Walk the Shadows

Harry bit his lip again, hard enough to taste blood. Snape was asking. Not telling. He quickly nodded before he lost his nerve.

Snape stepped around to his side of the table, and put a hand on his shoulder. Managing, barely, not to flinch, Harry took another deep breath. 'That's it,' Snape said. 'Try and relax. It'll be easier that way. Now, put the wand to your temple and concentrate on one memory you wish to remove.' His fingers tightened on Harry's shoulder as Harry lifted the wand. The wand trembled and he had a sudden jolt of . . . something. Revelation?

What if he just Obliviated himself?

Wouldn't that be the best thing to do, all around? He wouldn't be able to remember any of it, the manor, Voldemort's pale white hands, Lucius' cold whispers . . . he would be at peace, truly. He wouldn't hurt any more. Hand shaking even more, he gathered his courage, and the word was on the tip of his tongue when Snape suddenly grabbed his wrist.

'What are you doing?' Snape snarled, and yanked the wand away from his head.

'What I should have done days ago,' Harry told him, and wrenched his hand free of the potion master's grip. He still had the wand; that was something.

'Idiot child! Do you even know how to perform the spell? Do you want to wipe your entire mind clean away?'

'I don't care! What does it matter, anyway?'

Snape glared at him, eyes like dark fire. 'If you truly do not care, then it matters not a whit. Go ahead. Curse yourself to oblivion. Abandon your life, your friends, and the entirety of the Wizarding world. Become a squib, go back to your Muggle life, or make a new one from a blank slate, if you really do not care.'

A primal sound formed in Harry's throat, and he gave vent to the anguished cry and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He did care, he cared too damn much. It had always been his problem. Could he erase all memory of Hermione and Ron, the first and best friends he'd ever had? Could he obliterate Hagrid, or Remus, or . . . or Sirius? No, it was impossible. He wanted them, memories of them, but he could not deal with the others.

'You do it for me then!' he cried and shoved the wand at Snape. 'You know the spell, you could remove just . . . just those couple weeks.'

Snape made no move to take the wand. 'Harry . . . it's no good. You can obliterate those memories, yes, but it won't take away the feelings associated with them. You won't know why you don't want anyone to touch you, nor why the idea of physical intimacy makes you shaky and sick. Also, you won't be able to erase the memories from anyone else who has knowledge of what happened, and who might remind you, wittingly or otherwise.'

'What? You wouldn't . . .' Harry was suddenly very cold. And nauseous. And thought he might actually faint. 'You mean Malfoy.'

In a very quiet voice, Snape said, 'I was not thinking specifically of Draco, but yes, that is what I meant. I cannot imagine that the Dark Lord, nor Lucius, will keep your . . . treatment at their hands a secret.'

'Oh, god, oh, god. I'm gonna hurl . . .' and before he'd made it more than two steps to the bathroom, he did so, spewing the little bit of lunch he'd had all over the nice rugs in front of the fireplace. From his knees, he heaved and heaved until there was nothing left, and then he heaved some more until there was naught but sour spittle in his mouth and the taste of salt from tears.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO

From his knees, Severus banished the foulness with a wave of his wand, and considered conjuring a bucket. But the boy was nearly done now, just shivering and hugging his arms to himself. To make sure he did not collapse, Severus put a hand on his back, and though Harry twitched like a skittish colt, he did not fling himself away as he had previously.

Severus would have counted that as progress if the mere idea that other students might know what had transpired at Topsham had not sent Harry into this awful spiral. Had the boy not considered it at all? The very idea was absurd. And yet . . . perhaps he was just too focused on making a recovery that he had not given the future much thought?

It was possible, though he doubted it. Harry seemed to give an inordinate amount of consideration to the future, at least insofar as fighting the Dark Lord was concerned, and he usually thought little of the past. Perhaps that is where the problem lay, this time, in his inability to push this event away as he had so many others.

It would bear thinking on. In the meantime . . . he summoned a glass of water and held it out. 'Harry. Take the glass and drink. It will help you feel better. Your throat, anyway.'

Blindly, Harry reached for the glass, and his hands shook as he brought it to his mouth. As the boy sipped, Severus was unsure what else to do, and ended up rubbing small circles on the boy's back to soothe him. It seemed to work, as the boy relaxed a little, and some color returned to his cheeks as his shivering abated.

'S-sorry, sir,' he said in a thick voice, when half his water was gone.

'Don't be. Let's get you off the floor, though, shall we?'

'You're not gonna refer to me in first person plural now, are you?' Harry muttered. 'Like a nursemaid?'

Severus snorted softly. 'Impertinent brat. I'll only do so, if we don't get up very soon. My knees are not as young as yours. And that's points off, for your use of a blacklisted word. Again.'

'What, 'nursemaid'?'

With only a growl in response, Severus hauled himself to his feet, and offered a hand down to Harry. After a brief, almost non-existent hesitation, Harry took his hand and stood. He still looked pale and his hand was clammy, but he was clearly over this particular episode.

It was equally clear that the necessity for Occlumency had risen dramatically. 'Come sit at the table,' Severus said, and waved Harry into the seat he'd occupied until a few minutes ago. Once more, he gave Harry the wand and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. The boy had the determined gleam in his eyes that Severus far preferred to his passivity, no matter that he would rail about it once classes started again. 'Hold it to your temple, and focus. When you have the memory completely in your grasp, draw it away from you with the wand. Be careful, and