Connor just shook his head and followed Victor into the playroom. A few strategic selections later, he headed back out onto Main Street full of plans for their upcoming evening together.
‘Have you thought about our conversation about your rape?’
Bridget went rigid at his words and Connor wanted to kick his own ass. So much for planning how to broach this topic. Instead of his carefully planned words, he’d just blurted out something careless.
With a deep sigh, he set his beer down on the coffee table and took Bridget’s hand.
‘Listen, I apologise. I didn’t intend to blurt that out like I did. I actually had some carefully thought out, sensitive words planned.’ He grinned, hoping to lighten the suddenly gloomy mood. ‘But obviously, my mouth got ahead of my brain.’
She smiled, but remained wary.
‘What is it you really want to talk about?’ Bridget leaned back, turning to face him and gripping one of the sofa pillows like a shield.
After his trip to Intimate Moments, Connor had been searching for the right time to broach this topic. While he had promised to give her as much time as she needed, it was becoming pretty clear that she wasn’t going to bring it up.
He’d prepared several of his purchases in the hopes of taking their sex life to the next level. Part of him felt like a greedy bastard to do it, but another part felt like it was critical that Bridget shed her notions of shame around her desires if they were ever truly going to be together. He wasn’t ashamed of his desires. He didn’t want her to be.
Connor raked a hand through his hair. Suddenly, the wisdom of this conversation no longer seemed clear.
‘I was curious if you’d put any more thought into the idea that your rape was not, in fact, punishment for enjoying kinky sex.’
‘I’ve thought about it.’ She picked at the trim of the pillow rather than look at him.
Frustration took root in his belly, but he clamped down on it.
‘And?’
Defiant green eyes met his own, ‘I don’t see why it matters.’ She leaned forward as she spoke, her voice growing urgent, ‘I mean, we have great sex. Don’t we? It’s certainly the best I’ve ever had. Why do we even have to worry about it?’
Connor felt his jaw drop open. It took a few seconds for his brain to reboot and he scowled.
‘You don’t see why it matters?’
She nodded and smiled.
‘Are you insane?’ he hollered.
She flinched and Connor almost smacked himself. He was handling this badly. He drew in a deep breath and counted to ten. It was important that he remember she’d spent two decades convinced she was wrong to enjoy pain during sex or any kind of kink.
‘Bridget, do you understand that I want to do much more to you than what we’ve done?’
She flushed, but didn’t respond. If anything, she drew in upon herself. He pressed on, his voice gruff with need.
‘I want to spank you and watch your skin turn pink and then I want to fuck you hard so that you feel that burn the whole time I do. I want to tie you up and have you at my mercy while I do whatever I want to you. If that’s make you cry right before I make you scream as you come, so be it.’
He could see her breathing hitch and her nipples harden under the cotton of her shirt. His cock stirred in response.
Damn it! That is why this was so important. She wants it too!
‘Fuck, Bridg. Don’t you see? My dick is hard just talking about it. And, baby, whether you’re willing to deal with this or not, you want it too.’
He gave her no time to respond; he reached out and squeezed her nipple hard. She jerked away, flushing red.
‘Your nipples are hard, Bridget. Tell me the truth. Is your pussy wet too?’
She closed her eyes and refused to look at him.
‘Look at me!’ He was damn near yelling at her. Her stubbornness was infuriating him.
Her eyes popped open. They were swimming with tears.
He almost caved. Almost let her off the hook, but this was important to him.
It would be a different story if she honestly didn’t want this. No one had a right to force anyone to go against their beliefs. This wasn’t honest, though.
She wanted it too. She was letting an irrational belief stop her from experiencing this and worse, she was internalising shame over it. That’s why he could not let this go.
‘Answer me.’ He took her hand, but remained firm. ‘Are you wet, baby? Does the thought of pain mixed in with pleasure excite you?’
Tears, shiny and wet, slid down her cheeks as she nodded.
‘Why does that make you cry?’ He believed he understood, but she needed to understand she was wrong.
‘Because I don’t trust myself to know. I doubt myself and I’m scared of making another mistake in judgment. My first one ended up with me getting raped.’ Her words were drowned in tears as sobs took hold of her body.
He gathered her into his body, sitting her on his lap like a small child. She cried helpless, wracking sobs as he held her and whispered words of comfort and love.
He loved her. He knew it in his heart. He also knew that it wouldn’t be enough if they didn’t cross this hurdle together.
Ultimately, it wasn’t about the sex. It was about having no emotional barriers between the two of them. If she kept this wall up when she so clearly wanted it, they likely wouldn’t survive.
He’d debated back and forth over whether he was pushing something out of selfishness, but he didn’t think he was. The kink was just the symptom. This was about trust. This was about sharing something with someone that you gave to no one else. This was about honesty at its deepest level.
She was being dishonest. This was something she wanted. She craved. And she was denying herself out of misplaced guilt and fear. This would only grow and infect the rest of their relationship.
He could let the kink go, never ask her for it again, but it wouldn’t change the foundation of dishonesty.
No. He wasn’t going to let up.
He wasn’t, however, a complete asshole. He wouldn’t force the issue any further tonight.
When her sobs finally died down, Connor went and got a damp washcloth from her bathroom. As he gently wiped her cheeks, he said, ‘I understand your fear, Bridget. But if you don’t trust yourself in this, why don’t you consider trusting me until you do?’
She cupped his face and kissed him. Her kiss was urgent, almost panicked.
He knew a refusal when he got one.
Bridget kissed Connor as if that kiss would save her soul. She’d been more than wet at his words; she’d been two seconds away from falling to her knees and begging him to make it all real.
She didn’t want to deal with this. She didn’t want to take the risk.
She wanted him to drop this subject. She wasn’t ready and she didn’t want to argue. As she kissed her way down his body and took his cock in her mouth, she was determined to make him forget all about it.
Chapter Twenty-four
‘Calm down, sugar.’ Bridget chuckled as she took the Mustang smoothly into the turn lane. ‘If you fidget any more, you’re going to wear a hole in my leather seat.’
He scowled in her direction. He’d been in poor humour all day. She had a feeling it had a lot to do with what
