Inbetween

too.

“Hey.” Cash leaned in to touch my arm, but I jerked away before he could make contact. I couldn’t have him touching me right now. Not after Finn had just been touching me with those same hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Cash ran his hand over his bare chest, then froze. His gaze wandered over his body, as if he was taking inventory of every detail. With a gasp, he scrambled back and fell off the bed, then jumped up, breathing hard. “What…what did I do?” He motioned between us. “What did we do?”

I stood up too, knowing I needed to look at him, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I stared at the wall beside him. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Em.” Cash shoved his fingers through his dark hair and leaned on my vanity, then shot back up like he couldn’t keep still. He rubbed his lips and groaned. “I can taste that peppermint lip crap you use, for God’s sake!”

“Cash…” I couldn’t finish. I didn’t know how to. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to hug him and beg him to forgive me. None of that would come. The pain and guilt in my throat wouldn’t let it.

“Look at you. You can’t even look at me.” Cash strode forward and reached out as though he was going to touch me, but he stopped as if he didn’t know if that was okay anymore. “Please tell me what I did. Please? I’m sorry, Em. I am so—”

“We kissed, okay?” I sucked in a deep breath, feeling dizzy with the force of my words. This half of the truth was the only answer I could give him, and the only thing that would make him stop feeling guilty. And I was terrified it was going to change everything. “You were drunk. And we kissed. And now…now we’re going to forget it ever happened. Okay?”

“Did I hurt you?” He looked horrified, his eyes wide. He looked ready to break.

“God, no!” I grabbed his hand and forced him to sit on the bed with me. “It…it was just stupid, okay? It didn’t mean anything. Right?”

He looked me over, uncertainty coloring his features. “Do…do you want it to mean something?”

I sat back, brows pulled together. “N-no. Do you?”

He stared at me for one terrifying second, then shook his head. “No. I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t…I can’t risk losing you, Em. If I ever went there with you…” He swallowed and dropped his gaze. “I’d ruin it. I would.”

“Hey.” I nudged his leg, feeling relieved and guilty all at the same time. “You didn’t ruin anything.

I’m still me. You’re still you. And we’re still us. Nothing’s changed.”

Besides the fact that I am officially the worst friend in existence.

Cash rubbed his jaw and shook his head. “I have got to stop drinking. I really am the king of asshats when I’m drunk.”

I listened to another gust of wind beat the side of the house and shivered. Cash wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his chin on top of my head. I sat there quietly, trying to dissociate the feeling of his touch from Finn’s.

“I really am sorry,” he whispered.

I shook my head, the guilt eating me alive. “I don’t deserve you, Cash.” He needed to know. I could never tell him the whole truth, but I’d at least give him this. “You are a better friend than I’ll ever be to you. You should know that.”

Cash pulled away and smiled, his lips tilted in that crooked little-boy grin that he never seemed to outgrow. “I think that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

I stared out the window, at the snow piled up outside and the foggy film forming across the glass. I couldn’t look at Cash. Not when all I could see was Finn.

Chapter 34

Finn

“Get up,” a familiar voice said above me.

Easton? I tried to pry my eyelids open, but they felt like they’d been melted together. They probably had. My palms found the warm wet stone beneath me. It felt sticky under my cheek. I wanted to get up. I wanted to get the hell out of this place but my limbs wouldn’t work. Pain burned under every inch of my skin. My skull. The dull echo of horrific memories pulsed behind my eyelids.

“Don’t be a pansy, Finn. It’s only been forty-eight hours. Get. Up.”

I swallowed and pushed, but the movement only ground my cheek further into the muck underneath me, which smelled like blood and ash. “Can’t.” My voice sounded like sandpaper. It felt like it, too, as it crawled its way up and out of my throat.

“Son of a—” Boots scraped along the stone in front of me and stopped. “Can somebody take care of this? This wasn’t the deal. I can’t do anything with him like this.”

After a few more seconds of agony, something started to happen. A tingling sensation started in my toes then blazed through my legs, my fingers. Something swelled in my chest, then raced up my neck until it burst like gold behind my eyelids. And then…nothing. A familiar numbness swept over me. No pain. No nothing.

I cracked an eye open and blinked at the black combat boots a few inches from my face.

“Time to get up,” Easton said. “Humpty Dumpty’s together again.”

He offered his hand to help me up, but I slapped it away and climbed to my knees. “What’s going on?” I swayed. “Is this…is this real?”

“You’re free,” Easton said. “Balthazar made his point.”

“Made his point?” I glared at him. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I stood up and the room tilted off-balance, so I closed my eyes again. It was over? God….it was finally over. I patted down my body, making sure everything was as it should be. When I was sure I was still me, I turned and stomped out of the cave. No vines or flames blocked my escape. I shook my head, feeling sick inside.

Easton followed behind me. “Finn…wait.”

“Don’t.” I held up my hand and blindly hiked through the screams. “Just…don’t.”

“I was following orders. Besides, if you’d have stopped being such a dumbass, this wouldn’t have happened. But you’ll go right back up there and do it again, won’t you? And Balthazar will give you another waste of a chance.”

I stopped when we reached the iron gates and clenched my fists, feeling like I was about to snap in half. I couldn’t take anymore right now. I was too raw. “I can still feel the flesh melting off of my goddamned bones, and you’re going to give me crap about Emma right now? After you dragged me here?”

“I didn’t have a choice!” he shouted. “If you want to blame someone for this, look in a goddamned mirror.”

“Screw you.”

I didn’t wait for his reply. Instead I barreled out into the whirlwind of ash outside the gates. I closed my eyes, immersing myself in the fiery wind around me. When I opened them again I was standing in Scout’s uncle’s garage, vibrating with rage. And pain. And things I didn’t want to think about ever again. I knew it was my fault, damn it. I’d known going into it. But I was starting to think too much had built up between Easton and me. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever get back to the way we were before.

And that bothered me more than I wanted it to.

I took a deep breath and shuddered. If Scout wasn’t here, I didn’t know what I was going to do because it would be a cold day in Hell before I went back to that bar, and I needed his help before I could deal with the Emma situation. Clenching and unclenching my fists, I scanned the dusty garage. I still didn’t trust him after finding out what he was doing with the humans at that bar. I was still pissed.

But I wouldn’t be a hypocrite after what I’d done. And I’d have to get over it if I wanted his help.

“Why don’t you just punch the damn wall and get it over with?”

I spun around too quickly and silvery tendrils of vapor went in every direction.

“Hope you didn’t come for a fight. I’ve never been any good at fighting.” Scout fell back onto the dusty sofa,