I can't lose you, my love. I need you to be prepared for anything.'
The pain in his eyes, dimming the gold flecks, engulfed me. My throat worked to swallow the lump in it.
'I'll try harder next time,' I murmured. 'I'm just anxious to see Rina. If I can get the telepathy thing under control, we can find out about this girl. She and Dorian are all I can think about.'
Before Tristan could respond, we were ambushed by a six-year-old. Dorian came out of nowhere, flying into his dad's arms.
'Can we play now?' Dorian asked. Tristan looked at me.
I waved my hand, as if shooing them away. 'Go. Have fun.'
They took off, Dorian jabbering away.
After a quick shower, I rushed downstairs, picked up on Rina's mind and followed my sense to her. I hadn't realized what I'd done–picked out her 'voice' or brain wave or whatever it was–until I raised my hand to knock on the door of her study. I paused to consider that. I hadn't heard her thoughts, but I knew it was her I was sensing. Maybe …
'Come in, Alexis,' Rina called aloud from the other side of the door, interrupting my near epiphany.
I entered and closed the door behind me. Seeing Rina renewed my frustrations, but I pushed them aside. She had her reasons for her behavior, as did I. Besides, she was my grandmother and I didn't have much family. I needed to forgive her. Or at least move on.
'Is this a good time?' I asked.
She put aside whatever she'd been working on and moved, graceful as always, to the sitting area.
'Yes. Learning to control your gift is a priority.'
She sat in one of the high-backed chairs, and I sat on the small leather sofa, nervously groping for the non-existent pendant. My hand dropped with a heavy sigh. Something else to worry about, too. Tristan had made it clear we needed to recover the pendant from Vanessa. He'd said it couldn't be in the Daemoni's hands.
'Alexis, darling, we face many challenges, but we cannot solve them all at once,' Rina said. 'But working on your powers is a good first step.'
'So, what am I doing wrong?' I blurted out. 'It was so easy before, when we were at the beach house. Even with the Daemoni attack and Vanessa and everyone, I could still focus. Now I can barely control myself.'
Rina nodded. 'You had just gone through the Ang'dora. Your power has probably strengthened since, becoming more difficult to control. But, it is really more about your self-confidence. When Tristan was trying to kill you, you knew what you needed to do for him.'
I thought about that day, waking up and feeling all-powerful. I'd been so excited to finally be like Tristan, and I did believe I could conquer pretty much anything. My confidence had wavered, but not nearly as much as now. The feeling of being an alien, combined with all the problems nearly overwhelming me, weakened my spirit.
'A lack of confidence is understandable,' Rina said. 'You have been uprooted and replanted in a very strange place. It has been over one hundred years, but I remember well when I was brought to the Amadis and went through the Ang'dora. It takes time to become accustomed to it all, especially to your powers.'
'I feel like we don't have much time, though. There's so much going on.'
'You still measure time with a Norman perspective.' She shifted in her chair and folded her hands into her lap. 'However, you are right. We have little time regarding the traitor. We must identify him as soon as possible, before any serious damage is done.'
So she still didn't hold an ounce of belief in what I heard at the council meeting. She searched for someone else, a 'him,' and some other way someone was betraying her. If that motivated her to help me sooner rather than later, though, I would let it go.
'So what am I doing wrong?' I asked again.
'Let us focus on what you are doing right first,' she said with a small smile. 'You still have the wall I taught you to raise?'
'Yes, but barely. It seems to fall so easily anymore.'
'Mmm, yes. The wall is … how do I say it? It is what you call training wheels on a bicycle, yes? I taught you to envision it as a temporary solution to help you learn control. However, to use this gift to its fullest potential, you will eventually have to stop using the wall.'
I hadn't realized I'd been leaning closer to her until now, when I shrank back with anxiety. 'But I like the wall,' I protested. 'It keeps everyone's thoughts away and protects my own from jumping into their heads.'
'You are mistaken, Alexis. The wall only keeps others out. You protect your own thoughts. You can only share those if you want to and you are already very good at that.'
I fidgeted uncomfortably, but I needed to discuss this with her if I ever wanted to have a sex life again. 'And the other night? Every time we have sex?'
Rina lifted a shoulder in a graceful shrug. 'There is not much you can do about it. To truly enjoy the moment, you must be willing to completely let go. If you inhibit this part of you, you hinder other parts, too, such as the physical enjoyment.'
'So I'm doomed to either no sex, bad sex or letting everyone 'hear' me?'
She sat back in her chair. 'I would say that is your decision to make, but truthfully, it is not. You need to be having sex. As often as possible.'
If I'd been drinking anything, I would have spewed it in her face. Did she really say that?
'I apologize for being so blunt, but we need a daughter. But do not worry. Your thoughts are shielded.' She pursed her lips and tilted her head. 'In fact, your shield is too heavy–it protects your vulnerabilities, but it also inhibits the power of this gift.' She paused, rearranged her expression and waved her fingers dismissively. 'It will resolve itself on its own, I am sure. In the meantime, let us concentrate on controlling the many voices in your head and eliminating the wall.'
My heart jumped. 'Already?' I squeaked.
'Not completely. We will practice–you will practice–extensively first. Eventually, you will feel comfortable with letting it go.'
I took a deep breath and nodded. 'Okay. So how do I practice?'
I explained my usual technique with the black cloud that gave me something to focus on as I opened my mind to others. It worked well when it was only Tristan, Owen and me, but not so much anymore.
'Yes, that is an imperfect way to envision it,' Rina agreed. 'I expect it is easy with Tristan and Owen because you know their voices so well. You probably do not need that vision with them anymore. You are able to identify their specific mind signatures.'
'Their what?'
'Mind signatures. That is what I call them. It is difficult to explain, but if you have felt it, you understand what I mean. It is like a thought current I receive, but I do not actually hear the thought yet.'
'Oh! That's kind of how I just found you. I didn't hear your thoughts, but I did pick up your voice or your brain wave or something, and followed it here to your office.'
She smiled. 'Then you are becoming more familiar with me. You identified my mind signature. What you felt is produced by every brain, and each one is unique. Rather than sending out your cloud, imagine identifying the signature you want and then focus on it until you receive the thoughts. The signatures are already out there. Simply let yourself feel them and decide which one to focus on.'
'And I have to let the wall go to feel the signatures.'
'Correct. To start with, imagine the wall as a screen, letting only the signatures through, but not the thoughts. Become accustomed to the mind signatures, then learn to find the thoughts behind them, letting only one person's stream of thoughts through the screen at a time. If too many thoughts start flowing through the screen at once, you can solidify the wall. When you are not practicing, you can keep the wall up. You will learn, however, to function almost normally without the wall or screen, letting the signatures … hmm, how do I say? ... float–I
