He drew a sharp breath. “Saffediene is not in love with me.”
“She is.”
“Well, I am not in love with her.”
“So, you’re using her, then. Getting her to doctor reports and say what you think I need to hear. Is that it?”
“Absolutely not,” he said, but some shame leaked from him.
“Did she punch you when you tried to kiss her?”
Zenn sat very still. “No.”
“Then who did?”
Zenn pushed his chair away from the table, stood, and left. I watched him go, thinking,
I gathered my papers, remembering the one Zenn had given me that read
As I went to find breakfast, I wondered if Zenn wouldn’t be better off on the other side. He could lead his own city, without having to report every detail of his life.
“I guess it doesn’t matter,” I said to myself. “No matter what, he’ll have to deal with me.”
Zenn
32.
The next six days passed slowly, having to watch Jag holding Violet’s hand while they whispered preparations for the invasion of Freedom, and not having any chance to escape and be alone.
Gunn was awful company, as he’d learned that Starr had been sent to Baybridge as Hightower’s representative. He and Raine spent most of their time huddled together in a corner somewhere, talking.
I felt terribly alone. Before, I’d had Vi, and together we’d blended with other couples. Now, I felt abandoned by the friends I’d had in Freedom, simply because I didn’t have a partner.
I avoided Saffediene. I didn’t want to be the guy Jag had accused me of being. I would not use Saffediene’s crush on me to influence her behavior. I knew what rejection felt like, and I couldn’t do that to her.
Vi hadn’t told Jag about our kiss. If she had, I would’ve been punched again. And Jag is considerably stronger than Vi.
I spent most of my time following Jag’s exact orders and lying on my cot, wondering if I wanted to return to Freedom as Director Hightower’s protege.
Finally, March twenty-eighth arrived.
Jag found me in the weapons room, getting my cache reset and the Resistance frequency uploaded. Pace scurried around, activating belts and vests and making sure we had all the equipment we needed for the attack.
“Zenn, you and I will stick with Vi.” Jag stood just out of the fray, dressed in black from head to toe, not a stitch of tech anywhere. Typical Jag. He wasn’t exactly anti-technology, just cocky.
“Did you hear me?” he asked.
“Yeah, stick with Vi. Got it.”
“Between the two of us, she’ll be safe.” He stepped toward the door.
“Did it ever occur to you she might not want me around?” I called.
“More than once,” he said. “Vi doesn’t hold much back, you know.” He looked straight through me. “But I know you’re the one person who’d rather die than allow her to get hurt.” Then he left before I could respond.
I didn’t have a defense anyway. He was right. Over the past few days I’d tried to imagine a situation where I’d leave Vi in danger. Where I’d fly away while she bled, or where I’d turn her over to Director Hightower to save myself.
I hadn’t succeeded. Vi didn’t want me—she didn’t even like me—but I couldn’t stop loving her. I was pathetic.
Pathetic and alone.
While Pace plugged a line into my transmission portal, I thought about what life could be like north of the dead border just beyond Cedar Hills. I could build a house. I could scavenge for food. I could live a simple life, full of nothing but breathing and chopping wood and purifying water. I wouldn’t have to worry about girls or Thinkers or Jag Barque.
I could simply take the backpack Pace had given me, get on my hoverboard, and fly away. Far, far away.
It sounded like the best idea I’d had in a long time.
I also knew I’d never do it.
I worry too much about what people think of me. And I want my life to mean something. I want to be important.
Armed with my backpack and my hoverboard, I joined the others in the open field behind the safe house. Stars twinkled overhead, partially eclipsed by clouds. Close to two hundred Insiders had arrived over the course of the last week, and everyone was restless for the invasion of Freedom to begin. Tense whispers filled my ears, but I didn’t join the groups of people surrounding me.
I stood behind Jag—forever behind Jag—and Vi, waiting for who-knows-what. Part of me died a little when he turned and kissed her. The rest of me wanted to howl in pain.
Finally, everything was in place, and Jag gave the signal to lift off. He’d assigned everyone a specific spot in the advance party, and everyone had a task in the city too. Voices were flying up front, so I nosed my board between Gunn and Thane while keeping an eye on Vi.
Jag flew in the lead position, with Vi just behind him.
I nodded in response. All I wanted to do was run into my father. I wondered where he was right now. Did he still work in the Transportation Department in the Goodgrounds? Did he still have clearance to the best tech?
I could’ve sent someone to find out. I hadn’t. If I didn’t know for sure, then I could imagine the best possible scenario.
The ocean below me felt dark and sinister. The water chopped toward the shore. The lights emanating from the Rises gave the city a false sparkle, making it almost seem inviting.
I caught bits of conversation from the others around me, but I didn’t join in. Speculation just isn’t my thing. I didn’t want to stew about what I might or might not encounter in the city.
I’d find out when I arrived.
About ten minutes from shore, Jag motioned with his hand, and I sent the chat out to everyone.
As the group split into four, thirteen people remained in the lead group. Me, Jag, Vi, Gunn, Thane,
