totally true. “Yes. It made me feel like a freak. Like I should’ve been a guide or simply walked away. That there is something wrong with me for not going after the husband and the white-picket-fence bullshit.”
His fingers stilled. “Is that what you want?”
The magic was broken just like that. She opened her eyes and met his extraordinarily intense ones. “No.” She forced a laugh. “It’s not for me.” She slipped away from him.
He clearly looked like he didn’t believe her. “Lily.”
She barked out a short laugh. “I’m not that type of girl, Julian. I’ve never been.”
“What is that type of girl? Isn’t that what everyone wants underneath it all? Why wouldn’t you want more than the Sanctuary?”
“What more could I have?” She laughed at her own question. “Besides the fact I’ll outlive everything in this city if I don’t get snuffed out anytime soon, I have so much money I should be ashamed. I love my job. How many humans can say that?”
“How many humans want to live forever only having their job?” he countered evenly. “And is it really a job? Is it not your duty—an obligation?”
“It’s an obligation to a higher purpose!”
“I hate when you call it a higher purpose.” His lips curled. “Your higher purpose is killing indiscriminately, Lily. You’re told something is evil and not to question that, believing it all has a divine objective.”
Her muscles tensed, replacing the wonderfully relaxed feeling he had created only moments before. “First off, I don’t kill indiscriminately. Secondly, the things we are told are evil are, in fact, evil!”
“By your reasoning, that would make me evil. So where is your duty? Where is your higher purpose?” he countered.
She sputtered. “Oh, this is stupid. You’re not…like them. Okay? Happy I said it?” She threw up her hands. “But it doesn’t change that the vast majority of your kind are evil. You can’t deny that.”
Julian laughed harshly. “How convenient, as I am the only Fallen you’ve taken enough time to actually speak to before you shove a blade into my heart.”
“If I remember it correctly, I did shove a blade into you. Unfortunately, I experienced a rare act of bad aim,” she retorted, reveling in the red-hot anger.
His spine stiffened as the blue of his eyes heated. “You are a puppet of the Sanctuary. And you don’t even realize it.”
“A puppet—are you kidding me?” She leaned forward. “I don’t corrupt people! I don’t kill innocents!”
“Neither do I!” he roared.
If anything, Julian’s anger should have been a warning, but she was so beyond the point of caring. All the wild emotions he incited the night she had found Michael came to the surface. It was dizzying, heady, and powerful. This was, after all, his fault. It had nothing to do with the fact that anything he said could possibly be true. Not at all. “So what, you don’t do it now, but you did. Yet you judge me for being loyal to my duty—to the Sanctuary?”
“I’m not judging you, Lily.” He stepped toward her. “All I am saying is maybe there is more to the world than being a Nephilim and doing everything the Sanctuary tells you to do.”
“Uh, hello, the fact I hold a conversation with you is the exact opposite of what the Sanctuary tells me to do. So, buddy, I really don’t abide by all their rules.”
He let out a breath as he ran a hand through his hair. “I know. I shouldn’t have suggested that. Your acceptance of me is proof you don’t.”
She folded her arms and looked at him smugly.
“It doesn’t change how sadly misinformed you are about my kind. Yes, some of us are pure evil. So much so that even your great Nathaniel would piss his pants in their presence, but we all didn’t fall for the same reasons, and not all of us made the same choices. That’s where your Sanctuary is blind. And once they succeed in exterminating all of us, they will move on to your kind. You damn well know that is true.”
The words knocked the smile right off her face, even though she secretly believed the last part to be a hundred percent true, but that was neither here nor there. “I don’t even know why I’m having this conversation with you.”
“Because you know there is more to life than being a Nephilim.” His words were full of passion and belief. “That you deserve to be more than the Sanctuary’s killing machine, because eventually the Sanctuary will turn on you. When that happens, what do you have? Nothing, because your whole life has been this one thing!”
“What?” Startled, she took a step back. Something she rarely ever did. “Why am I even listening to you? What you’re saying makes no sense to me. You’re the enemy, Julian. Of course you would see it as me not having a life or whatever.”
He stared at her for a moment. “Of course you would see it that way. I don’t see you as Nephilim, and you don’t see me as a Fallen.” As he argued, the blue of his eyes deepened. “I see you as Lily. I see you for who you are, even though you don’t.”
“How do I see myself, Mr. I Know Fucking Everything?”
“You don’t see yourself at all. Not as Lily. You see yourself only as a Nephilim. What is your creed? To hunt down the Fallen, kill the minions, and protect your fellow Nephilim at all costs? Where is Lily in that?”
Whoa. Her face scrunched up. “What the hell is this? I know what and who I am.”
He looked doubtful. “Then tell me!”
His demand set off a chain reaction of events. Unable to face the harsh reality, she did the one thing she never did. “You know what, forget this.” Lily spun around and ran.
Well, tried to run was a better way of putting it. She made it to the ledge and was about to leap when Julian snagged her around the waist and hauled her to the ground. Part of her recognized what Julian was saying was correct, but the other part refused to acknowledge it.
He set her down, and she immediately made a bad decision in a string of bad decisions. She half pushed, half swung at him. He stepped to the side, and her momentum sent her stumbling past him. He tried to catch her once again, but she twisted and they both crashed to the dust-covered rooftop.
Pissed off and very aware of his hard body pressing down on hers, Lily immediately began pushing at him. “Get off me!”
Julian easily pinned her hands down beside her head. “I’ve followed you for eight years, Lily. I know you better than you know yourself. I have watched you make decision after decision. Besides the apartment, I have never seen you do one thing for yourself. Your entire being centers on the Sanctuary and your duty, while other Nephilim have a life outside their obligations. Where is your life?”
She shook her head frantically.
“Do you know what the Fallen call the Nephilim? We call your kind cannon fodder, and you were cannon fodder for the Sanctuary the night you went after Baal. You did so for the Sanctuary, and where were they when you lay there broken and near death? Did you make such a foolishly brave decision as Lily or as a Nephilim?”
“Stop this.” She didn’t want to hear it.
“Damn it, Lily, you are more than just a Nephilim. You are Lily.” His grip around her wrists loosened. “You will be fearless in battle, but the idea of wanting something for yourself terrifies you. What we have? It’s the first time you’ve allowed yourself to do what you’ve wanted simply because you wanted it. That terrifies you. I can see it every time you are around me. You fight what you want, and you’re scared the whole time. You’re afraid this makes you a bad Nephilim. Not a bad person, but a bad Nephilim.”
His words didn’t just startle her into submission; they shocked her to the core. The truth had never been so potent, so shattering. Her hands unclenched as her chest rose and fell raggedly.
The edges of his hair brushed her cheeks as he leaned in. “For eight years I’ve waited for you to realize that. I’ve waited for you to see yourself for who you really are. You’re Lily Marks, a beautiful, extremely clever woman whose capacity for compassion sets you apart from the Nephilim. It’s not your fighting skills or how good of a warrior you are. It’s the fact you look at me and see a man rather than a Fallen.
“Underneath all the duty and obligation is Lily. And do you know what you do to me?” he continued passionately. “Of all the people, Nephilim and humans alike, you’ve been the only one who has ever made me wish I was a man and not what I am. You did that—Lily, not the Nephilim.”
