Definitely, Maybe in Love

Julia slid off the bed and stood, peering at herself in the mirror. “A few weeks ago, I was really lonely. I missed Dart so much and…” She tucked her hands under her arms, turning away from her reflection. “I…I got so angry at him. He was my first, ya know? It was supposed to be special for both of us, right?”

“Um, right,” I offered, trying to follow along. I felt so sorry for Julia. Heartbroken for her. But a corner of my heart stung for Henry now, too. He thought he’d done the right thing, even if that meant hurting his best friend. As I gazed at Julia, I understood exactly how he must have felt.

“But then I was thinking,” Julia continued, “if Dart could just up and leave like that, I guess it wasn’t so special after all.” She kicked the metal bed frame, her voice sounding more cynical than I’d ever heard, and bitter, too. “I was wondering, seriously, what’s the big deal? It’s just sex, right? But I’d built it up to be this huge monumental event, when it was basically like I was getting it over with. If it’s not special, I should walk to campus and bring some random guy home.”

My spine stiffened. This did not sound like Julia. Frankly, it sounded like Anabel. “But you won’t, right?”

She scoffed, that cynical tone still hanging on. “I’d never have the guts. Maybe I should call Alex.” She laughed darkly. “He’s got the experience and I know he’ll—”

“Julia!” I cut her off. “Don’t even joke about that.”

She blinked, as if coming out of a trance. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course not…not Alex.”

“Good,” I said. “Because I can’t have two reckless roommates. Anabel got kicked out of a bar last week.” I reached for her hand, pulling her to sit beside me. “I need you to be my sensible one.”

Julia smiled, a real one this time. “I will,” she said, but then her posture sagged. “I still get sad sometimes,” she admitted. “Very sad.”

“What can I do?” I asked, feeling an ache in my throat.

“Nothing. Just…thank you for being here, for being such a good friend to me through all of this.”

Now was my turn to move my eyes away. I knew I’d been too wrapped up in my own drama the past few weeks to give her any real comfort. I still didn’t feel like I should tell her what I knew about Dart. Not now. I didn’t want her to flip out all over again, especially if she considered a good remedy for her blues to be picking up casual sex as a hobby.

“You have,” Julia insisted when she saw me turn away. She reached out and lifted my chin like a mother would. “And now, I want to be a friend to you.” She stared straight at me, as if she knew I was withholding information. “There’s something you’re not telling me, isn’t there?”

I nodded, feeling a tingle creep up the back of my neck.

She leaned back, bracing her arms behind her. “Why don’t you go ahead and say it.”

I rubbed my neck, trying to dig up the right words, reaching for the pages in my pocket.

“Just tell me, Springer,” she said. “Tell me how Henry feels about you.”

She tilted her head and smiled at my totally stunned reaction. It wasn’t very often that she caught me off guard. I didn’t want to discuss what she was asking about, but my other choice was to share with her the rest of the letter. I couldn’t do that either.

“Henry,” I began. Just saying his name in this context made my heart flip. “Loves me.”

Julia exhaled like she was relieved about something. “Yeah.” She swept her scarlet hair over one shoulder. “Henry has always loved you. I could see it all over his face. You”—she pointed an accusing finger at me—“would just never look.” She laughed like a tinkling bell, the first I’d heard of it since December. I didn’t mind in the least that her good mood was at my expense.

I bit my lip, not quite as happy as I thought a girl should be while having a conversation about love. Then again, I had zero experience. “He wanted to take me to Tahiti.”

She turned somber. “How romantic.”

“I told him no. In fact, I told him to go frack himself.” I sucked in my lower lip so it wouldn’t wobble. “And then, I was so pissed that I kicked him out the door.” Dullness pressed against my chest and I sank onto the bed. “In the middle of a rain storm.”

Julia’s eyes brimmed with tears. She reached out for my hand and smiled in beautiful, commiserative silence.

This wasn’t like me. I wasn’t the kind of girl to fall apart then slump into exile over a personal crisis, especially over something as pitiful as the obliteration of an almost-relationship. Yet, here I was. The girl I mocked. Wretched and depressed. Even more broken-hearted than before.

“I feel blue.” I sighed. “What do I do?”

“You can borrow my Prozac,” she offered with a smile. “If there’s time later, we might throw in a little endless pontificating. Maybe play a little Adele?”

“Now you’re just reading my mind.”

“Or, we can always turn existential, like one of those Swedish apocalyptic films from the fifties. That should brighten our moods.”

“Okay.” I sat up, happy for the distraction. “You be the cloaked and hooded Angel of Death standing on the stormy beach, and I’ll be the vicar’s wife, banished to a life inside an isolated seaside cottage.”

Julia giggled and stood, a bottle of energy water cradled in both hands. Her expression went theatrically solemn as her eyes glazed over. “I…am the Plague of Death,” she began, monotone. “I shall hold this brim’d beverage in my memory between my hands of fate. The silence, the loooooathing, the high fructose corn syrup.” Her arms stretched out to her sides. “Never spilling,” she went on, staring straight ahead, “never waking, the prisoner of my life preposterous.” She bowed her head and fell forward onto the bed, not spilling a drop.

“And the Oscar goes to…” I said, clapping.

“All right, I gotta study,” she said as she stood and walked to the door. Halfway there, she turned back. “Can I ask you something? And don’t be afraid to tell me to butt out.”

I rolled my eyes. “What is it, bunny?”

She tucked some hair behind an ear. “When was it? I mean, when did you start changing toward Henry?” I’m sure she caught the sting that crossed my face, but for once, she didn’t back down. “Was it before Washington? Before they moved away?”

I took in a few breaths, like I was psyching myself up to cannonball off the high dive. “Yes, it was before,” I answered. “Henry and I…we could…talk. I miss it.”

“Talking’s nice.”

“It’s all we did for months. Of course we debated, too.” I exhaled a soft laugh, remembering fondly. “But the arguing wasn’t genuine, it was more like—”

“Foreplay.” She winked and left the room.

Part IV

Summer

“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

From Pride & Prejudice

Chapter 30

“Time to hit the road,” Mel said, her head sticking out the passenger-side window of my Subaru.

I stared down at the large envelope in my hands, hovering outside the outgoing mailbox slot. The address of the house across the street from me at Stanford was written on the front.