Traditionally, family members and exceptionally close friends would cut a strip of fabric from the deceased’s clothing and wear it in remembrance. “I know we’re supposed to make these after the ashes have been thrown to the tributary,” I say, “but we aren’t going to have that.”
“What did you use?” Lex asks.
“The shirtsleeve from my uniform.” Another piece of my life I’m grieving.
Lex is still for a while, and I begin to wonder if I’ve done the wrong thing in tying the fabric around his wrist. Maybe I’ve forced my grief on him, and he doesn’t want to share it with me. He does seem adamant about moving on.
But then he puts his arm around my shoulders and squeezes me close.
Neither of us have words for this loss. We expected to say good-bye to our parents the way our world dictates, years from now when we were prepared. But our world turned out not to be what was promised to us. There will be no ashes thrown to the tributary. There will be no festival of stars with our paper desires burning in the sky.
Our parents are gone now. Our home, where we teased each other and squabbled as we grew, is out of reach. It is only Lex and me, escaping the city that wants us dead.
I stare at the fabric that’s around my wrist. “I never properly thanked you for saving me after I was poisoned.”
“No thanks necessary,” he says. “Just repay me by staying alive, if it isn’t too much to ask.”
I’m about to tell him that he has a deal, but I don’t get the chance. The bird jolts sharply in one direction, then the other, and I careen into the wall with Lex still holding on to my shoulder. The lantern is swinging dangerously overhead. The next jolt extinguishes it.
I do my best to stay close to the wall. “What’s happening?” I say.
“Could be anything,” Lex says. He doesn’t sound at all worried, and I’m not sure whether he truly believes we’ll be all right, or he’s just content to die here if the alternative would be capture by the king.
“Morgan!” Basil is shouting for me.
“Stay wherever you are,” I call back. “It isn’t safe.”
Beyond the doorway of the bunk room, there’s nothing but darkness and the sound of gears whining and hissing. All of the lanterns have blown out. Small metal plinking sounds make me fear the worst: that the bolts are coming undone and we’re being crushed.
I prop my leg against the adjacent wall for traction, grateful these bunk rooms are so tiny. Why, with all of the planning that went into this bird, did no one fashion something for us to hold on to?
Mercifully, the bird eventually goes still.
Lex stirs in the darkness. “Are you hurt?” he asks.
“No,” I say. “But the lanterns blew out.”
“Don’t light them yet,” Lex says. “It might not be safe. We’re still moving.”
He’s right. I can feel a pull. “We’re still spinning a bit, aren’t we?” I say. “And sinking.”
“We must be in the swallows,” Lex says. “The bird hasn’t been crushed by the weight of the churning dirt yet.”
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, I’d much prefer you stop,” I say.
When the calm has gone on a while longer, I relight the lantern. I hear murmurs down the hall.
“Basil?” I call. “Pen? Alice?”
A dim glow forms in the bunk room across the hall. Alice.
A sphere of light flickers up the stairwell as Basil and Pen find us. “I should go see if the professor needs help with the gears,” Basil says.
“Be careful,” I say, raising my cheek to accept his kiss as he passes me.
I turn my head in time to see Alice’s worried expression before she smiles at me.
Pen’s hands are shaking as she smoothes her map against the wall and studies it. “I suppose I was wrong,” she says. Her voice is tight. “We’ve reached the swallows sooner than I thought.”
“It’s almost over,” Amy says. I raise the lantern to better see her. Despite the weariness left over from her ordeal, her face is alight. “We’ll be in the sky in moments.”
“Nobody knows how deep the swallows run,” Pen says. “It might just give us a boost before we hit more solid ground. It might still be a while.”
“It won’t,” Amy says.
“You don’t know that. No one knows that.”
I note the hysteria in her voice. “Pen?”
She chews on her trembling knuckle. There are tears in her eyes.
“Everyone alive?” Judas calls from the bird’s head.
“Barely,” Pen says.
“Come on up if you all want to see something you’ll never forget,” he says.
For as long as we may have left to live, anyway.
Everyone on the bird gathers at the helm with the professor: my brother and Alice, Pen, Basil, Judas, Amy, and me.
Pen is still shaking, though it’s nearly imperceptible, and with all the excitement no one else seems to notice. She has always had the cool head, and to see her coming undone makes me somewhat nauseous.
Through the window at the helm, I can see the dirt churning furiously. There’s a story I read years ago; in it, a castle stood beside something called a waterfall. I wasn’t quite able to picture it then, but now I can see that the water must have been like this—restless.
“What is this ‘something’ we’ll never forget?” I ask, holding up my lantern.
“We’ve reached the bottom of the swallows,” the professor says, not turning away from his controls. He rubs at his chin, and I can hear the scrape of his white stubble. “We’ve hit some solid ground. I suspect we’re a hundred or so paces from the sky.”
I don’t quite believe the words, and yet something within me must, because my palms are sweaty and there’s a chill at the back of my neck. Whether we’re to soar across the sky or sink through it like a rock, it’s only a matter of moments. I’m working my way through varying degrees of panic, and I want to yell for us to stop. I want to undo this journey and return home, even if it’s to an empty apartment. But I know that is only the fear and the grief talking.
“No.” Pen has gone white beside me. “I don’t want to go,” she says.
“There’s no turning back now,” the professor says.
I try to touch her shoulder, but she pushes away, takes a step for the doorway. Even her curls are trembling. “Let me out of this thing. I don’t care what they do to me. I’ll go to trial for what I did to the prince. I could live the rest of my life as an irrational, I don’t care, so long as I can stay in the sky.”
I set down the lantern and reach for her again, and this time I make fists around her hands. “Pen, listen —”
“I can’t leave. And my mother, I—”
I bring my forehead close to hers. “Pen, if we got out of this thing here, it wouldn’t be possible to dig our way back up to the surface. We would be buried in an instant.”
I meant to console her, but my words cause me to feel trapped. No matter; Pen has always been my strength and this is my time to return the favor. “Here,” I say, and dab at her runny nose with my sleeve.
“Thomas,” she says miserably. “He won’t even know what’s happened to me.”
There’s nothing I can say to make this better. I’m not surprised that she’s letting it show how much she cares for him, after a lifetime of hiding it; there’s something about imminent death that makes all the threads weave into a picture like one of my mother’s samplers.
“But we must be brave, remember?” I say.
She nods, watching her tears fall onto her betrothal band.
The next violent jolt has Basil at my side. He surprises me by putting an arm around Pen as well as me. He’s never been very familiar with her, but now we have our fear in common. We are all part of this floating city we’ll never see again. This city I love so much that I fear I’ll cease to exist once I’m off it.
I steady the lantern between my feet to keep it from sliding. We stay huddled together as the bird struggles to burrow the rest of the way to the sky. We count the seconds until our little world is lost to us for good.
