your mind and you drink; and there’s sad feelings for a fleeting
minute and you drink; and you choreograph an uprising, the
lumpen rise up, and you drink; and there’s Camden reaching
right out for you, it’s taking you back, and you drink; a man
nudges you from the right and you drink; he puts his face right
up close to yours and you drink; he’s talking about something
or other and you drink; you don’t look left or right, you just
drink, it’s worship, it’s celebration, you’d kneel down except
for that you might not be able to synchronize your movements, in your heart you kneel; and you drink; you taste it and
you roll it around your tongue and down on into your throat
and down on into your chest and you get fiery and warm and
you drink it down hard and fast and you sit stone still in
solemn concentration and you drink; the noise holds you
there, it’s almost physical, the noise, it’s a superhuman
embrace, bigger than a man’s, it’s swamp but not swam py, it’s
dry and dark and hot and popping, it’s dense and down and
dirty and you drink; the noise keeps you propped up, your
back upright and your legs bent and your feet firm ly balanced
on the stool, except the stool’s higher now, and you drink; and
yo u ’re like Alice, you’re getting smaller and it’s getting
bigger, and then you remember Humpty Dum pty was a
fucking eggshell and you could fall and break and D orothy got
lost in Oz and Cinderella was made into a pumpkin or nearly
such and there’s a terrible decline and fall awaiting you, fear
and travail, because the m oney’s gone, you been handing it
over to the big man behind the bar and you been drinking and
you been contemplating and the pile’s gone and there’s terrible
challenges ahead, like physically getting o ff the stool and
physically getting out o f the room and physically getting
home; it hardly seems possible that you could actually have so
many legs and none o f them have any bones that stand up
straight and you break it down into smaller parts; pay up so the
bartender don’t break your fingers; get o ff the stool; stand up;
walk, try not to lean on anyone, you can’t use the men as
leaning posts, you can’t volley yourself to the front sort o f
springing o ff one after the other, because one or another will
consider it affection; get to the door; don’t fall on the mandarin
with the list, don’t trip in front o f him, don’t throw up; open
the door on your own steam; get out the door fully clothed,
jacket, T-shirt, keys; once outside, you make another plan.
These are hard things; some o f them may actually be
impossible. It may be impossible to pay the bartender because
you may have drunk too much and it may be impossible to get
o ff the stool and it may be impossible to walk and it may be
impossible to stand up and it may be impossible to find the
door. It’s sad, yo u ’re an orphan and it’s hard to concentrate,
what with poor nutrition and a bad education; but sociology
