“Stop that, and she's in the stove, okay? The stove!”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Betsy's dead stepmother is haunting her,” Jessica told him.
“Oh, that's – ” Nick threw his hands up in the air and walked around in a tight little circle.
“The last straw?” Sinclair suggested. “I quite agree. So snatch up your girlfriend and flee for your lives.”
“That's it,” Jessica said. “I just doubled your rent.”
“Everything in the whole world sucks.” I rested my chin in my hand and stared past Sinclair's shoulder at the window over the sink. “Every. Single. Thing.”
“A pity,” Sinclair replied. “And you were in such a charming mood, too. Although a little warning would be appreciated the next time you do something drastic to your hair.”
“Oh, it'll be blond again tomorrow, who cares? What was I thinking, when I said I could do this job? I must have been out of my mind!”
“That's the spirit,” Nick said, instantly cheering up.
“Stop that,” Sinclair and Jessica ordered in unison. They looked at each other in surprise, almost laughed, and then Jessica continued. “You're doing the best you can. Nobody expects more.”
“Ha!” I pointed to her boyfriend. “He does.”
“And I can't be the only one,” Nick added.
“Well, what's she supposed to do, smart guy? By all means, enlighten all of us. How would you help run the vampire kingdom?”
“I'd start,” he replied sweetly, “by rounding up all my 'subjects' and blowing their faces off.”
Sinclair snorted. “Then let us say, for the sake of argument, that you were the king, and you did that. I'm sure you can see the consequences.”
I could feel the confidence I'd gained after defeating Marjorie draining out of me. Whatever I'd done to Marjorie had been, like most of the great events of my life/death, both a fluke and dumb luck. I was lucky to be alive (ahem), and it was nuts to read any more into it than that.
“I'm guessing I can't abdicate,” I said to Tina.
She looked more than a little taken aback. “Ah... no.”
“That's quite enough,” my husband said coolly. “You've let this silly little man rattle you and for no good reason.”
“Yeah, but the Fiend thing really is my fault.”
“And none of mine?”
“Hey, yeah!” Nick said. “It's both your faults!”
Sinclair ignored him. “I knew, as you did, that they were out there in Minnetonka. I chose, as you did, to do nothing.”
“Yeah, but if I'd done like you wanted, they'd all be dead, and we wouldn't be in this mess.”
“And if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”
“What?”
“An old saying of my mother's.”
“Very old,” Tina said, almost – but not quite! – smiling.
“Elizabeth, it's far too late to play the 'what if' game. We have a situation. We are dealing with it. The opinions of the occasional passing human are of no import. I am the king, you are the queen, so shall it be forever.”
“Or, at least,” Jessica added, “for a thousand years.”
“Passing human?” Nick asked.
“I noticed you put yourself first.” I slid my empty glass over to him. “Pour me something, will you? Something. Anything.”
“Why don't you snack on Detective Berry?” Tina suggested. “That would make us all feel better.”
“You assholes stay away from me,” Nick warned, backing up until his butt hit the kitchen door.
“Then do not,” my husband said, “let us keep you.”
Chapter 29
“Well, that was – ”
“Can you believe the nerve of that guy?” Jessica bitched, plunking down in the chair opposite Sinclair. “Asking me to marry him just so I'd move.”
“Perhaps it was the right question under the wrong circumstances,” Sinclair suggested, which I thought was an elegant way of looking at it.
“And perhaps he's losing his damn mind.”
“There is always that,” he admitted.
“Are we all going to pretend that he didn't make some really good points?” I demanded.
“Oh, right,” Jess replied. “I forgot: this is all about you.”
“Well, it kind of is,” I grumbled, chastened.
“When you are older,” my husband said, folding up his newspaper (I don't know why he didn't read them online), “you will see the futility of second-?guessing yourself and wasting time with it.”
“Great. I can't fucking wait. Hey, when I'm older, do you think I'll turn into an emotionless robot like someone we all – ”
“Betsy!” The kitchen door swung open, and Nick stuck his head inside. “There's a vampire here to see you. I think she's a vampire. She fucking stinks, man.”
“Great. A new subject to disappoint! Let's go see her, so I can let her down right away.”
“Can someone let me off of the pity train now?” Jessica asked, getting up and following me. “This is my stop.”
I thought I heard Sinclair snicker, but when I glanced at him, he was as smooth-?faced as usual. And, thank God, the Ant wasn't following us. Perhaps she'd popped out again. I'd hope it was permanent, except I wasn't that dumb.
“Thank you, Detective Berry, you would make a fine butler. Now run along.”
“Like I want to stay?” he retorted, falling into step beside us. I wondered who the new vamp was. Maybe a straggler of sorts who had just heard about the new king and queen. Now and again a vampire from the middle of nowhere would show up to pay tribute (gag). “Besides, I gotta get back to work.”
“He did,” I whispered to Jessica, “get here really quick. He must have hung up and rushed right over. That's pretty sweet, doncha think?”
“Hey, that's right! You called him and told him about the Fiends!”
Oh, shit.
Jessica was shaking her head. “The things I'm gonna do to you when we have a little privacy – I think it's time to pour vinegar on your Jimmy Choos again.”
“No!” I practically screamed, beyond horrified. “Once was enough!”
“Obviously not, since I've done it twice.”
I'd probably put up a psychological block the size of the Great Wall.
“Anyway, here she is,” Nick was saying. “I put her in the, uh, other parlor.” He meant the one that was the least presentable of the four we had. Or was it five? Anyway, the wallpaper was faded and even torn in some places; the rugs were worn. And it smelled musty, like old books in an attic. We hardly ever spent any time in there. In a mansion this size, it was no trouble to ignore the less comfortable rooms and stick with the ones you liked. “She, uh, really stinks pretty bad.”
“Maybe she got caught out late and had to pop into the sewer,” Tina suggested. “That's happened to me a time or two.”
“I'll see you later,” Nick said, giving Jessica a noisy smack on the lips.
“To be continued,” she warned him, but at least she kissed him back.
