“I knew he always had a thing for you, Lacey, but fuck, I trusted him, and I trusted you.”
“I know, War.” Tears stung my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
He turned his back to me. The line of his shoulders was stiff below the ends of his hair. “How long has it been going on?”
I sighed, but he deserved the truth. “Only the one time and it was me that’s to blame for it.”
His shoulders dropped but when he turned around, I powered on. “But it doesn’t really matter, does it?” My gaze slid from his and I looked out the window, watching slivers of orange peek through the gaps in the metal window blinds. The sun was finally setting on this disastrous day. And it was time to end this relationship that had gone on for far too long. I slid the ring off my finger and held it out to him. “Here. You and I both know this isn’t going to work anymore.”
His expression darkened. He looked away again. “Keep it.” His voice was gruff.
“No.” I shook my head. “Maybe you can get your money back.”
“Yeah.” His gaze sling-shotted back to me. “What about my heart that you’re ripping to shreds?” He took a step closer, eyes unmistakably glassy. “How am I gonna get that back?” His lips flattened. “Lacey, you almost died. I realized a lot of things while you were there in the ICU. Mostly how much you mean to me. I’m sorry about the Morris deal, and the way I handled the RCA thing. But I believe we can get past that if you’ll try. Let’s start again. There’s still time to work things out.”
My bottom lip trembled. This was the sweet side of War. The part of him that had stolen my heart as a teen. “We’re not kids anymore, Warren. It’s too late for do overs.” Warm tears of regret spilled onto my cheeks. What remained of this battered and bruised heart of mine would always belong to another and that wasn’t fair to War. I held out the ring. He reached out and closed my fingers around it.
“Keep it. To remember the good times.” He held my eyes for a moment shared sadness flowing wordlessly between us. He gave me a tight nod of acceptance before leaning down to kiss my forehead, a strand of his hair trailed through the wetness on my cheek as he straightened.
He paused in the doorway for a brief moment. “Goodbye, Lacey,” he whispered finally and disappeared.
When my eyes opened again, the room had fallen into shadow, silent except for the slow quiet beeping of the heart monitor. Scanning the room, I found a familiar figure slumped over in the chair. “Dizzy,” I croaked. My voice was so dry. He shifted, the leather of the lounger groaning beneath his weight, but he continued to snore. I swallowed and tried again. He opened his eyes and blinked the sleep away.
“You ok?” he asked, rising and crossing to my side.
The concern in his amber eyes made me determined to reassure him. “Not yet, but I will be,” I said with forced confidence.
He didn’t speak, but his expression softened and he covered my hand with his own.
“I really screwed up everything, Diz. You were right the other day about my life being out of control. I’ve been living on the edge for a while. It was only a matter of time before I fell off.”
“What are you going to do?”
I took in a fortifying breath. “It’s too deep a hole and too steep a climb to get out of as quickly as I’d like. I’m going to take it one step at a time.” I paused. “First step is rehab.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear that. I couldn’t stand to ever see you like that again. I love you.” He smoothed a hand over my hair. “I wish I had done things differently. When we moved in with Uncle Bruce I thought that you didn’t need protecting anymore. At least that’s what I told myself, so I wouldn’t feel guilty. I never should have …”
“Stop.” I put my hand on his arm. “You protected me when it mattered. Really. The mess I’m in right now is my own.”
His brow creased. “I want to help anyway I can.”
“I appreciate that.” I gave him a tentative smile. “But this is something I have to do for myself and if we’re being honest here I think you’ll admit that you’ve got issues of your own that need sorting through.”
His head lowered. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Mom really screwed us both up good,” I whispered.
28
Arm over my eyes, I lay in my bunk on the bus with the curtain pulled closed. Earbuds in, no music, just static. Endless purposeless white noise just like a life stretched out before me without her in it.
I hadn’t heard War come on board yet. I knew he was probably still out at the hospital with Lace. That’s where I would be if I was him.
The sound of her voice saying those words to him instead of me had been going through my brain on an endless loop. Baring my soul to her, exposing the ugly truth about the Morris deal, none of that had changed her mind. I’d always believed deep down that someday we would be together. I’d purposefully kept out of relationships or chosen ones destined to fail, hoping that one day she would be mine.
But now it looked like I was going to have to figure out how to move forward and start to live a real life without her. I turned over on my side and punched the pillow. Suddenly, the curtain on my bunk slid back.
Dizzy poked his spiky head into the gap. “You awake, man?”
“Yeah.” I pulled my earbuds out. “How is she?” I asked even though I knew I had no right, even though I knew I should cut the fucking cord already.
“She’s in a good place, all things considered,” Dizzy whispered. After a glance behind him, he continued. “Listen, why aren’t you answering your cell? She’s been trying to call you. She wants to talk to you before she gets transferred to the rehab facility.”
I shrugged, noncommittally.
“Are you gonna be ok?” Dizzy scratched his head as he studied me.
“Yeah, just too many hours awake I guess.”
“Alright. If you say so.” Dizzy didn’t look entirely convinced. “Here’s the number at the hospital anyway.” He handed me a piece of paper. The number on it was in her handwriting. “Call her, ok? She really wants to talk to you.”
Without waiting for a response, Dizzy slid the curtain back into place and once more I was alone with only my thoughts to torture me. I flipped onto my back and stared without blinking at the silver ceiling of the bus for so long my vision blurred. I wanted to hear that beautiful voice of hers, but what would that accomplish? What was left for her to say? Nothing I wanted to hear, I was sure.
I crumpled the note in my fist and tossed it at my feet.
I stared out the window, watching the sunrise above the clipped hedge that lined the perimeter of Second Chances. Outside I could hear the fountain softly gurgling, but inside a torrent of conflicting emotions raged within me. I’d been able to keep my mind occupied while I filled out reams of admission paperwork, met the staff and been shown to my quarters. But now I was alone, overwhelmed, and adrift. I longed for a shot of something to numb the pain. It would be so much easier to escape into the drugs than to face what lay before me.
Why hadn’t he called? I’d delayed the transfer for over an hour hoping to hear something from him.
Because now wasn’t a backup plan.
There was no one waiting in the wings to help. The one I’d always counted on to catch me when I fell was ominously absent and silent.
And I had no one to blame but myself. I’d pushed him away one too many times. I sank back onto the
