But she didn’t hear me. She was with Jake.
She and Jake were sitting together near the iced tea. She was eating the plate of food I had left out for her. Barbecued chicken and corn salad with buttermilk dressing—thank you, Chef Batiste.
Jake kept snatching little bits of food off the plate.
“Quit it,” Astrid said. “You already ate.”
Jake put his hand on her knee. She let it stay there and continued to eat.
“I know, but it’s good.”
“It’s delicious,” Astrid said.
I felt proud, which was kind of stupid, since it was mostly Batiste’s cooking, anyway.
“You should come back,” Jake said. “The little kids are always asking about you.”
This wasn’t true, actually. Now that motherly Josie had stepped in as mama duck, they actually seemed to have forgotten about rough-and-tumble Astrid.
I don’t think it had anything to do with Astrid’s personality. I just think it served them well to have a very short memory at this stage in their trauma.
“I don’t want to,” she sort of growled. “I told you.”
“We miss you,” Jake said. “Well, Brayden doesn’t miss you, but Dean does.”
I felt my face burn in the dark.
He knew I had a crush on Astrid and Astrid did, too.
“Please,” she said. “He’s harmless.”
Harmless. Okay.
I tried to quiet my breathing. Now I really, really didn’t want them to know I was there.
Astrid finished the food. She put her finger to the sauce on the plate and licked her finger clean.
She put her finger in the sauce again, but this time, before she could get it to her mouth, Jake licked it.
Kneeling in front of her, he took the plate from her.
She let him.
He put his hand on her neck and drew her toward him.
She let him.
He kissed her.
She started to cry.
“I miss my mom,” she said. “I miss my brothers. And Alicia. And Jaden. And Rini.”
“I know,” Jake murmured, rubbing her neck.
“I’m scared. I’m scared sick.”
“Baby, we’re all scared,” Jake said. “Brayden and Josie made a really nice bed for you. You have your own little room. You should come and see it.”
“I told you I can’t! I shake all the time. I’m too scared. I’m so scared I start to choke and I can’t breathe and I throw up! I don’t want to have to be around them!”
He took her into his arms. She clung to him, like he was a life raft and she was drowning.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jake said.
“Aren’t you scared?” she asked him.
“We’re gonna be okay, Astrid.”
“You’re not scared?”
Jake responded by kissing her harder. Suddenly, they were all over each other.
I knew I should back away but I didn’t.
Astrid pushed him off her for a moment and sat up.
Slowly, with Jake watching, and me watching, too, she unbuttoned her shirt.
It was so wrong of me to watch, but I couldn’t, couldn’t stop.
She brushed the tears away with her forearm as she unbuttoned. Astrid slid her shirt off her shoulders and unclasped her bra behind her back. She let the bra fall away and then she was naked from the waist up.
Astrid’s body was so beautiful my throat closed up.
So smooth and wonderful and soft. She looked so soft. A sculpture of some Greek goddess awoken from cold stone into warm pulsing life.
Jake reached up and touched her breasts. He cupped them both.
“Which one’s Cinderella again?” he asked her.
“Neither of my breasts is named Cinderella.” She laughed, sort of unwillingly.
Obviously, this was some old joke between them.
“Hello, Cinderella,” Jake said to one of her beautiful, perfect breasts.
He kissed it.
He nuzzled the other one. “Now, don’t get jealous, Snow White. There’s enough of me for both of you.”
Somehow, hearing him say this—watching this weird, private joke—was even worse than seeing them make out.
Astrid just bent down and kissed him hard.
“Make me feel better,” she told him. “Make me feel something.”
He rolled her under him and I couldn’t see anymore, which was good because I already knew I was going to feel absolutely terrible about what I’d witnessed.
I backed away and I was almost out of earshot when I heard Jake say, “Just forget it.”
And I stopped to listen.
“Here,” Astrid said.
“Forget it,” Jake mumbled. “It’s no good.”
“Wait, Jake, come on.”
“Leave me alone.”
“It’s just stress,” Astrid said. “It’s not like this has happened before.”
“Just leave me alone, I said,” he growled.
I heard the sounds of him pulling his pants on.
“Jake… please,” Astrid said. “Don’t go.”
“There’s a nice bed for you over at the Train. We’re all waiting for you. If you’re so scared, come back to us.”
“I told you, I can’t.”
“See you, Astrid,” he said.
I crouched down as Jake passed by. I held my breath.
After a moment, I went closer to Astrid.
She was sitting up, looking in the direction Jake had gone. She absentmindedly twirled her hair in her fingers, trying to get a knot out. Then she sniffed her armpit and made a face.
As I watched, Astrid slid the straps of her bra onto her shoulders and fitted the lacy cups around her breasts.
My whole body was on fire for Astrid.
I must have moved because suddenly she stopped.
“Jake?” she whispered. Then she listened.
She looked right my way and I was sure she couldn’t see me, but I froze.
Each heartbeat pounding like a drum.
Finally she decided no one was there. She dressed quickly and then, much to my surprise, she climbed right up the iced tea shelves, using them as a ladder.
About halfway up, she reached up and moved aside one of the ceiling panels. I got a glimpse of a sleeping bag and some paperback books up there.
She balanced on the top support of the shelving unit and then crawled into her hiding space.
The ceiling tiles gave just the slightest bit.
Astrid was hiding in one of my food aisles. And I had seen her topless. I hated myself for it, but I had.
