Inbetween

Her mom tossed her keys on the counter, then walked into the living room. “What are you doing with that?” Rachel asked, looking right through me.

Emma shook her head like she was coming out of a daze and balled her hands into fists at her sides.

“Um, just…listening to music. What else would I be doing with it?”

Rachel looked at the record player and her eyes dimmed and watered, obviously reliving memories all her own. She closed them and took a deep breath. “That’s an antique,” she said and walked out of the room. “Put it away.”

Emma closed the lid to the record player and sighed. “You better come back,” she whispered into the empty air, then gathered the record player in her arms and carted it out of the room.

I stared out the window, watching leaves twirl and dance through the air as they rained down from the trees. Somewhere in the back of my mind, Billie sang on. I could still smell Emma all over me.

They say the dead can’t sleep, can’t dream. But as I stood there lost with wanting, I couldn’t help but wonder when I was going to wake up.

When my scythe started to pulse with cold, I didn’t even try to fight it. I needed to get out of there.

Away from Emma’s smell and the feel of her warmth. I needed to leave before I gave in and did something I couldn’t take back.

Chapter 19

Emma

“Who is he?” Mom leaned on the counter, studying my face intently.

I finished dumping the rest of the lettuce into the big wooden salad bowl. “What are you talking about?”

“Just tell me it’s not Cash.” She held her hands up in surrender. “I don’t think I could take that.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “It’s not Cash. It’s not anybody.”

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it doesn’t take ten minutes to make a bag salad for one,” she said, grinning. “And it definitely doesn’t require that much smiling.”

Heat blossomed across my cheeks and I tossed the tongs in the bowl. Stupid salad. Stupid me for standing here daydreaming about a guy who didn’t even have a heartbeat! I closed my eyes and pressed my palms to the counter so that I could feel grounded, and not like I was about to float off into space. It was useless. Anytime I closed my eyes, Finn was there. Smiling. Laughing. Almost kissing me. My heart hammered out a happy rhythm just thinking about him.

Everything else in my life might have been in shreds, but in that moment, with Mom in the kitchen and Finn in my heart, I felt happy. I felt like I wanted to be alive. Whatever that took. Whatever it meant. I wanted more of what I had with Finn. I wanted more time with Cash. More time with my mom. For the first time in a long time I felt like I had something to look forward to. And there was no way I was letting anyone take it from me.

Mom laughed at my smile and tucked a strawberry-blond wave behind her ear. “That’s exactly how I looked the day your dad kissed me for the first time.”

I breathed through the tight feeling in my chest, wishing she’d go on. She never talked about Dad anymore. And she had no idea how much I needed her to. Anything to bridge this always-widening gap between me and the memory of him. “How did it happen?”

She looked up at me surprised. “I’ve never told you?”

I shook my head and bit the inside of my cheek.

“Well, it was a disaster.” She laughed and touched her lips. “It was supposed to be our second date, but I got sick. So I called and canceled because I didn’t want to infect him.”

I smiled, trying to picture it.

“But your Dad…he wouldn’t give up that easily. He drove over to my dorm anyway and brought me soup and a movie. He said he didn’t care if he got germs as long as they were mine.”

“So, he kissed you then?”

“No.” She stirred the spaghetti sauce I had on the stove, then turned back to me. “No, first I spilled hot soup on him. And then he kissed me.”

I laughed and rinsed a pan that smelled like oregano and garlic. I tried to picture what my dad would have been like back then but I couldn’t. All I could picture was Finn with his lips so close to mine it made my chest hurt in a way I’d never felt before.

“Do you feel that way about the new guy?” I asked, scrubbing the pan a little harder.

She sighed. “I’m not looking for a replacement for your dad. I’m just looking for someone to have a life with. To be happy with.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

She was quiet for a moment but finally said, “Yes. Parker makes me very happy. It’s different than with your dad, but nice.”

I thought about how happy Dad had made us. How he’d make us pancakes on Saturday mornings and tell cheesy knock-knock jokes while we ate.

“Knock knock,” he said and stuffed a giant bite of banana pancake into his mouth. I couldn’t wait to answer.

“Who’s there, Daddy?”

“Cows go.” He set his fork down and smiled at Mom, who beamed back at him.

“Cows go who?” I asked.

“Cows don’t go who, Emma. They go moo.”

The doorbell rang, shattering the memory, and I set the pan in the sink. “Is that him?”

“Yes.” She sighed and darted over to the mirror on the wall to check her hair. “Be nice, Emma. He’s really excited about meeting you.”

I dried my hands on a dish towel. He might have been excited about meeting me, but I couldn’t say I felt the same. How was I supposed to be excited when the conversation with Mom had left memories of my dad swirling around in my head like a dream? A dream I didn’t want to wake up from. Mom reached over and pulled the rubber band out of my hair, so that it tumbled down in waves over my shoulders. “Be nice,” she said again.

Of all the things Finn had saved me from, why couldn’t he save me from this? My fingers settled on the doorknob, stalling, and the doorbell rang again.

“Emma! Answer it!” Mom called from the kitchen.

I sighed and pulled the door open to find my mom’s new boyfriend on the other side, surrounded by trick- or-treaters. He grinned and stepped back to let a miniature Spider-Man and a princess rush up to the door. “Trick or treat!”

I’d almost forgotten it was Halloween. It was hard to remember holidays when your life felt like Halloween every day. I missed the days when Cash and I used to dress up and terrorize the neighborhood. Well, Cash terrorized. I usually just helped him take the blame in exchange for half of his candy. Mom pointed to a bag of candy on top of the fridge and I grabbed it.

“Here you go, guys.” I dumped a handful of mini Kit Kats into their sacks, then watched them run around Parker to get to the next house. I gave him a hesitant smile and set the bag of candy outside so I wouldn’t have to keep answering the door.

“You must be Emma. Wow, it’s nice to finally meet you.” He stuck out his hand and I mechanically shook it, not really knowing what to say. All I could think was, If Dad wasn’t dead, I wouldn’t be meeting you.

I pulled my hand away and stepped aside so he could come in. “Um…yeah. Nice to meet you, too.”

He was cute. I’d at least give her that. He had the kind of crew-cut brown hair and burly build that made me wonder if he was a cop, and the kind of wide, puppy-dog eyes that made me wonder if he had the hardness to back up such a title. And I had never seen Mom so googly-eyed over a guy since Dad.

It made me uncomfortable to be in the same room with them looking at each other like this. It felt like I was