will sweep down like lightning except it will be a streak o f
blood from the shard o f glass that cuts both ways, and I will
find one and he will bleed. I’ve got this living brain but my
body’s dead, w on’t move, it’s inert, paralyzed, couldn’t move
to save me or her but once I can move I will begin the search, I
will find her, my dog; without her, there’s no love. It’s as if I
drank some poison that’s killed my muscles so they can’t
m ove and time’s going by and I’m counting it, the minutes,
and I’m waiting, and m y heart is filling up with pain, suffering
is coming upon me; and remorse; because I did it, this awful
thing that made this awful loss. Then they’re there, him and
her, and she’s laughing and playing with her leash and he’s
smiling and happy and I’m thinking he’s beautiful, inside too,
in spirit, and I am near dying to touch him, I want to make real
love, arduous, infatuated love touched by his grace, and I’m
wondering what he will be like, naked and fine, intense, first
slow, now; and I reach for him and he pulls me up so I’m on
m y knees in front o f him and he’s standing on the mattress and
he takes his cock out and I’m thinking I’ll hold it and he wants
it in m y mouth and I’m thinking I will kiss it and lick it and
hold it in m y mouth and undress him as I do it and I’m
thinking how happy and fine this will be, slow, how stopped
in time and tender, he holds m y head still by m y hair and he
pushes his cock to the bottom o f m y throat, rams it in, past m y
throat, under it, deeper than the bottom, I feel this fracturing
pain as if m y neck shattered from inside and m y muscles were
torn apart ragged and fast, an explosion that ripped them like a
bomb went o ff or someone pushed a fist down m y throat but
fast, just rammed it down, and I feel surprise, this one second
o f complete surprise in which, without words, I want to know
the meaning o f this, his intention; there’s one second o f
awesome, shocking surprise and then I go under, it’s black,
there’s nothing, coma, death, complete black under the
ground or past life altogether in a region o f nothing without
shadows o f life or m em ory or dreams or fear or time, there’s
nothing, it’s perfect, cold, absolute nothing. When I wake up I
think I am dead. I begin to see the walls, barely, I barely see
them, and I see I’m in a room like the room I was in when I was
alive and I think this is what death is like, the same but yo u ’re
dead, the same but you stay here forever alone, the same walls
but you barely see them and the same place where you died,
the same body, but it’s not real, it’s not alive, it doesn’t feel
real, it’s cold and shadowy and yo u ’re there alone for all the
rest o f time cut o ff from the living and it’s empty, your d o g’s
not here in the room in death, in the cold, shaky, shadowy
room, it’s an imitation in shadows o f where you were but it’s
em pty o f her and you will be here alone forever, lonely for her,
