Beautiful Broken Mess

“How did I not know that you and Jace met first?” she gasps. “I’m usually able to pick up on everything. I thought he had a crush on you...but this...this makes so much more sense.”

Her words startle me and I ask, “Why would you say he had a crush on me?”

“He was always watching you guys. I just thought he missed his brother at first. After a while, I caught him specifically watching you. Not Jax, just you. You know those black-and-white photographs he has in his room?” I nod my head, thinking of them lined up above his bed. “You’re in one of them.”

My mouth drops open and I try to remember what they look like. I remember one of them is a picture of his dock back home that extends out over their favorite pond. Jaxon and I spent many hot afternoons jumping into that cold water. There are people in the distance in some of them, mostly silhouettes.

I think about the middle picture and how it has a person sitting on the dock with their feet hanging over the edge, dipping them into the water. The picture was taken so far off in the distance I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was me. It’s only the silhouette of a person. I sat on that dock numerous times so it could have been any number of days.

I recall one time when Jax and Jace had been swimming and then went riding the truck through the mud. I had been waiting for Jax to finish cleaning the truck off, so I decided to splash my feet in the pond. I thought Jace had gone home, but I guess he stuck around to snap some pictures out on the land. The rest of his pictures hanging on the wall are from around the property as well. My favorite is one of his mom taken from pretty far away while she was hanging sheets out to dry.

“Honey, what happened with the baby?” She interrupts my happy memories with a dreadful one. My stomach drops and I squeeze my fists together. “Please. Just talk about it. It’ll help.”

The first time I looked at this little white stick with its two pink lines, I cried my eyes out. I cried out of sadness, frustration, humiliation, and shock. I was scared. I cried because I didn’t think I had anything to offer this child. Now, I gaze at the stick with hope. I can do this. I can love this baby and that’s enough.

I know I need to move out of this house. Being around my dad just isn’t okay anymore. I’ve never actually thought about it in that light before. It’s amazing what even the prospect of being a parent can do for you. Before, my dad’s aggression was just a phase that I needed to wait out. I would bear it. I would graduate and then I would leave Texas.

But now this tiny little plum-sized baby is my number-one priority. Now I realize that I can’t allow my body to be harmed. I need to get out of here and find a safer home for the two of us.

As I pack my bags, I have a fleeting thought of seeing Jace one more time. I wish I could see those sea-blue eyes for just a second longer. In a way, if this baby had been Jaxon’s, at least I could pretend it was part of Jace as well.

But it’s not.

Mr. Howard stole that from me.

When he told me that I wouldn’t pass if I didn’t attend his after-school study session, I was confused. I thought I was doing well in his class. When I showed up and I was the only student present, that should have been my first warning. But I was naive, so I followed him into his storage room to grab the supplies we supposedly needed. I’ll never forget the echo the metal lock made when he slid it into place.

I chase away the bad memories by shoving more clothes into my backpack. One good thing about never really owning much is that I don’t have a lot to carry out of here. I’m hoping that today at work I can talk to Nico about helping me find some place to stay.

“Don’t worry, little plum, I’ll find somewhere safe for us,” I whisper.

I quickly stash my loaded backpack underneath the couch and pull on my t-shirt for work. It’s getting a bit snug and I’m sure people at work have noticed. I’m still in that awkward stage where others are probably wondering if I’m pregnant or just sneaking in a few too many of our famous breadsticks. Well, they’ll all know soon enough.

I grab my purse and step out onto our front porch. My heart lurches when I see my dad coming up the stairs with a death stare focused directly on me.

His eyes flash to my stomach and back to my face, and then return to my stomach for one final perusal. I see the wheels turning and I pray I can just get to work without incident.

“What have you gone and done?” he growls in a low, threatening voice.

“Nothing. I need to get to work,” I quickly say, stepping backward.

“You’re just like your whore of a mother...”

I try to interrupt and tell him I am nothing like her, but he launches forward. His foot rises up and connects with my stomach. I feel the air rush past me, but I’m confused about what exactly is happening. When I feel the hard smack of concrete on my back and the coppery taste of blood in my mouth, my friend, darkness, returns.

Julie wipes away a fleeing tear. She sits in silence for what feels like an eternity. Maybe she’s giving me a chance to accept my words, but I’ve already done that. I can’t let my father hold this over my head anymore.

“Audrey, it was never right for you to be there,” she interrupts my thoughts. “I wish I would have known.” I wave off her concern. There isn’t anything that can be done now; we’ve all made our mistakes.

“I woke up in the hospital two days later, no longer pregnant.”

“Did you stay?”

I shake my head and say, “I haven’t seen my dad since. The boss I worked for let me sleep in the restaurant at night. The day I graduated, I hitchhiked out to California. Although before I left, I did go back and take our dog, Chuck.”

“Hitchhiked!? Audrey, please tell me I just heard you wrong.”

I laugh, thinking about all of the people I met on that trip. “I never told Jace that part.”

“Don’t you ever do that again, young lady,” she scolds while hugging me. “Give Jace time.”

“I feel like I’ve been giving people time my whole life.”

“You know, Jace and Jaxon may be identical but they are nothing alike. Jaxon has always been my child that charges through life. He never thought about the consequences until he was grounded for two months for sinking his dad’s boat to the bottom of the lake, amongst other crimes. Jace, on the other hand, is my thinker. He tries to reason through every scenario before he acts on it. He worries about what others think and he hates to make people upset. This type of situation, an unexpected one, throws him off. These moments don’t show him in his best light. I know that doesn’t excuse his behavior, but just give him some time.”

I stand up to brush off my jeans and she follows. “I have to be at work in about ten minutes.” The moment is awkward and I don’t know what else to say.

Without warning, she hugs me tightly and whispers into my ear. “I know you don’t want to hear apologies, but just know I wish I could go back and change the way things went down. You didn’t deserve anything that was thrown at you, but you are strong and you’ve overcome it all on your own. Be proud of that.”

With a nod, I walk out to the parking lot toward Lane’s SUV. I’ve never actually thought about being proud of myself. I’ve always condemned myself for putting up with my dad’s abuse and my mom’s neglect. I should have done this or I could have done that. At the end of the day, isn’t Julie right though? I came out stronger, so I should be proud.

* * *

Work flies by, thankfully. We had a full house all night. There was a game on that all of the customers were intensely watching, although I have no idea which game or even which sport. I moved around in a daze. Tonight, Em should have technically been on shift with me, so while the extra pair of hands would have been helpful, being busy kept my mind occupied.

Now I’m walking down the hallway toward Jace’s apartment door at three in the morning, hoping my textbook is still lying next to his bed. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I don’t want to see that giant, comfortable bed, his pictures on the wall, or even that darn pantry.

I called Quinn from work earlier, asking her if she could keep their door unlocked since I would be coming by so late. I turn the knob and enter into the darkened living room. The familiar scent that I once found so comforting is unwelcome. I’ve been able to keep the sadness away but being here is difficult.

I tiptoe down the hallway quietly and open Jace’s door. Fortunately, even in the darkness I can make out my