he’d return me to California all in one piece. I just didn’t know how deep his wounds went either. When he was gone, Javier had been the person I relied on, whether that was a smart decision or not. But now with Camden in the picture, I felt myself naturally gravitate toward him.
Screw Javier and what he thought of my nature. My real nature, my real self, wanted that person to believe in me, to see the good, ignore the bad, and make me feel like I had a future. Camden was my future – though now that he was closer than ever, I felt that future being taken away from me. All because I made a foolish mistake. All because I had no faith.
The fact was, when I really looked at it, when I really searched deep inside, I was still in love with Camden. It was a love I had to bury for the last few weeks, a love I thought I could never have, that I’d never deserve. But I felt it, hidden underneath the layers, like the center of the sun. It was blinding when you had a glimpse of it but it was enough that you knew it was there, shining down on you. I’d let myself get burned if I could.
Yet now that everything had changed between us, that he knew I’d been with Javier, that I’d been sleeping with him … I wasn’t sure how we could recover from that. I could argue my side until I was blue in the face, keep telling him it never meant anything. But he wouldn’t believe that and even I knew that was a bit of a lie, because Javier did mean something. Just for those moments where I could fool myself into thinking it meant more than it did, it still meant something. That was what I was having the hardest time wrapping my head around. How could I ever explain that my body got what it needed at the time but my heart was fooled? That my heart had always belonged to him, even if just the memory of a man I never thought would come for me. What man would ever understand that? Camden was noble but he was still a man with insecurities like everyone else. He’d go out of his way to make sure I was okay but I was afraid he’d never let his own heart get over it. I was so fucking afraid that he’d never let himself love me again.
I felt shredded up inside and my own heart was afraid to repair itself.
I sighed and looked down at my dress. It was dirty, brown from mud, and I quickly shimmied out of it and into a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt I brought out of one of the spare bags from the trunk before Javier came out of the bathroom. I was tempted to go out to Camden, but even then I wouldn’t know what to say. And, he was right. Someone had to make sure that Javier wasn’t about to screw us over, especially now that I’d slighted him. He was extra volatile.
I was sitting cross-legged on the makeshift bed when Javier came out of the bathroom, ruffling his now wet hair, with a towel. A shower would have been nice considering I had dried patches of dirt on my arms but I’d get by without it. I couldn’t risk leaving Javier alone right now.
“You’re still here?” he asked, tossing the towel across the room. He walked barefoot, just a towel around his waist, to the bed. “I would have thought you’d left after what you’d said to me.”
“Sorry, you’re stuck with me,” I told him, turning my head away before he dropped his towel like I knew he would.
“Or perhaps you’re the one stuck with me,” he said. He climbed in under the shawl-like blanket I’d left on the bed and rolled over to his side.
“You’re not going to turn off the light?” I asked.
He laughed quietly, facing the wall. “Believe me, angel, you don’t want to see what comes out in the dark.”
I gradually lay back down, keeping my arms close to my chest. Within moments he was snoring and I did my best to stay awake. Even with the light on, it wasn’t too long before I fell asleep.
I was awakened the next morning by Camden’s warm and strong hands on my face. I smiled into his touch, still half-asleep and delirious with dreams.
“See, she’s alive,” Javier’s voice broke through the clouds. I blinked a few times and looked beyond Camden’s chiseled face. Javier was standing behind Camden’s crouched body, fully clothed and ready to face the day.
“Then why is she on the floor?” Camden asked, looking behind him in annoyance.
Javier turned around and left my vision. “Because she wanted to sleep there.”
Camden looked back at me, shaking his head as Javier left the room. “Asshole. Like he couldn’t have taken the floor himself.” But I could tell he was relieved that I hadn’t shared Javier’s bed. I was relieved too. I fell asleep and slept all the way through the night. I was still exhausted and groggy-headed, though, but I felt more prepared to face the day, to face North America’s largest metropolis, Mexico City.
“What time is it?” I groaned, wishing Camden would keep his hands on me for as long as he could. My eyes drifted over to his shoulder where the blood had dried and I winced at the sight.
“It’s eight,” Camden said. “We slept in a bit.”
“Your shoulder.”
He eyed it. “Yeah. I took the pills last night, okay Nurse Ellie? New bandage too from Jose’s first aid kit. I’ll be okay. Need a change of clothes though.”
I smiled despite myself, feeling strength returning, and slowly sat up. He grabbed underneath my arms and pulled me to my feet. There was a second or two where he was holding onto me, my chest against his chest, my head positioned just below his lips. I stared forward at his battered collar, at the bright tattoos – snake heads – that were coming through. I breathed in deeply, taking in his familiar smell and making it my fuel.
I looked up at his eyes, hoping he could see far enough in, see how I was really feeling.
He stared back at me, eyes so perfect, so blue. Then he cleared his throat and looked away. “Are you ready to go?”
I took a second to compose myself and shot him a weak smile. “I just need to use the bathroom. I’ll be quick.”
Within minutes I was slipping a bra underneath my tee-shirt and heading out to Jose. The poor car looked even worse in the daylight. I was amazed it had even gotten us this far.
Javier was standing by the driver’s door and noted my expression. “At least the car will blend in with the city. Every car looks like this. Such a shame.”
I made my way to the trunk. “We should at least put on new plates.” I opened it, throwing my overnight bag back in and started rifling through the large Ziplock bag where I kept all the spare plates. There were about ten of them and two of them were foreign, one from British Columbia in Canada and the other from Tijuana state in Mexico. I took the Mexican plate out and waved it at them.
“This should help a bit,” I said and fished out my screwdriver from my spare toolkit. Man, it was nice to have my stuff again. I quickly took off the old Cali plates and put the news ones on, already feeling the heat of the morning sun beating down on me. With any luck, Jose would blend in with any old Mexican car now.
I brought out a pair of black shit-kicker boots that were extra wide at the top and had a leather belt around them that I’d added to them. They were perfect for stuffing a gun and strapping a knife to you. I brought out my Colt from the box in the truck and shoved it down my right boot, making sure it was secure. It looked awfully pretty next to the cherry blossoms on my shin.
I straightened up and looked over the trunk at Camden. “Hey where did you get the gun you were using last night?’
“Gus,” he said and my heart was immediately crushed at the thought of him. He’d come all this way with Camden for me and could be very well dead, if not tortured, by now. Every second we spent trying to get to Javier’s sister, the more Gus slipped away. But we needed Javier’s help, his knowledge of Travis, of the cartels, of Mexico. We had to help him before he could help us, even though I had a feeling all of us were equally wanted now.
I looked over at Camden and Javier, the wheels in my head turning.
“Javier,” I said, “do you think we need to change our appearances?” As it was I had a blonde wig in the trunk too and brought it out before he could say anything. I plopped it on my head and turned to look at them.
With Javier on one side of the car and Camden on the other, they both looked at me with a speechless expression on their faces. I guess with the blonde hair, I looked to Camden like I did in high school and I looked to Javier like I did when we were living together.
“Take it off,” they both said in unison then exchanged furtive glances with each other.
