Losing Hope

eyes with the back of my hand, just as she stands up and her own eyes fill with tears. “You know what he did to Hope? And you know that Hope is alive and that she’s fine? You know everything?”

My mother is shaking her head and fear is filling her eyes. She can’t tell if I’m mad or if I’ve lost it or if I’m about to flip out.

“Holder . . .” she says. “We couldn’t tell you. I knew what it would do to you if you knew something like that happened to your sister.”

I collapse into a chair, unable to stand up for another second. She walks around the desk and kneels in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Holder. Please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry.”

She’s crying, looking at me with so much regret and apology. I immediately find the strength to stand back up and I pull her up with me. “God, no,” I say to her, throwing my arms around her neck. “Mom, I’m so glad you know. I’m so relieved Les had you through all of that. And Hope?” I push her away from me and look her in the eyes. “She’s Sky, Mom. Hope is Sky and Sky is okay and I love her. I love her so much and I had no idea how to tell you because I was so scared you would recognize her.”

Her eyes grow wide and she backs away from me, falling back into her chair. “Your girlfriend? Your girlfriend is Hope?”

I nod, knowing none of this is making any sense to her. “Remember when I met Sky at the store a few months ago? I recognized her. I thought she was Hope, but then I thought maybe she wasn’t. Then I fucking fell in love with her, Mom. I can’t even begin to tell you the shit we’ve been through this week.” I’m talking faster than she can probably comprehend. I sit in the chair across from her and pull it closer to her, then lean forward and take her by the hands. “She’s okay. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. And I know you did your best for Les, Mom. I hope you know that, too. You did everything you could, but sometimes even all the love in the world from mothers and brothers isn’t enough to help pull someone out of their nightmare. We just need to accept that things are what they are, and all the guilt and regret in the world can’t change that.”

She begins to sob. I wrap my arms around her and I hold her.

Chapter Forty-nine-and-a-half

Sky and I took the last two days of the week off school. We figured we already missed three days, what’s two more? Besides, Karen wanted to keep a close eye on Sky all week. She’s concerned about how everything is affecting her.

I agreed to give Sky space for a few days, but what Karen doesn’t realize is that Sky’s window still sees regular traffic in the middle of the night. All from me.

I’ve spent the last few days in deep discussions with Mom. She wanted to know everything I knew about Les and Hope and of course she wanted to know what happened last weekend in Austin. Then she wanted to know all about my relationship with Sky, so I brought her up to date. Then she said she wanted to meet her.

So here we are. Sky just walked through the front door and my mom has her arms around her. She started crying almost immediately, which in turn made Sky tear up a little. Now they’re standing in the foyer and my mother won’t let go of her.

“I don’t want to interrupt this homecoming,” I say. “But if you don’t let her go, Mom, you might scare her away.”

My mother laughs and sniffles, pulling away from Sky. “You’re so beautiful,” she says, smiling at Sky. She turns to me. “She’s beautiful, Holder.”

I shrug. “Yeah, she’s okay.”

Sky laughs and hits me on the arm. “Remember? The insults are only funny in text form.”

I grab her and pull her to me. “You’re not beautiful, Sky,” I whisper in her ear. “You’re incredible.”

She wraps her arms around me in return. “You’re not so bad, yourself,” she says.

My mother takes her by the hand and pulls her away from me and into the living room, then she begins to bombard her with questions. I appreciate it, though, because she doesn’t ask her questions about her situation or her past. She just asks normal questions about what she wants to major in when she goes to college and where she’s planning to go to college. I leave them both in the living room to continue their conversation while I walk to the garage and grab a few boxes. Mom and I have talked about clearing out Les’s room before. Now that I have Sky here, I think I’ll actually be able to do it.

I walk back to the living room and hand them each a box. “Come on,” I say, heading toward the stairs. “We’ve got a room to clean.”

We spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning out Les’s room. We box her pictures and anything that meant something to her in one box, then we put all her clothes in boxes to take to Goodwill. I take both notebooks and I wrap them in the pair of jeans that have been on the floor for over a year and I place it all in a box. A box I keep.

After the room is finished, my mother and Sky head downstairs. I stack the boxes in the hallway, then turn to shut the door. Before I close it completely, I look to her bed. I don’t watch her die again. I watch her smile.

Chapter Forty-nine-and-three-quarters

“I thought she said she wasn’t going this weekend,” I say to Sky as we walk through her front door.

“I begged her to go. She’s been stuck to me like glue for days now and I told her if she didn’t go do her flea market thing, I’d run away.”

We make our way to Sky’s bedroom and I close the door behind us. “So does that mean I can get you pregnant tonight?”

She turns around and faces me, then shrugs. “I guess we could practice,” she says, smiling.

And we do. We practice at least three different times before midnight.

* * *

We’re lying on her bed, tangled together beneath her sheet. She’s holding up our hands, which are clasped between us, and she’s staring at them. “I remember, you know,” she says softly.

I tilt my head until it meets hers on the pillow. “You remember what?”

She pulls her fingers away, then she wraps her pinky around mine. “This,” she whispers. “I remember the first time you held my hand like this. And I remember everything you said to me that night.”

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath.

“Not long after Karen brought me here, she asked me to forget my old name and all the bad that went along with it. So I thought about you . . . and I told her I wanted to be called Sky.”

She lifts up onto her elbow and looks down at me. “You were always there, you know. Even when I couldn’t remember . . . you were always there.”

I push her hair behind her ear and kiss her, then pull back. “I love you so much, Sky.”

“I love you, too, Holder.”

I pull my arm out from under her and roll her onto her back, looking down at her. “Will you do me a favor?”

She nods.

“From now on, I want you to call me Dean.”

Final Chapter