“What?” says Connie. “When?”
“Now.”
“I have a manicure appointment.”
“Cancel it.”
The way Ceepak says that, I know we’re not leaving the Mussel Beach Motel until the ring is found or somebody confesses to stealing it.
Our interrogations begin with the bride-to-be.
“When did you notice your ring was missing,” says Ceepak.
“Like an hour ago.”
“Had you taken it off your finger?”
“Well, duh. My sisters are vicious old hags but I don’t think they’d chop my finger off to get at the diamond.”
“Of course. But, last Saturday, you told us you never intended to take the ring off.”
“Well, I didn’t mean never never. Rings can make your skin kind of skanky underneath, especially if you spend a ton of time in the pool, which, I have to. For my tan. I want to look good in my wedding dress. It’s white. You need a tan to wear white, especially a backless.”
“Where did you store the ring?”
She flicks her naked hand with the ring tan line toward the bedside table. “Usually in there. Next to the bible.”
“Was anything else missing?”
“From the drawer? Nope. The bible’s still there. The Yellow Pages. Billy’s condoms.”
She freezes.
Then, she tries to make us think she’s a cute Kewpie doll by crossing her legs, putting two fingers to her lips, and saying, “Oops.”
Ceepak is not susceptible to cute.
“Has your fiancée been a frequent visitor to your room during your time here at the motel?”
“Maybe. You won’t tell my parents, will you?”
“No. Unless they specifically ask me about it.”
Then he’ll tell them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth because, so help him, God, Ceepak is a lot like George Washington with an axe in one hand and a slice of cherry pie in the other: He cannot tell a lie.
“Billy’s been down here a couple times.”
“Last night?”
“Yeah. After the thing with the crowbar. I was scared. I called the girl in the office and she came up with flashlight and all but couldn’t catch my sisters or their husbands in the act. This was like three A.M.”
“Go on.”
“Well, after she left, I still couldn’t sleep, so I texted Billy. He was down here in like ten seconds flat.”
“Were you wearing the diamond during your intimate encounter last night?”
“What?”
Ceepak sort of blushes. So I jump in. “Did you keep the ring on when, you know, you took everything else off?”
“That’s none of your freaking business.”
“Yes, ma’am, it is,” says Ceepak. “We need to establish when your ring might have been off your finger in order to pinpoint when it might have been stolen.
Connie looks down at the floor. “It pulled out Billy’s hair.”
“Come again?”
“The Galuppi. When I ran my hands through Billy’s hair when, you know, we were kissing and stuff, it got snagged. When I yanked it out, it ripped out a huge clump of hair.”
“So you took it off?”
“Yeah. Billy told me to.”
“Did you store it in the drawer?”
“I can’t remember. I was kind of caught up in the moment, you know?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I might’ve just tossed it on the top of the table. Yes. I remember, later, when, you know, Billy was…when we were…it was kind of taking forever….”
Ceepak nods to let her know he doesn’t need the graphic details on that part of the show.
“I guess I got a little bored and looked over to admire the ring cause it was right there on top of the table, sitting in front of the lamp, which has all those pretty seashells in the glass bottom there, and the moonlight was streaming through the crack in the curtains, I swear it was like I was looking at a jewelry ad in Modern Bride magazine.”
“And then Billy left?”
“I’m not sure. I fell asleep first.”
“But he had to head back to his room,” I toss in. “Before your parents woke up.”
“I guess. Yeah. He was gone when I woke up.”
Ceepak strokes his chin. Thinks. “Did you put the ring back on, first thing this morning?”
“Gosh,” says Connie. “Wow. I can’t remember. Guess I was still kind of sleepy. I put on my bathing suit, went down to the pool, did a couple laps. Went to the office for some coffee and one of those powdered doughnut holes they put out. A box from the grocery store. Very cheap buffet. They really shouldn’t call it a breakfast bar.”
“What happened next?”
“After the doughnut hole, I went back to the pool. Let one of the nieces paint my toenails. Read my Bride magazine some more.”
“When did you notice the ring wasn’t on your finger?”
“When my sister, Jackie came out to the pool with her kids. The boys were eating Doritos for breakfast, can you believe it? Doritos and Fanta Orange because it’s sort of like orange juice. Anyway, Jackie says, ‘So where are the Galuppi family jewels this morning?’ I look at my finger, see nothing but a white circle, nearly have a heart attack. I look up at the second floor. I see a maid pushing her cart right past my room and Donna’s husband Tommy lugging an ice chest down the staircase. The blonde girl from the office is carrying towels and junk up on the balcony. I see Billy come out of his room, yawning and stuff. Everybody is going about their totally normal business which makes me freak out! I say, ‘Oh my gawd, oh my gawd,’ kick away the niece working on my nails, almost slip on the stairs running up them in my bare feet, run to my room and….”
Her eyes widen.
“My door was ajar. It was open!”
“Had you locked it when you left?”
“I don’t know! I can’t remember. I had to go downstairs to get coffee because this hotel is so chintzy there’s no coffee makers in the room and Billy had brought a couple beers with him when he dropped by at 4 a.m. so I was kind of muzzy-headed this morning, you know what I mean?”
I can relate. One time, after a night of highly competitive beer pong, I left my apartment wearing one sneaker, one sandal, and one sock.
“I looked everywhere for the ring. I swear. The bedside table, the drawer, the dresser, on top of the TV. I even crawled under the bed!”
“And this was what time?” asks Ceepak.
“About an hour ago. I ran outside and started screaming, ‘Call 9-1-1, call 9-1-1.’”
Which, obviously, somebody did.
“So,” says Ceepak, “the ring went missing sometime between four A.M. when your fiancée requested that you remove it and eleven A.M. when you realized it was missing. A seven hour window. Tell me, does Billy have a key to your room?”
Connie nods. “They gave me two when I checked in. Don’t tell my parents. Please?”
“I will not volunteer any unsolicited information. Danny?”
