“Fuck me . . . I didn’t mean to be that rough with you. I just . . . lost it. I’m sorry, baby.”
“For what?” She murmured drowsily, “I’m not sorry at all. I liked it, all of it.”
Declan raised her head, looking at her in surprise. “You did? I figured I scared the hell out of you.”
Shaking her head, she said, “I might not have much experience, but I love it when you let go. You don’t have to worry about me, I . . . I seem to like what you like, and I hope we do it again.” She felt his chest rumble at her confession. Was he laughing? Maybe you were supposed to be a little less enthusiastic after rough and tumble sex. She didn’t want him to worry about her though, and she wanted to make sure it happened again.
“Oh Ellie, I love that I never know what in the hell you’re going to say or do next. Let’s get off the floor and see if we can hobble to the shower. If you’re a good girl, I might have an encore in me tonight.”
Grinning, Ella asked, “What if I’m a bad girl?”
Declan slapped her naked butt saying, “Then I guarantee I’ve got something else for you.”
And he did . . .
Ella woke from a sound sleep with her heart racing. Something was wrong. What had startled her awake? Suddenly, the shout came again, followed by frantic movements from the man beside her. His voice echoed off the walls of the apartment as he screamed, “Craig! It’s a trap, stop! Craig, fucking stop,
She turned on her bedside lamp and, even though his eyes were wide open, he continued on, wrapped in some unseen terror. She caught a whiff of alcohol and remembered that he had left her in bed after making love the second time. He’d needed some extra time to relax and she had drifted off before he came to bed. Was he drunk?
She didn’t stop to think, she acted on pure instinct needing to comfort the distraught man. She attempted to put her arms around him whispering softly, “Declan, it’s okay, it’s me . . .”
He recoiled at her touch before he shoved her away so hard her head banged against the headboard and she saw stars. By the time she had her bearings back, he was pacing on the other side of the room looking more confused than anything. She didn’t dare approach him again. Instead, she started softly calling his name, over and over. It took several minutes, but she could see the dream loosening its grip on him as he slowly came back to her.
“What the . . . ?” He looked around as if trying to figure out what was going on. Horror crossed his face as he whispered, “Oh God, it happened didn’t it?”
She wasn’t surprised to find out that this was apparently a common issue for him. She didn’t think someone could have such a violent dream only once. There had to be some kind of memory causing it. “Who’s Craig?”
Flinching as if she had struck him, he turned away from her. “Just an old friend.”
“What happened to him? You said something about a trap?”
“Just leave it, Ellie!”
Ella felt like he had slapped her. He never took that kind of tone with her and she had no plans to leave it alone. “Well, excuse me, but I think I deserve to know since you almost knocked me unconscious over it.”
All of the anger drained from his body instantly and his head rolled back. “Oh fuck. Oh Ellie, baby, I’m sorry.” Walking to her side of the bed, he sank down on the bed and cradled her gently against his body. The smell of alcohol was stronger now, but his words were clear with no slurring. “What happened? I don’t remember anything until I woke up pacing.”
Snuggling into his warmth, she said, “You were screaming about Craig and something about him stopping because it was a trap. I tried to put my arms around you, which I know now isn’t the smartest thing to do when someone is having a nightmare. You pushed me away and I . . . bumped my head a little.” At his look of concern, she quickly added, “It was nothing, really, I’m fine.”
Ignoring her attempts to placate him, he asked, “Where did you hit your head?” He was already feeling along her scalp, looking for injuries. When his fingers found the tender spot, she couldn’t hide her wince. He cursed under his breath, but she knew it was directed inwardly and not at her.
“It’s nothing, really. I barely hit it on the headboard.”
He rubbed it gently before pulling away. “Let me get you some ice for it.”
She grabbed his wrists to stop him. “No, please, just hold me for a while. I think we both need it.” Obviously torn, he finally gave in and pulled her to him before rolling over and settling her on his chest. She felt his lips brush against her hairline as he whispered, “I’m so sorry baby. It kills me that I hurt you of all people. I’m so damn sorry.”
She put her fingers over his mouth, “Shhh, don’t. You were asleep and I made a dumb mistake. I scared you and you reacted. Anyone would have done the same thing. I’m really fine. I would like to know about Craig though. I think you need to talk about it.”
He expelled a long breath and just when she thought he wasn’t going to answer her question, he started talking quietly. “Craig and I were stationed together in Afghanistan. He was on the last leg of his one and only tour. His wife had just had a baby and he was only weeks away from getting out of that hell to be with his family. He had a good job lined up, courtesy of her father, and they were going house hunting just as soon as he made it back. He had everything in front of him and the worst hell he would ever face almost behind him.” Pausing, he tightened his grip on her, as if looking for comfort. “Ellie . . . you have to understand how things were there. You learn to harden yourself to the stuff you see. Sometimes you lose the part that makes you human. On the worst days, we saw men and women just blow themselves to pieces for a chance to inflict some damage on us. Worse yet were the faces of all of the kids. Some visibly hurt and wandering around without parents. Some starving, but still so damn happy they would smile at you. Every time I thought I couldn’t be shocked anymore, something would happen to just fucking slay me. You learn though to push it away. You focus on the job because that’s all that keeps you sane. Sometimes I’d work for days at a time just to keep from sleeping because the dead always found me then. You can run like hell, but you can’t escape your dreams.”
Ella pushed her fist against her mouth, trying to hold back her sobs at the despair she heard in his voice. She wanted to take him in her arms and hold him until the horrors that still haunted him were pushed away. Instead, she listened quietly as he continued to talk, almost like he had forgotten she was there. Once the words started, he couldn’t seem to stop the flow. Had he ever talked to anyone about all of this before?
“You start to see death as part of a daily routine. Just another nameless face. Some of the guys would even joke about it. It wasn’t that they were heartless; it was just how they coped with something that no one should ever have to see. Mainly, I suspect, they laughed to keep from breaking down and crying. There were some good days too. We were a brotherhood, and we always will be. There wasn’t a man in our group who wouldn’t take a bullet for one of his brothers, still would. Weeks of good days though could be blown all to hell by one bad day. A bad day there meant someone was dead.” As if remembering her presence, he looked down saying, “This may be more than you wanted to hear, Ellie . . . why don’t we just leave it for another time?”
Ella wasn’t about to let go now that she was finally getting some insight into his past. She ran a hand down his handsome face, feeling the stubble that was already forming there. Somehow that just made him more appealing. Her hand continued on to his biceps tracing the tattoo there. “What does Semper Fi mean?”
With a husky voice he answered, “Always faithful. Pretty damn ironic isn’t it considering I just found out I’ve got a kid from a one-night-stand.”
“I think it fits you perfectly. The women who passed through your life probably weren’t looking for a commitment any more than you were. Did you ever make any type of promises to them at all?”
Shaking his head, he said, “No, never. I was always very upfront.”
“Then stop ripping yourself to shreds over it. Because of who you are, it bothers you. You use it as a reason to question your integrity. I bet those in your brotherhood would say different. I . . . I want to hear the rest of the story if you can. I think you need to tell me about Craig because it’s tearing you apart.” When he started to shake his head, she added, “Please, for me.”
He sighed and continued. “Craig was just a kid. He decided to join the military to have his schooling paid for. He didn’t come from money and he was engaged to a girl that did. He wanted to prove himself to her and her family and he thought the military would do that. Hell, maybe he watched one too many recruiting commercials, who knows. He was just so young and idealistic. They got married right before he shipped out and he rode that high for a while. He got pretty lucky and didn’t see active duty until the last part of his term. His wife had gotten pregnant during one of his trips home and he was on top of the world. There was a light at the end of the tunnel
