it.
This wasn’t my father. This was a monster fuelled by alcohol and rage. This was a person who was just as broken and damaged as me. Tomorrow he wouldn’t remember any of it, and if he did, he would be sorry for it.
I couldn’t give up on him. Even if it killed me.
“Daddy, I’m not like her,” I said, desperate for him to release me. “I promise I’m not like her. Please, just calm down. For me. For Anna.”
Dad’s breathing slowed, and he fixed me with his glazed over blue eyes. He released my hair, and grasped my face in both hands. “You-you look so much like her. Same hair, same eyes, same lips.”
I stayed perfectly still as he studied me, his grip finally slackening. He backed away and slammed a fist into the wall behind him. “I miss her so much! I miss her! She betrayed me, but I miss her! I love her!”
Despite wanting his hands off me only moments ago, I found myself lurching towards him—ignoring the searing of my skull—and wrapping an arm around his back. “I know, I know you do.” It was hard to believe that the calm, soothing voice was coming from my mouth. I felt anything but calm on the inside. “But you can’t let her hold you back. You’re better than that.”
In a single moment of clarity, Dad fixed his eyes on me. “I’m sorry. I just miss her so much. How could she do this to me? To us? You remind me so much of her.” He turned and wrapped his arms around me, burying his head into my shoulder and sobbing. “I just want to forget her. Please help me forget her. You’re the only one who can help me forget.”
This broken man—my father—was shattering in front of me, and I had to help him even if I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t have to do this. Fathers were supposed to protect their daughters, not the other way around.
“Help me sleep,” he murmured into my shoulder. “I can’t sleep. Help me sleep.”
Choking back a sob, I nodded and allowed him to grab my wrist and pull me towards his room. I didn’t want to go in there. I didn’t want to console him in the way he needed me to—he had let me down—but I couldn’t make myself dig my feet into the floor and say no.
The door shut behind us and it was already too late.
I couldn’t say no, and that was my biggest fault.
Twenty minutes later, I walked back outside.
There was another car pulling into the driveway just as Savannah ran to me. It was a car that was all too familiar.
“Are you okay?” Savannah asked, but my attention was on the car and the person getting out of it.
“Why is Seth here?”
Seth Markson was my cousin—he was dad’s brother’s only son—and had dropped in on us from time to time ever since Mom had left home. He was twenty-six-years-old and worked in real estate where he earned decent money, so he had helped us out when we were struggling with money even though I hadn’t wanted him to.
I didn’t like the idea of owing Seth money. I didn’t like the idea of owing him anything.
“I called him,” Savannah answered. “I got worried when you didn’t come out right away, and I didn’t want to call Nate after what happened last time.”
I winced at the not-too-distant memory. The last time Nate and Dad had come face to face, blows had been exchanged. None of us wanted that to happen ever again.
“So you called Seth?” I hissed at her, as Seth approached us with brisk steps. He was dressed in a business suit and it was pretty clear he’d just finished work. “You know how I feel about—”
“Girls, what’s going on here?” Seth asked, stopping in front of us.
You couldn’t tell from looking at the three of us that we were related. Seth had dark blonde hair, periwinkle blue eyes, a square jaw and was a lot stockier than us.
“Hey, Seth,” Savannah said, giving him a quick hug. “You know, just the usual with Dad. Estee was in there for so long and I got worried, so I called you. I hope you don’t mind.”
Seth’s eyes searched mine as he ruffled Savannah’s hair in the same moment. “I don’t mind at all. I told you I’d always look out for you guys. If you ever need me, you know you can call me, right?”
He gave me a pointed look as though trying to drive the point home. I had heard this from Seth several times, but I never called him. I knew he was being genuine about helping out, but I didn’t want to be anyone’s charity case. Anna was the one who was close to him—she saw him as a big brother, even more now that Nate had moved out.
The skin of my left arm began to itch beneath my sweater and despite not wanting to be obvious about it, I rubbed at the itch over the sweater. Seth followed my motion and scrutinized my arm. A brief look of satisfaction flitted across his face before turning serious once again.
“We’re doing okay,” I managed to say.
My head was still swimming from my encounter with Dad and it was difficult to find the right words to say to Seth. All I knew was that I didn’t want anyone else getting involved in our personal matter. This was something I wanted to handle myself, even if it destroyed me.
The expression on Seth’s face was one of concern as he leaned forward and placed a hand over the very spot on my arm that I had been rubbing seconds ago. His eyes were like blue lasers probing me, trying to figure me out and analyze me.
“I know this isn’t easy for you guys to handle. No one should have to see their worthless father passed out on the floor every day. He’s not fit to take care of you. There’s always room at my place—”
“No.” My tone was firm. My word was final. This was where I drew the line.
There were a lot of things I could overlook, but I wasn’t going to stand here and pretend that everything was fine when it obviously wasn’t.
Seth reacted as though I had spit in his face, and he looked genuinely hurt by my tone of voice. He held up his hands in surrender and took a step back, glancing at Savannah who was shooting me daggers. “What about you, Anna? How are you holding up?”
“I’d rather not be here for longer than I have to. If it were up to me, I would come and live with you.” Once again, my little sister gave me a death look which I completely ignored.
“Money’s still tight, huh?”
“It would be tight if we actually
Seth turned to me, his eyes filled with interest. “You have a new job? Where?”
“Penthill. I tutor a ten-year-old.”
“Okay, but it’s still gotta be hard.” Seth stared at me as though daring me to disagree with him.
Finally, I released a sigh and fixed him with a steely look. “Yes, it’s hard, okay? But we’re doing the best we can.”
He seemed satisfied with my answer as he reached into the back pocket of his tailored pants and pulled out his wallet. Upon opening it, he rifled through it and pulled out several fifty dollar bills before handing them to Savannah who simply gaped at them.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, pretty much at a loss for words.
“Helping,” Seth said. “It’s okay to ask for help.”
“I didn’t ask for help!” I cried, feeling helpless again.
“I can see the look in your eyes. I can tell what you want.”
For a moment, I felt small, weak, fragile. For a moment, I lost myself.
I must’ve blanked out, because the next thing I knew, Savannah was shaking my shoulder, and Seth was retreating to his car.
“That was rude, Estee!” Savannah snapped in my ear. “You could’ve at least said bye! He’s just trying to help!”
Even though I knew my sister was right, all I could muster was a half-hearted shrug which seemed to infuriate her further. She muttered something under her breath before storming inside the house.
I stood outside for a long time, staring up at the star-filled sky, searching for the hope that had left me a long time ago.
