arms had wasted to sticks.
I made you a sandwich, I said.
Thank you, dear, she whispered.
Do you want me to read to you?
No, that’s all right.
Mom, I need to talk to you.
Nothing.
I need to talk to you, I said again.
I’m tired.
You’re always tired, but you sleep all the time.
She didn’t answer.
It was just a comment, I said.
Her silence got to me.
Can’t you eat? You’d feel better. Can’t you get up? Can’t you ... come back to life?
No, she said immediately, as if she’d thought about this too. I can’t do it. I don’t know why. I just cannot do it.
Her back was still turned and a slight tremor began in her shoulders.
Are you cold? I stood and drew the blanket up over her shoulders. Then I sat back down in the chair.
I planted those stripey petunias you like. Here! I emptied my pockets of the little plastic identifying sticks, scattered them on the bed. Mom, I planted all different kinds of flowers. I planted sweet peas.
Sweet peas?
I hadn’t really planted sweet peas. I don’t know why I said it. Sweet peas, I said again. Sunflowers! I hadn’t planted sunflowers either.
Sunflowers will get huge!
She turned over in bed and stared at me. Her eyes were sunk in gray circles of skin.
Mom, I’ve got to talk to you.
About the sunflowers? Joe, they’ll shade out the other flowers.
Maybe I should plant them in another place, I said. I’ve got to talk to you.
Her face dulled. I’m tired.
Mom, did they ask you about that file?
What?
She stared at me in sudden dread, her eyes riveted to my face.
There was no file, Joe.
Yes, there was. The file you went to get on the day you were attacked. You told me you went to get a file. Where is it?
The dread in her face became an active fear.
I didn’t tell you. You imagined that, Joe.
Her lips trembled. She coiled in a ball, put her shrunken fists to her mouth, and squeezed her eyes shut.
Mom, listen. Don’t you want us to catch him?
She opened her eyes. Her eyes were black pits. She did not answer.
Mom, listen. I’m going to find him and I’m going to burn him. I’m going to kill him for you.
She sat up suddenly, activated, like rising from the dead. No! Not you. Don’t you. Listen, Joe, you’ve got to promise me. Don’t go after him. Don’t do anything.
Yes, I’m going to, Mom.
This jolt of strong reaction from her triggered something in me. I kept goading her.
I’ll do it. There is nothing to stop me. I know who he is and I’m going after him. You can’t stop me because you’re here in bed. You can’t get out. You’re trapped in here. And it stinks. Do you know it stinks in here?
I went over to the window and was about to pull the shade up when my mother spoke to me. What I mean is, my before-mother, the one who could tell me what to do, she spoke to me.
Stop that, Joe.
I turned away from the window. She was sitting up. There was no blood in her face at all. Her skin had a pasty, sunless quality. But she stared at me and spoke in an even and commanding tone.
Now you listen to me, Joe. You will not badger me or harass me. You will leave me to think the way I want to think, here. I have to heal any way I can. You will stop asking questions and you will not give me any worry. You will not go after him. You will not terrify me, Joe. I’ve had enough fear for my whole life. You will not add to my fear. You will not add to my sorrows. You will not be part of this.
I stood before her, small again.
This what?
All of this. She swept her arm toward the door. It is all a violation. Find him, don’t find him. Who is he? You have no idea. None. You don’t know. And you never will. Just let me sleep.
All right, I said, and left the room.
As I descended the stairs my heart grew cold. I had a sense that she knew who had done the thing. For sure, she was hiding something. That she knew who did it was a kick in the stomach. My ribs hurt. I couldn’t get my breath. I kept walking straight into the kitchen and then out the back door, into the sunshine. I took great gulps of sunshine. It was as though I had been locked up with a raging corpse. I thought of ripping out every single flower I had planted and of stomping those blossoms into the earth. But Pearl came up to me. I felt my anger blazing out.
I’m going to teach you to play fetch, I said.
I went over to the edge of the yard to pick up a stick. Pearl trotted across the yard with me. I reached down and got the stick and straightened up to throw it, but a blur swept by and the stick was wrenched violently out of my hand. I whirled around. Pearl was standing a few paces away with the stick in her mouth.
Drop it, I said. Her wolf ears went back. I was mad. I walked over and grabbed the stick to take it from her mouth but she gave a meaningful growl and I let go.
All right, I said. So that’s your game.
I walked a few feet away and picked up another stick. Brandished it to throw. Pearl dropped her stick and streaked toward me with the clear intention of tearing off my arm. I dropped the stick. Once the stick was on the ground, she sniffed at it, satisfied. I tried once more. I bent down to pick the stick back up and just as I closed my fingers on it Pearl stepped up to me and caught my wrist in her teeth. I slowly released the stick. Her jaws were so powerful she could have snapped the bone. I stood warily, my hand empty, and she released my arm. There were pressure marks, but not a tooth had broken flesh or scratched me.
So you don’t play fetch, I see that now, I said.
My father pulled up then and took another cardboard flat of expensive nursery plants out of the car’s trunk. We took them out back and set them alongside the vegetable garden plot. For the rest of the afternoon, we took off the old straw, then spaded and raked black earth. We sifted out the old roots and dead stalks and broke up the clods so the earth was fluffy and fine. The dirt was moist deep down below the surface. Rich. I began to like what I was doing. The ground drained my rage. We lifted out the pot-bound plants and gently loosened the roots before we set them in holes and packed the dirt around their stems. Afterward, we hauled buckets and watered the seedlings and then we stood there.
My father took a cigar from his front pocket, then looked at me and replaced it.
The gesture made me mad all over again.
You can smoke that if you want to, I said. I’m not gonna start. I’m not gonna be like you.
I waited for his anger to snuff mine out but was disappointed.
I’ll wait until later, he said. We have not finished talking, have we.
No.
Let’s put the lawn chairs out.
I set up two lawn chairs where we could overlook our work. While he was gone, I got the empty gas can out from under the steps and I put it underneath my chair. Dad brought out a carton of lemonade and two glasses. I knew from the length of time it took that he’d taken a glass upstairs, too. We sat down with our lemonade.
