Abandon

Jag tore his gaze away from me and left my line of sight. A moment later Irvine Blightingdale crouched next to me, his cold fingers pushing against my forehead, neck, and ribs.

Something hot blazed against my wrist, and then liquid ice flowed through my veins.

“You’ll go to sleep for a while, Zenn,” Irvine said in a deep voice that reminded me of my father’s. “When you wake up, we’ll be ready to record.” Irvine left, taking Vi with him. I stared up at the sky, unmoving, waiting to fall asleep, alone in my grief and pain.

That is, until Saffediene slipped her hand into mine. “I’m here, Zenn. You’ll be all right.”

* * *

When I woke up, Saffediene was by my side. Her eyes were closed, and her skin reflected the glow from the p-screen on the wall.

I lay propped up in a bed. Without the flickering light from the p-screen, the room would’ve pitched into darkness.

I tried to speak, but only managed a low gurgling sound. The pain was gone, replaced by this drugged condition where everything felt too bright and moved too fast. I couldn’t decide which was worse.

Irvine entered the room. “Hello, Zenn. Good to see you awake. We’re ready to begin recording.”

Ready to begin recording? I couldn’t even talk. I gestured to my throat, trying to communicate the problem with Irvine.

“No problem,” he said. He tapped his finger on the computer beside my bed, and I felt the tension in my muscles ease. “Try it now.”

“Thanks,” I managed to say. “How’d you do that?”

“Tech,” he answered.

“Irv has a piece of tech for everything,” someone said from the doorway. I’d know that voice anywhere. It haunted me in my quiet moments, and it chased me through dark tunnels. It accused me of abandoning Vi, of turning traitor.

And it was right.

“Hey, Jag,” I said.

He regarded me coolly. He couldn’t figure me out, and I hadn’t made it easy for him. Half the time I didn’t know what I was doing, or why.

I was lost. Others had always advised me. My father. Thane Myers. Jag Barque. Van Hightower.

And now Ian Darke.

I had never directed myself, set my own course. I’d been doing what everyone told me to do for years and years and years.

Jag watched me wrestle with myself, a doubtful glare on his face. “What?” I asked him.

“You’ve got some weird vibes,” he said. “Are you doing this or not?”

I wanted to say yes, because it would make him happy.

I wanted to say no, because General Darke would be furious if he found out.

I wanted to go back to sleep so I didn’t have to choose.

In the past I’d always done whatever it took to keep Vi safe. Anything and everything to protect her, to ensure her survival, to keep her as my own.

But she was already safe. And she was with someone else now.

How was I supposed to make decisions without her as my motivation?

I glanced at Saffediene and was struck by the beauty of her freckles. Could she be my motivation?

Why did anyone have to be my motivation?

I needed to decide what I wanted, not what I wanted because of someone else. I needed to classify what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I believed, what I didn’t, what brought me joy, and what didn’t.

I reached out and traced my fingertip along Saffediene’s cheekbone. She startled, waking and searching my face for an explanation.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said softly. I wished Irvine and Jag weren’t here. But my wishes rarely come true.

Saffediene didn’t respond verbally. She closed the distance between us and kissed me. Then I really, really wished Irvine and Jag weren’t watching.

I vaguely heard their footsteps as they left.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I murmured against her mouth. She kept saying, “I forgive you. It’s okay,” in between kisses.

Warmth grew inside me, expanding until it pushed out my fear and doubt. Finally, with my lips raw, I gently extracted myself from Saffediene’s embrace.

“Saffediene?”

She snuggled into my side. “Hmm?”

“Why do you like me?”

A long pause followed, wherein some of my doubt crept back in. I struggled to keep it at bay.

“Is this a trick question?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “It’s just . . . No one’s ever liked me before. Not the real me, at least. And it seems that you do. I’m just wondering why.”

“You don’t see yourself very clearly, do you?”

I don’t see myself at all, I thought. I don’t know who I am, or what I’m doing, or why. “No,” I said, “I don’t.”

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked me straight in my eyes. “The first time I met you, your conviction struck me like a weight to the chest. Every word was spoken with complete and utter confidence. You had an answer for all my fears, all my doubts. I remember thinking that you had everything figured out.”

I barked out a laugh. “I’m really good at lying.”

“That wasn’t a lie. No one’s that good.”

I am, I thought, and I really was. The real question was: Had I been lying to myself too, all this time?

“Zenn,” Irvine called. I stiffened, not sure I could record new transmissions. Not sure I believed the words that I’d need to force out of my mouth.

“I believe in you,” Saffediene said. “I believe that you’ll find yourself. Just go in there and say the first thing that comes to your mind.”

* * *

Irv adjusted the dials on his equipment, twisting one way and then the other. He wouldn’t look directly at me, and Jag wouldn’t look anywhere else. He stared at me, his twisted smirk saying, Let’s see what you have to say.

I sat as still as possible, looking at the bandages on my knee and ignoring everyone. I tried to organize what I might say on the transmissions, but nothing jelled.

Then Irvine hooked something to my throat. “Good luck,” Jag said as they both left. Now I had no one but myself to account to.

I remained silent for a few minutes, trying to find the right words to start. They didn’t come. The equipment blinked, encouraging me to speak already. I knew Jag and Vi and everyone else were waiting in another room, waiting to hear what I’d say.

I was waiting too.

I thought of Saffediene, and how she remembered every detail of the first time we’d met. I felt bad that she hadn’t made that big of an impact on me, but I was determined to make it up to her.

I believe in you. Her words raced through my mind.

I opened my mouth. “Citizens of Freedom, it is time for you to wake up. This is the last brainwashing message you’ll hear. That’s right, brainwashing. And it stops here, now. Today.”

Jag