pigfucker son of a bitch,” he said and sobbed even louder. “I’m gonna kill him, the prick sucker.”
He leaned his head against the steel door and cried some more. In a few minutes, he was snoring.
I walked back down the hallway toward the desk to speak to the officer seated there. On my way by Jacobson’s cell, I looked in. He was completely naked standing in the center of the cell with a full erection.
When he saw me, he ran to the door and began to shout, “I’M THE DEVIL’S SON. I’M THE DEVIL’S SON.”
“No argument here,” I said and continued to walk.
“Got a question for you,” I said to the officer when I had reached his desk.
“Shoot,” he said.
“Is that inmate on any medication?”
“Jacobson, yeah. He takes sleeping pills. But, between you and me, he doesn’t take nearly enough of them. I wish he would sleep all the time. Maybe even sleep the big sleep. You seen that movie? Bogart’s in it.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen it. Good flick,” I said. “But, I was talking about Anthony Thomas in one-fifty-five.”
“Thomas?” he shrugged, “beats the hell outa me, Padre. I don’t know about Thomas. Better ask the nurse.”
“Which one?” I said, finding it odd that he knew that Jacobson was on sleeping pills and didn’t know what was making Anthony Thomas float around his cell.
“Any of them can tell you, I’m sure, but he sees Nurse Strickland the most.”
“Thank you,” I said and walked out.
I was walking back toward the chapel when I saw her. Actually, I didn’t see her. What I saw was a one-ton white FedEx truck. She was headed toward the warehouse on the west side of the institution outside of the fence.
When I reached the warehouse the truck was still there. It was backed up to the loading dock with its flashers blinking. I walked up the ramp and entered the cargo bay. When I stepped inside, I could see her and the warehouse supervisor in his office. I walked over as nonchalantly as I could, which probably resembled running.
“Hello, Chaplain, what brings you out here?” Rick Spawn said when I stepped into the doorway of his office.
Before I could answer, I glanced in her direction.
“Hello, Chaplain JJ,” she said with a big smile.
“Hello,” I said, because it was all I could say at the moment.
“It’s good to see you again,” she said enthusiastically.
“You two know each other?” Rick asked.
“Yes,” Laura said, “I bought the chaplain a pizza the other night. It wasn’t a date or anything, but I think he’s smitten. He’s probably here to ask me out. Do you think I should go?” she asked Rick.
“No, you should go out with me,” he said.
“I don’t date married men,” she said.
“He’s married,” he said, nodding his head toward me. “To his God. Besides, you’re married too,” he said to her.
My heart sank to the depths of my stomach. “You’re married?” I asked, unable to conceal the disappointment in my voice.
“It’s just a joke, Preacher,” she said. “Don’t lose your religion or anything. You almost made him cry, Rick,” she said. “Be ashamed.”
“Listen, you two, I have almost a thousand inmates inside the fence who will harass me anytime. I don’t need two amateurs doing it,” I said.
“Sorry,” she said but didn’t mean it.
“Kind of touchy, isn’t he?” Rick asked.
“Yeah, but he’s cute,” Laura said, “in a discarded mutt sort of way.”
“Okay, that’s it. I’m out of here. I’m going to find some professional harassers.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Rick asked.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Didn’t you come out here for something?”
“I just stopped by to speak to you, you know, making the rounds.”
“He came out here to see me,” Laura said. “When he saw my truck, he nearly ran across the compound. It was embarrassing.”
“Well, let me just say,” I said as I turned to leave, “that if what you say is true, then it was worth it. For the abuse if nothing else.”
As I was walking away, I heard her say to Rick, “I better go and check on him. He seems pretty fragile. Probably doesn’t have a good woman looking out for him.”
“Wait up,” she said as she caught me on the exit ramp. “You’re not going to break your neck running over here and then not even ask me out, are you?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
“Well then, my mom would die if she heard this, but, I guess I’ll just have to ask you out.”
I didn’t respond.
“Well?” she asked impatiently. “Are you going to allow your wounded inner child to keep you from possibly finding your soul mate?”
“Okay.”
“Okay what, Caveman? Try to form a complete sentence.”
“Okay, we can go out. Saturday morning I have to go to Tallahassee. You can come along, and we’ll make a day of it.”
“Doing what?” she asked.
“Whatever. I’ll surprise you. It’ll be fun, I assure you.”
“Okay.”
“What was that, Cavewoman?”
“Okay, I’ll go. I mean how bad could it be. It’s just one day, right?”
“Where do I pick you up?”
“Are you going to the jamboree tonight? You were the jamboree king back in the olden days when you were in school, weren’t you?”
“Yes, I’m going. Yes, I was king. No, it was not the olden days.”
“Then find me at the game, and I’ll tell you where to pick me up. Besides, if you’ll wear something besides that little priest’s outfit, I might let you help me chaperone my little sister’s jamboree jam dance. And if you are really right with God, you might even get to dance with me. Does he allow you to dance?”
“God?” I asked.
She nodded her head.
“Since he, or she, as a friend of mine would say, is the Lord of the dance, I do not see how he or she could object to me doing it.”
“She, huh? I’ve got to meet this friend of yours. And, here’s to a dancing God,” she said and held her hand up in a mock toast.
And then she got into her one-ton truck and drove away. And I stood there and tried to catch my breath.
Chapter 22
It is the chief paradox of Florida that the south part of the state resembles the north part of the country and the north part of the state resembles the south part of the country.
There are two Floridas actually-both of them like LA The first one, the one that most people are familiar with, is the
