I brought the mirror really, really close to my face, so I could see if my pupils were overly dilated. Maybe I had a concussion.
Max came bopping over. It was his turn to help in the kitchen.
“Dude,” he said. “You look like a monster!”
I considered roaring or acting like a monster in some way, but my head hurt too much.
On our way to the kitchen, I popped four Advils.
I fell asleep during breakfast. What can I say?
It sort of ran without me, with Max dishing out bowls of cornflakes and boxed milk.
I had my head on the counter when Alex nudged me awake.
I saw that breakfast was over and everyone had left.
“What really happened?” he said. “You didn’t fall off a shelf.”
“Who cares?” I said and tried to go back to sleep.
“I care!” he said. “Tell me what happened.”
“Go play with Niko,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re always off with him. Fixing everything. Running everything.”
“Dean, what happened to your face?”
“Jake hit me, okay?”
“Why? What did you do?” he asked.
I just stared at him and he stared back. He had this look of exasperation on his face. Irritation and disappointment.
“What did you do?” he repeated.
It hurt my feelings so much, that he would assume I had done something stupid. That I was the screw- up.
Never mind that I had actually done something stupid.
I wanted him to take my side first and ask questions later.
Tears came to my eyes.
“Get out of here,” I said.
“Dean—”
“Leave me alone!” I hollered. I turned my back and went into the pantry.
After a while, he left.
It was maybe an hour later. I had finished cleaning up breakfast and was just lying on the counter for a wee little nap, when Jake came by.
“Hey, books,” he said. “How you feeling?”
“I feel like hell,” I said.
“Yeah, I thought you might.”
He slipped a couple foil packs out of his pocket.
“Let’s get high,” he said.
“Yes,” I answered.
One of the EZ-melt pain pills from the day before and one triangular orange mystery pill later, I was flying.
I felt relaxed but energized. Loose and happy.
We decided to eat cookies.
We decided to eat one of every type of cookie in the very abundant cookie aisle.
“Friggin’ Chips Ahoy,” I said. “Classic.”
“Soft or hard?” Jake said.
“They’re not called soft, they’re called chewy,” I corrected him.
“Chewy!” He laughed. “You kill me.”
He grabbed some bags off the shelf.
“Here’s where we’re going to get into trouble. Mint Milanos. Orange Milanos. Plain Milanos. Double dark chocolate Milanos. Why do they need so many Milanos?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “There’s like a Milano for every human being in the world.”
“Shoot,” Jake drawled. “There probably is now. There’s only twenty or so of us left!”
And we howled.
“Oh my God, I feel GREAT!” I said.
“I know. It’s crazy,” Jake said.
“Is this what you were taking the day of the elections?”
“Totally.”
“Wow. You so blew it.”
“I know.”
This struck us as hilarious.
“What are you guys doing?” asked Max, coming down the aisle.
I turned and ROARED at him.
Like a monster.
He screamed and ran away.
Me and Jake thought this was the funniest thing ever.
“Hey, you want to know something screwed up?”
“Sure,” I said.
“You know how they said the effects of the compounds on my blood type were, like, reproductive failure?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t get it up,” Jake said. “That’s what they meant. I can’t get it up for anyone anymore.”
“Jeez!” I said. “For you? That’s like a tragedy.”
We started to laugh and laugh and laugh.
“Oh my God, I gotta piss,” Jake said. “Come on. Let’s go to the Dump.”
As we passed the Sports Department, we heard Sahalia laughing.
“What do we have here?” Jake said.
We found Sahalia and Brayden playing air hockey.
Sahalia was wearing what I can best describe as a costume. A sexy carpenter costume. Maybe a sexy farmer.
She had on a giant pair of men’s overalls, cut off at the knee. Under them she was wearing very little. A lace bra and matching lace panties. You could see the bra through them because the sides of overalls are totally open. You could also see the lace cutting over her hip. You could almost see where it connected with the thong part in the back but, hey, I wasn’t staring… too much… I don’t think.
“Hey, fellas!” said Brayden. “Want in on the game?”
“Aren’t you two supposed to be working?” Jake joked.
“I’m in charge of restocking the Automotive section,” Sahalia said sarcastically as she lined up a shot. “But I thought I’d take a break for an hour or three…”
“Friggin’ Niko with his schedule,” Brayden said. “He thinks he can tell everyone what to do at every moment of the day.”
“What can we do, Bray, he was the people’s choice,” Jake said.
I was starting to feel woozy.
“What’s with Geraldine?” Brayden asked.
“I’m good,” I said.
“He’s high,” Jake said.
Sahalia and Brayden laughed.
