“While sarcasm can be a great defense mechanism, eventually you will have to move from it and face your past in order to overcome it.”
“Jesus, you sound like my mother.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” A lopsided smirk crossed his face fleetingly then he quickly turned serious as he started swiveling again. I wondered how many chairs he must break from that constant motion.
“Let’s get back to your anger, your rage. When you're enraged, how does it feel?”
I fidgeted, lost in my thoughts. “It’s kind of like a darkness, an electric ball that’s constantly inside of me. As my anger rises, the electricity flares out, consuming me, reaching out to other things and people around me, and the darkness starts to consume me.”
“I've never heard it described that way. That’s a really interesting way to look at it though. Do you ever feel like you're going to lose yourself to it?” A look of compassion crossed his face.
I looked up at him through blurry eyes from unshed tears and answered honestly with the thought that had been haunting me for over a year. “Yes. I'm afraid that one day, there isn't going to be anything of me left.”
Chapter Thirteen
I almost regretted having two days off. Sure, I'd love the time to relax and think about things, but I didn't want to be stuck at home. I heard muted voices coming from the living room as I walked in. I tossed my keys onto the entryway table and slipped off my tennis shoes. Bare foot, I walked over to see what my mother and father were doing. I stopped before the living room to listen to their conversation.
“Do you think that this will work on her?” Mom asked.
“I don't know. She seems to be better these past few days.”
“I know, but there's always a period of peace where we almost have our daughter back after she has an incident. It seems like they've become shorter and shorter and her anger just increases between those times. I really don't know what to do with her anymore.”
The sound of fabric rustling was the only noise in the oncoming silence. I hesitated and waited to see if they'd talk more. I peered around the corner and saw my parents sitting together on the couch, a contrast in beauty. Mom was laying with her head in Dad's lap. He frowned in thought while he absentmindedly stroked through her silky, strawberry blond hair.
“Look, I know you're worried,” he said while gazing down and lovingly stroking the side of her face, “but it will all sort out in time. Besides, she's a teenager, how bad can it get?”
She rolled her eyes at him, unable to stop her returning grin. “Don't ask that. Things always get worse when people ask that.”
He leaned back. “Well, we'll just have to see how long this period of rest lasts. I don't know what we'll do if she doesn't snap out of this aggressive personality she's developed.”
Mom rolled onto her side and relaxed into his protective warmth. “I don't know either. Do you think she hurt Rebecca?” The question was spoken quietly but it seemed to pierce my heart like a thousand daggers. I was barely breathing.
I froze and stood motionless in the doorway. I stared intently at my parents, waiting for an answer.
He let out a sad laugh. “Honestly? I don't know anymore. I hardly recognize her. She's not the daughter we know and love, so I really don't know what she's capable of. With how aggressive and violent she's been lately, it seems more and more likely that she could have been the one to hurt Becca.”
I shattered, pain lacing through my soul, sending a deep ache throughout my body. I shook my head, denial moving through me. With tears streaming down my face, I silently retraced my steps. I left unnoticed.
><><><><
I didn't know where to go or who to turn to, all I knew was I had to get away. I threw the car in reverse and slammed on the gas, not caring whether my parents heard or not. I weaved quickly down the country road toward town while my heart hammered erratically against my ribs.
The words, 'She could have been the one to hurt Becca', repeated themselves over and over in my mind until they became an angry roar.
“Jesus H!” My eyes fell onto the deer standing right outside the window. My heart felt like it would beat right out of my chest as the adrenaline caused my body to shake uncontrollably. “Go away!” I made shooing gestures with my hands but the deer just stood there, looking at me with curiosity.
I was glad that I hadn't hit the deer. Ecstatic that I was still alive and not a mangled corpse twisted around a metal heap. I rested my head momentarily against the steering wheel. I felt the tension starting to slowly leave me as I breathed out a sigh of relief. I looked over at the window through my hair, surprised to see the deer still looking at me. I closed my eyes, and leaned back. “This is so not happening.” I didn't know what to do so I rolled the window down a couple of inches.
I turned to the deer and started gesturing to it. “You, go run to forest! Get out of road. Big danger here!” I laughed at myself as I realized what I must sound like. The laughter held a decidedly hysterical edge to it. “I swear I'm losing my flipping mind. Okay, look deer,” I glared at the deer in question. “You need to get going. I'm sorry I almost hit you, I didn't mean too. So can you just go now before a truck or something comes along and sees me sitting sideways in the road while talking to an animal?”
It peered closer at me then pressed its nose against the glass. It breathed out once, causing fog to form on the window, clouding it. Blinking at me, it turned and slowly made its way toward the edge of the forest.
I went limp with relief as I watched it go. “Great, now I'm talking to animals. James will have a field day with that.” I shook myself out, trying to get rid of the remaining jitters. I straightened the car and headed to town again, at a much slower pace.
Evening had fallen by the time I made it to the downward slope to town. The setting sun cast a peaceful back drop, casting red and purple tones against the buildings. I noticed that most of the shops were beginning to close as I drove down the main street. I rolled my eyes at the early hour and hoped I could find someplace to sit for a while. The only available places were the town’s single movie theater, a local bar, and The Nook. I didn't want to see a movie by myself and have even more of a pity party, but I wasn't old enough to go into a bar. I grunted in frustration as I parked a couple of blocks away from The Nook.
I sat for a moment. It was really pitiful to go to your job on your time off, but I didn't know what else I could do. Besides, a cup of coffee sounded nice, even though my nerves were already shot. I looked down at myself and noticed that I still had my uniform on. I banged my head against the steering wheel. Great. I'd show up at my job with my uniform still on. Fucking perfect. I thought about just going back home but I really didn't want to. I removed the top part of the uniform, exposing a hot pink racer back tank top underneath. “This will have to do.” I got out of the car and made my way toward The Nook.
Being the one of few places open this time of night, The Nook was even more crowded than usual. Staff members I didn't know but had met in passing hurried around the store, helping patrons out while looking frazzled. I smiled in sympathy at one of my co-workers and headed to the line of people waiting to place their order. I glanced around and met a couple of gazes that looked me over with curiosity. I glared at them, sending them quickly back to what they were doing and leaving me alone in peace. I didn't want to deal with anyone. I tapped my foot impatiently and tried to look over the shoulder of the man in front of me. My frustration built when I was unable to see anything. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.
A hand gently clasped my arm startled me out of my impatient fidgeting. I turned around quickly and saw Gabe standing behind me.
“Hey, new girl.” A dimple in his left cheek appeared as he smiled warmly.
I mentally groaned as I smiled slightly in return, then turned back toward the line. It didn't look like my night was going to get any better.
