Crashing Back Down

bed.

Candice leaned over, putting her elbows on her knees, clasping her hands together. She looked deeply into my eyes. “Mags, I do not feel that living alone is in your best interest right now. Would you consider moving in with someone or having someone live with you?”

“I’d never thought about something like that before. I don’t have to worry about paying my bills. I make plenty of money, so I never needed a roommate. Do you really think it would help?” My face twisted with confusion, making my brow crease. I didn’t like the idea of having to share my space with someone else.

I finally agreed that I should, at least, consider having someone move in with me. I had made it quite clear there was no way I was going to move out of my home. I had become too attached, and there was frankly no way I could stomach selling my home now.

We shifted gears one more time before the end of the session, talking about a happy memory that shot through my mind, begging to spill out.  It was one night that always warmed my heart, and I loved telling the story to anyone who would listen. After Randy’s death, it barely crossed my mind, but right when the words dripped from my tongue, warmth and love spread over my body, relaxing me as I melted into the memories.

Being in a sorority during college, Cali and I attended what was called chapter. Every Sunday evening, we had a meeting to discuss different things going on at school, with our philanthropy, and within our chapter. This particular night was pretty boring, all the way up until the end. Cali and I kept nodding off through droning minutes and various motions about how our grades needed to start improving, and how nationals was closing down a chapter at some college in the Midwest none of us had ever heard of.

At the end of the meeting, our president, a skinny, tall redhead named Mackie Gerhardt, announced there was going to be a circle that evening. Instantly the buzz of whispers bounced off the walls in the chapter room. Everyone was wondering who it could be for. Cali and I looked at each other with puzzled grins, trying to figure it out ourselves.

A circle was held at the end of the chapter to honor a sister that had just been given a promise ring, gotten engaged, or was given her fraternity boyfriend’s letters on a necklace called a lavaliere. There was a candle lit and we would pass it around the circle of sisters, singing. When the song was over, the girl who it was for would blow out the candle. The best part about all of it was the president and the woman of honor were the only ones who knew, so it was always a big surprise. After the sister revealed herself, she would get into the middle of the circle and tell us how her beau gave the new shiny piece of jewelry to her. It was always heart warming and a great chance for girls to try to one-up each other.

We all gathered around, started to sing, and passed the candle around the room. The song kept going and everyone was anxiously anticipating who it was going to be for. We knew from the song that one of our sisters had gotten a lavaliere, but we kept singing away and no one was claiming their candle.

Suddenly, the doors to our chapter room swung open, and Randy was standing in the doorway smiling. My heart jumped. He coolly walked over to Michelle, my sister about ten girls down from me who was still holding the candle. Taking it from her, Randy winked at her quickly, and brought the candle to me. He held it up and whispered, “Blow it out, baby!” I did, and he kissed me softly on the forehead as tears started to pool in my eyes. Randy then reached into his pocket, pulled out a thin silver necklace with his fraternity letters glistening in the light. Tears of surprise and excitement streamed down my cheeks as he put the necklace around my neck, and my entire body shook. Smiling down at me, Randy wiped the tears from my cheeks and told me he would love me forever. All of the girls were giggling and excitedly whispering about how sweet Randy was.

When my story was finished, I felt Candice shove a tissue into my hand, then I heard her blow her nose. “That really is a beautiful memory.” Her eyes were wet, but she had a soft grin on her lips.

“Yeah, he really was something else.” I tried to turn the corners of my lips up, but failed miserably, wiping the tears from my cheeks, chin and chest.

“Well, Mags, I will see you next week. I think we can call this session a success.”

I waved at her as I made my way to Randy’s old truck. I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, decompressing from my emotional roller coaster ride. My mind went over all of the points from our session, and I thought maybe I should start taking notes too. Smiling widely, seeing Randy’s kind eyes with that stupid candle in his hands, gave me a wonderful warm feeling that lasted all the way to my front door. Turning the key to my house, I paused. Who the hell am I going to be able to talk into moving in with a complete fucking basket case like me?

10

I climbed onto my couch, glass of Pinot Noir in hand, replaying my conversation with Candice again. How could she think she knows how I am at home? How could she tell me I shouldn’t be alone? Maybe she's right. The house was intolerable to be in; it almost felt hollow, just like the pit of my stomach. The feeling of helplessness washed over me, settling in, becoming overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  I melted into a puddle of tears and wine, throwing yet another pity party for myself. There wasn’t a handbook given to me at Randy’s funeral. Being the widow of a soldier was something I was not prepared to be, especially so young.

Flicking on the TV for some white noise, I forced myself not to think about what my plan was going to be. There’s always tomorrow. I sighed, and curled up in the fluffy comfort of my peach- colored throw. I rounded off my forced relaxation by topping off my wine glass, a TV dinner of lasagna, and an overly girlie romantic comedy.

Throughout the next day at work, I was thankful for the craziness of my workload. My desk was piled high with unemployment documents I had to sort through. I gladly dove into the sea of papers, getting as much done as possible. The distraction from my life outside the hospital was a welcome vacation for my mind every day. But, sadly, all good things come to an end and five o’clock came before I knew it.

Sitting in the parking lot, not really ready to start driving, I was too lost in thought about the solution to my predicament. I knew it was in my best interest to at least try to find a roommate, but wasn’t sure who could put up with me, or I them, day in and day out. Then, a light bulb went off as I started the old ford engine, Walker! I grinned a little. It’s perfect! He was just as lonely as I was, and one of my best friends. I would have asked Cali, but she was married and we tried to live together during college. It didn’t go very well. I was actually shocked Cali and I were still close after our roommate-hood crumbled into a pit of drama.

Without thinking through my little epiphany, my phone was dialing Walker, and I heard his deep southern voice on the other end. For some reason a smile burst across my face as I heard his drawl. 'Hey Mags, how's it going?'

I could hear he was smiling too. I wondered if it was me who made that happen, and the thought flushed my cheeks.

'Walker, I have a question.' My heart started pounding, but I made myself shake off the nerves fluttering through me. Feeling this way while talking to Walker recently was still confusing and I paused, second guessing if this was a good idea or not. Not letting myself change the subject, I continued the conversation as planned. I dove right into how my therapist‘s suggestion and how I couldn’t think of anyone who would ever want to live with a basket case like me.

Not even letting me get to asking, in a warm tone, Walker answered, 'Of course I'll move in and help your crackpot-self get back on track. Honestly, I could probably use the company myself. As long as you treat me better than you did Cal, I don’t know if my skin is as tough as y’all’s.”

I was practically giddy with relief. 'Wow, that’s a load off. Want to come over later and hammer out the details?' We made plans for eight, and with that, I felt like a little bit of a weight had been lifted.

As I put the Ford in drive, I stopped myself from doubting the hasty decision I’d just made. How bad could it really be? It really was going to be nice to have a guy around the house again. I needed to figure something out, anyway. The limbo that had been consuming my life lately needed to be shaken up. Pulling into my driveway, I resolved to making the best of this, and that my therapist had to know best. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but be apprehensive about sharing my personal space, but it wasn’t like Walker would