time this little tin box ever felt like home.
She tried to smile, but couldn’t quite pull it off.
The new Jann Arden CD she had given me was playing softly in the background, and as I sat down on the couch beside her, I prayed for this moment to last as long as heaven would allow.
Within moments, I had lost myself in the heaven Jann was singing about finding in every breath, under every star, in everything. In the woman sitting next to me.
Anna’s softly sweet scent filled the small room, and I breathed through my nose so I could take it in with every inhalation.
“Good CD, isn’t it?” she said, nodding toward the CD player.
I nodded.
“You must really think so,” she said with a smile. “You have two.”
I smiled.
“How many copies of Dan’s new one do you have?”
“Two, too,” I said. “But I like yours the best.”
She laughed, and we listened to the rest of the song in silence.
The couch we sat on had been left in the trailer by the previous tenants. It was uneven and uncomfortable and had one of those covers that bunched and gathered and slid around every time you moved. There was very little furniture besides it in the room-a small folding table that held a TV and other components, an old leather recliner, its back permanently caught between upright and recline, its leather splitting and tearing, a couple of overcrowded bookshelves that leaned into each other for support. Scattered throughout the room, along the walls mainly, were stacks of books in every shape, size, subject, and genre.
When the song was over, she said, “What’s new in the investigation?”
I told her.
“I would think Bunny could get all the sex she wanted on the street,” she said. “Why run all the risks of having it with inmates inside?”
“Perhaps the risks are what it’s about,” I said. “But you’re right, it’s probably not her. As far as I know the only time she left my office was to sing in the sanctuary.”
“But then how do you explain the condoms and the tampon?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “The tampon could’ve belonged to a female volunteer from an earlier night. The condoms could’ve been brought in by a staff member or an officer.”
She didn’t say anything and I could tell she was thinking about it, the light of intelligence bright in her dark eyes.
Sitting so close to Anna, I found it hard to breathe. I so wanted to be a good man, to be God’s man, belonging fully and completely to her, but how could I when I felt the way I did about this woman? If my love for Anna wasn’t idolatry, it certainly bordered on obsession. And yet, paradoxically, I often experienced the passion I felt for her as a metaphor for how God loved me, and through Anna’s love, I couldn’t help but feel the desire of the God who is the allconsuming fire.
“It’s unbelievable Bobby Earl gets that kind of money from our institution,” she said. “It might explain the condoms.”
I nodded. “The clean ones especially,” I said. “If someone’s using them to mule drugs inside, the lab should be able to tell us.”
“Even so,” she said, “it’s hard to see what it would have to do with Nicole’s death.”
I nodded.
“And frontrunners for that?” she asked.
“Bobby Earl and Bunny are certainly still in the lead,” I said, “but Coel was in the best position to do something without being seen-and he’s the only witness we have who was able to see both doors.”
“He could’ve gone in or be covering for whoever did,” she said.
“Uh huh,” I said. “But I certainly can’t rule out Theo Malcolm. He’s working hard to cover up something, and then there’s Paul Register-his background alone’s enough to keep him near the front of the pack.”
Talked out, we sat in silence and listened to the music and each other breathe some more.
“I’ve had a lot of night classes lately,” she said. “And Chris’s had a lot of really big cases. Things haven’t been the same. It’s why what you said the other night did more than hurt me. It devastated me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve heard,” she said.
“Really.”
“I’m still mad at you.”
“You should be.”
“Sometimes I hate you,” she said, her words four staccato stabs of a serrated blade.
I couldn’t respond to that. All I could do was sit there and bleed.
She didn’t say anything else, and when I could, I said, “Sometimes I hate myself.”
We were quiet for a long moment, Jann’s melancholy music holding us hostage, her sultry voice piercing the emptiness around and in us like arrows, the sad lyrics bittersweet poison on their tips.
“Chris thinks we need counseling,” she said finally.
“You and me?” I asked.
She smiled. “Me and him.”
I nodded.
“What do you think we should do?”
I shook my head. “I’m the last person you should ask,” I said, and I wanted to tell her about Susan, but knew it wasn’t the time.
“Why?” she said. Her eyes looked big and sad, her face revealing her vulnerability.
“Because,” I said, reaching out and sweeping a strand of her thick brown hair from her face, “when it comes to you, I could never be objective.”
She smiled warmly. “Thanks,” she said. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in a long time.”
We sat there in the silence for a long while after Jann had finished her set, our breathing the only sound in the little trailer until the phone rang.
When after a few rings I had made no move to answer it, Anna said, “You gonna get that?”
I shook my head.
Her face lit up again. “That’s the second nicest thing anyone’s done for me lately.”
“I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you,” I said.
“You could try.”
“Every time I’ve wanted to talk about the investigation or share something about my day, I’d pick up the phone and start to punch in your number, or start walking down toward Classification before remembering and…”
“I’ve done the same things,” she said, adding with a wry smile, “except I punched in your number and started up to the chapel. I’ve wanted so badly to help you like I usually do-especially with this one.”
“I’ve needed your help,” I said.
“Well, I’m here now,” she said. “How can I help?”
“Just so we’re clear,” I said, “you are talking about the case-how can you help with the case?”
CHAPTER 28
When I arrived at the chapel the next morning, Dexter Freeman was waiting for me.
“My mom’s dead,” he said.
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Dexter,” I said.
I unlocked the chapel, and eyes red and tired, tears still streaming down his cheeks, he followed me into the spare office and fell heavily into one of the chairs where he sat staring blankly, his body trembling, his head down.
