gave you what you needed gingerly: the seduction had to
continue past sex: sometimes they would get both of us: other
times only one of us could get near enough: or sometimes we
would both be there, each one picking up the slack when the
other got bored, and take turns before drifting off to sleep. Or
N would do it one night, me another. I liked another woman’s
body there between us, and I liked when N fucked me then her
and then I kept kissing her between the legs, though N would
have fallen asleep by then. I liked those nights. I didn’t like
that we never got enough out of it: enough money: enough
food: enough: and I didn’t like it that the women got clingy or
all pathetic or that not one could bear to remember how she
had come, wanting to be courted, and stayed.
*
And then there was just having the women: because you
wanted them: because it was a piece of heaven right in the
middle of hell: because they knew your name too: because you
went mad with them in your mouth: and you went crazy thigh
to thigh: and it was earth, sublime: and the skin, pearl: and the
breasts: and coming, coming, coming.
*
Especially the hairs that stayed in your mouth, and the bites
they left.
*
The men fucked or did whatever: but the women came close
to dying, with this quiet surprise.
And you did too, because you were the same, only harder, not
new. They were enough like you. As close as could be. Every
slight tremble shot through both bodies. Even when she knew
nothing and you knew everything: even when you did it all:
your fingers on her, her taste all over you, pushed you so far
over the edge you needed drugs to bring you back. The small
of her back, trembling: how small they were, how delicate, the
tiny bones, how they almost disappeared: and then the more
ecstatic exertions of a lover with her beloved.
*
The sex could go on until exhaustion defeated the prosaic
body: these were not the short, abrupt times of men with their
59
push and shove: these were long, hot, humid times, whole
seasons: but once over, life went on: she was on her own,
desolate: unhappy: ready to shell out what you needed so as
not to be alone forever: so as to be able to come back: and you
must never take too much, she must not be humiliated too
much: and you must make sure she knows that you know her
name and her uniqueness: and you must stay aloof but not be
