Blurred

warm, unsteady feeling Cash left blooming in my chest every time I looked at him.

The way, even now, my fingers ached to close the small space between our hands.

“No,” I said. “This isn’t normal for me.”

We stared at each other for an immeasurable moment. It felt like we’d been here before. Looking at each other from inches away. The phone in the cup holder between us vibrated and Cash broke eye contact to grab it. He looked at the message on the display and tossed it back without answering it.

“Emma?”

He stared at the phone in the cup holder. “Yeah.”

“Why are you blaming her for this?”

Cash opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He finally shook his head, staring at the steering wheel. “Because I don’t know what else to do.”

I pulled my legs up underneath me and the golden light from my eyes spilled across the vinyl seat between us. “You know this isn’t her fault. Even if you hadn’t decided to go into that fire, fate would have found another way. I still would have been sent to stop it.”

When he didn’t say anything, I went on. “She would have chosen to burn in that house rather than get you involved if she’d been given the choice. You know that, right?”

Cash looked out his window and drew lazy circles on the glass with his fingertip. “I know that.”

I watched him carve shapes in the foggy window until he rested his forehead against the glass and exhaled.

“You love her.” It wasn’t a question. It was clear. And for reasons I couldn’t place, my chest twisted in discomfort as I admitted it out loud for both of us.

“Of course I love her. But…” He paused and sat back in his seat. “She’s my best friend.”

“It’s more than that.”

He sighed and ran his palms in circles over the steering wheel. “You don’t get it. Nobody does.”

“Then help me understand.”

“She saves me,” he said, quietly.

I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what the look on his face meant. “From what?”

He laughed, bitterly. “Myself. Half the time, I feel like I’m drowning. Even before this. Like I’m in a room full of people screaming my lungs out and none of them can hear me. But Emma…she always hears me. She never lets me sink. She never lets me go, even when I know damn good and well it would be easier for her if she did.” His hands dropped into his lap and he finally gave in and met my gaze again. “But she can’t save me from this.”

Outside the window, behind him, a shadow slipped like sludge down the glass. Another slid across the hood before disappearing into the night. The desperation seeping out of him was drawing them in like cattle called to feed. He knew they were there. I could tell. But he didn’t let his fear show.

“No,” I said, softly. “She can’t.”

Cash pressed his lips together and nodded as if he’d hoped for a different answer but hadn’t expected it. After a silent moment he asked, “What’s it like?”

“What?”

His gaze met mine. “Dying.”

I thought back to the day I left my flesh behind. I’d been so foolish thinking death could give me escape. That it would lead me home. I turned toward the window and blinked away the memories. “It’s different for everyone.”

“For you,” he said. “I want to know what it was like for you.”

I bit my lip, fighting the ache swelling in my chest. “It was like being lost. Being lost and thinking

I’d finally made it home, only to realize I’d taken a wrong turn, and was still a world away from where

I wanted to be.”

My voice broke and Cash moved across the seat in one swift motion. “Hey…I didn’t mean to—”

I placed my palm on the seat to scoot away and his fingers accidentally slid over mine. We both froze. If I wouldn’t have known any better, I would’ve said the world stopped spinning in that moment. Everything was so still. So unbearably still and quiet. I stopped breathing, watching Cash’s chest rise with a sharp intake of breath. His eyes focused on his fingers pressing into my flesh, then traveled up until his gaze collided with mine.

Connection sparked, heating the air between us, making every square inch of my body aware of just how close he was. Cash tilted his head and let his fingers trace a slow, maddening line from my knuckles to my wrist, the look in his eyes so intense my insides fluttered with anticipation. Slowly, his fingers turned my hand over and his thumb rubbed a slow circle against my palm that felt so tight and warm I thought I might explode if he stopped.

This…this was wrong. Tarik. Think of Tarik. Just hearing his name echo inside my head was enough for me to feel sick with regret. No man should be touching me this way when Tarik couldn’t. I tried to let go of the corporeality, but…I couldn’t. Under his fingers I was solid. Blue smoke twined around my arm, as if it were securing me to him.

Cash exhaled a shaky breath and I came to my senses, jerking out from under his fingers, snapping the luminescent blue connection binding us together. I rubbed my wrist, where I could still feel his touch like a brand. Power surged uninhibited though my body, allowing me to relinquish my flesh for something less substantial. Something safer. How had he done that? He’d touched me. He’d forced me into corporeality. My eyes widened and the soft glow from them spilled across Cash’s face. What was he?

“I’m sorry,” he said, brows pulled together as he watched me squirm. “I just…I didn’t know I could touch you. I didn’t know you’d feel so…real.”

I smoothed my hands over my dress and dropped my gaze to my lap. “Neither did I.”

When I met his unwavering gaze, the heat there caused the invisible strings between us to pull tighter. He’d touched me. And he looked like he wanted to do it again. He shouldn’t want that, and neither should I.

A slow heat started to burn at my hip, rivaling the heat throbbing in my chest, under every inch of my skin. The way he was looking at me made me feel like I was on fire with no way to extinguish the flames. I rubbed my thumb over the pearl handle of my scythe, thankful for the interruption. Not the dead. This was Balthazar.

“I have to go, but I’ll be back.”

Cash blinked as if he were coming out of a daze. His gaze cut away from mine and he slid back across the seat, putting safe distance between us. He gripped the steering wheel and stared at his hands. After what felt like forever, he leaned over to flip on the music and cranked it up until my ears throbbed. I’m not even sure if he heard it when I said, “Stay safe.”

Chapter 7

Cash

They were out there. Shadows. I hadn’t left the porch light on, so it was too dark to see them, but they were there. I could feel them, cold and consuming, waiting for me. Knowing they couldn’t hurt me as long as I was alive should have made a difference, but it didn’t. Instead, it left me wondering—if they wanted me dead so badly, how long would it take before they took some kind of action that gave them what they wanted?

I exhaled and squeezed the steering wheel, wishing I hadn’t touched her. That was such a stupid thing to do. But it had been the first time in weeks I’d actually wanted to touch a girl, and I never went that long without touching a girl, let alone wanting to. I told myself it was just curiosity. A sick fascination. But even I knew I was lying to myself. I hadn’t been able to stop myself. Even now, I wanted to do it again. She’d felt warm and deceptively real, her skin so unbelievably right under mine compared to the cheap, empty feeling that went hand in hand with my usual hookups. I’d felt so completely connected to her. Like we’d been there before. It had been enough to put me completely off-balance.

For a moment, I’d let myself forget what she was. I couldn’t let that happen again. She wasn’t some girl who was going to end up in the back of my Bronco or my heart. She wasn’t even a girl as far as I was concerned. She was the reason I was here, living in the ninth circle of Hell on Earth. Right? I shook my head trying to sort out