nearly hard. Water condenses on the skylight and falls. We
move the bed. I am disappointed. I liked the extravagance. I
do everything I can think of to help him: impotent and suicidal:
I am saving his life. We are on an island, isolated in this European city. There is us. There is the bed. He is nearly hard. We move back to his city, where he is from, into a room that is
ours. He needs some act, some gesture, some event to give him
the final confidence: to get really hard. Reader, I married him.
*
I love life so fiercely, so desperately: there is an endless
abundance of it, with no limits: it costs me nothing.
Reader, I married him.
*
I thought I could always leave if I didn’t like it. I had the
ultimate belief in my own ability to walk away. I thought it
would show him I believed in him. It did. Reader, he got hard.
*
He became a husband, like anyone else, normal. He got hard,
he fucked, it spilled over, it was frenzy, I ended up cowering,
caged, catatonic. How it will end finally, I don’t know. I
wanted to help: but this was a hurricane of hate and rage let
loose: I wanted to help: I saved him: not impotent, not suicidal,
he beat me until I was a heap of collapsed bone, comatose,
torn, bleeding, bruised so bad, so hard: how it will end, I don’t
know.
*
83
Oh, it was a small small room with no windows: he had it
painted dark blue: he didn’t let me sleep: he never let me sleep:
he beat me and he fucked me: I fought back and I tried to run
away. The rest is unspeakable. He got hard and fucked easy
now. Reader, I had married him. He rolled on top and he
fucked: it costs me nothing, and there is an endless abundance
of it: I love life so fiercely, so desperately: how it will end, I
don’t know.
*
Reader, I saved him: my husband. He can fuck now. He can
pulverize human bones.
*
I got away. How it will end, I don’t know.
84
I love life so fiercely, so desperately, that
nothing good can come of it: I mean the
physical facts of life, the sun, the grass,
youth. It’s a much more terrible vice than
cocaine, it costs me nothing, and there is an
endless abundance of it, with no limits: and
