within her.
she learned to judge men without sentiment or desire, she learned
to see them as they would want to be seen, never herself being deceived. she learned what to do to claim the highest price, sometimes in money, sometimes in services, just as other nomads learned to live
off berries and weeds, find water holes, protect themselves from rain,
she learned to pick a meal out of a crowded room, to find a warm
bed in the faces on the street, to milk that male cow without mercy,
shame, or regret.
the first one had been a shopkeeper, nice dress in the window,
never show need, a quiet dress, modest, a dress that would let them
see whatever they wanted to see. a dress that would make no particular statement, set up no particular expectation, I am whatever you want me to be, the dress seemed to say.
she learned to empty her face of its intelligence, she learned to
empty her face of its past, poverty, grim, grueling poverty, drudgery,
murder, she learned to empty her face so that the man himself could
fill it in.
soon she had several dresses, a small, quiet room, and enough
money to take an acting class.
time passed in this way, man after man, year after year, man after
man, never for nothing, always for something, in this way she advanced herself, slowly, bit by bit.
it was true, the first time it did hurt, the shopkeeper had been
delighted at the blood, he had taken her again, biting and pum-
meling, more blood, he seemed to say, more blood.
his apartment was small and filled with things, she remembered
that it was filled with things as he entered her. her scream delighted
him. she was graceless, awkward, her body tough and tight, she
twisted and turned, her twisting and turning delighted him.
as soon as he was finished, he seemed to forget her. she felt lonely
and cold then, her body as if dead, covered with a cold white sheet,
she turned towards a window and watched the light coming up. this
was the saddest moment of her life.
she learned to use her vagina, to contract the muscles, to envelop
and squeeze the cock, she learned to whimper and to moan, she
learned to sweat and to cling, she learned to cry out. this was her second acting exercise,
she learned to kneel in front of the man and take his cock in her
mouth, she learned the postures of wantonness and abandon, she
learned the postures of fear and submission.
she learned to stay on her stomach as the man entered her ass. she
learned not to scream unless he expected it. she learned to bite his
arms or to bite her tongue, she learned never to ask for anything.
she became pregnant twice, the first time a nameless doctor had
stuffed her vagina with gauze and injected her with chemicals, he
had told her to go home and wait, not to drink, not to take pills, not
to call anyone for help.
she had waited for 2 days, thinking it would not happen, also
thinking she would die.
