“Weren’t you just
“Yes. But I have to go again.”
“Can’t you wait until lunch?”
“No,” I said. Then I added the only thing I could think of to make Ms. Dickson let me go the bathroom again.
“I’m having some, um… diarrhea.”
The class exploded. Pretty much everybody started laughing and the girls who weren’t laughing were making faces. Missy Sprout looked like she was going to faint.
“Do you need to go to the nurse?”
“I don’t think so.”
I got up and went to the door and opened it while Ms. Dickson tried to get the class to settle down. She told everyone that there was nothing funny about diarrhea, which only made everyone crack up again. I could still hear them laughing even after the door was closed.
I went to Budgie’s cubby and got his lunch box. I took his lunch box into the bathroom and went into a stall and closed the door. I opened the lunch box and took out his sandwich and put the dead shrew inside of it. Then I put the sandwich back in the lunch box, closed the lid, and left the bathroom. After I’d put the lunch box back I returned to class and waited patiently for the lunch bell to ring.
Ms. Dickson talked about the presidents for a while and then she talked about European geography but the only two things I really heard were Millard Fillmore and Luxembourg and that was only because they sounded funny. Otherwise I was imagining Budgie biting into a peanut butter and shrew sandwich and screaming like a girl and how I’d be the hero of the school. I decided that, if it came to it, I wasn’t above being carried around on everybody’s shoulders.
The lunch bell finally rang. I’m not sure how it was possible but I’d swear it had taken four hours to get from ten thirty to twelve o’clock. Once we got to the cafeteria Budgie and Barely O’Donahue went and sat at a table with some of their friends from another class and right away Budgie leaned in and whispered something and then pointed at me.
I went past them and sat down at a table where I could see Budgie. I was worried that someone might sit with me and block my view but no one did. Budgie and Barely O’Donahue were now whispering to the kids who were sitting at nearby tables and some of them looked over at me and I could even hear a couple of them giggling. Then Budgie put the palms of his hands against his mouth and blew a big raspberry and about half the cafeteria turned to look and started laughing.
“Now,” I thought. “Everybody’s looking! Open your lunch now!”
But he didn’t. Instead, he stood up, got on his chair, and bowed, which made everyone laugh harder, and now some of them were starting to clap. Budgie was causing such a ruckus that a lunch monitor came over. She took Budgie’s arm in one hand and his lunch box in the other and led him out of the cafeteria to eat his lunch alone in the classroom but I don’t think he cared because he was waving and blowing kisses at everybody.
It wasn’t fair. On any other day I bet he didn’t even take the time to chew but today he didn’t even open his lunch box. Now not only did I not get my revenge but also since the shrew thing didn’t happen there was nothing to make everyone forget about the diarrhea thing so I was going to have to deal with being called “squirt” for the next week or so. The worst thing, though, happened in the middle of word study. I opened my desk to get a pencil sharpener and found the shrew right on top, which startled me so much I screamed.
10
I COULDN’T WAIT for the day to be over. All I wanted was to be at home and away from school but I had play rehearsal, which meant I’d have to stay even longer. Plus, Violet was going to be there and even though she was one of the only ones who didn’t laugh or make fun of me or scream or pretend to faint or anything, she’d still been there and seen the whole thing and that was kind of embarrassing. Maybe if I didn’t talk about it then neither would she.
She was sitting in a seat in the front row of the auditorium reading a book. I sat on the stage. Mr. Putnam had forgotten something and had gone to get it and it was uncomfortable sitting there with Violet in the empty auditorium and not saying anything. I decided to say something but when I opened my mouth I swear I thought different words were going to come out.
“I don’t really have diarrhea.”
Violet looked at me. I could feel my face turning red.
“Then why did you say you did?”
Budgie’s face popped into my head. I didn’t want it to but it did and now it was taking up all the room and I couldn’t think about anything else. I felt myself getting angry so I jumped down from the stage and took off up the aisle.
“Where are you going?” Violet yelled after me.
I didn’t answer her. Instead I went out into the hallway. It was quiet with all the kids gone and my footsteps seemed really loud as I paced back and forth. I wasn’t really watching where I was going and I slipped on something and fell down. When I got up and looked around I found that I had stepped on a Magic Marker. I blamed Budgie. If he wasn’t such a fat jerk none of this ever would have happened. I wished I’d never even met him. I picked up the Magic Marker and took the top off.
“What’s a ‘doosh’?” said Mr. Putnam behind me. “And who’s Budgie?”
I blinked. The wall in front of me was covered in Magic Marker. Someone had written bad words about Budgie over and over again in big letters. There was something in my hand and I didn’t have to look down to know what it was.
I wished I could just disappear. I closed my eyes tight and counted to ten but when I opened them I was still there. The words I’d written about Budgie were still on the wall and the Magic Marker was still in my hand. I handed it to Mr. Putnam.
“Do you know your way to the principal’s office?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Go there please. I’ll be along in a minute.”
“Mr. Putnam?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
He just looked at me. Then he nodded and went into the auditorium and I was alone in the hallway again. I looked at what I’d written. It wasn’t very nice. I’m not even sure Budgie had been this mean. I licked my finger and tried to rub off some of the Magic Marker but nothing happened. At the very least I was going to be back here with a sponge and a bucket until the late bus came.
I gave the lady at the front desk my name and told her I was there to see Mr. Howard. She picked up the phone and pushed a button and said a few things and then hung up and sort of nodded her head at the door.
Mr. Howard looked up from his desk when I came in. His bald head was so shiny I swear I could see myself in it. He also had a little beard that he was always petting like it was a guinea pig or a hamster or something. There was a candy jar on his desk, only instead of peanut butter cups or red hots it was full of paper clips. I wondered if that meant he kept candy in his paper clip dispenser and, if so, where he might be hiding it.
“Derek?”
“Yes sir?”
“Would you like to tell me why you’re here?”
“No sir.”
“Derek?”
“Yes sir?”
