Crashing Back Down

the party. He spun around quickly, “Hey, Mags?”

Halfway into the driver’s seat, I called back to him, “Yeah? What’s up?”

He shyly grinned and trotted over to my side, shoving a piece of paper in my hand.  “Make sure Cali calls me. OK?”

I gave him a quick nod. “Yeah, for sure. Thanks for everything Maverick!”

He gave me a quick wave and headed back into the hotel as I opened the crumbled loose leaf to read:

Cali, tonight was amazing.  Don’t let that annoying twat piss on you like that! You’re too beautiful and kind for that. Call me!

-Maverick

I smiled over at my best friend, her head leaning against my window, a little bit of drool escaping from the corner of her mouth. This was a crazy ass night. I slid the paper into her handbag and pulled out of the valet section of the hotel. The whole ride back home, Cali dozed and snored while I jammed out to the radio. Once we pulled into the driveway, I was able to shake her awake enough for me to help her into the house and up into my bed. I remembered the last time she slept over and did not want to suffer her wrath again for holding out on her.

I changed Cali into some of my pajamas and slid under the covers next to her, and in her half sleeping voice, she muttered, “Love youuuu,” and was out for the night. A huge smile spread over my face as I tucked her in a little bit tighter.

Before turning out the light, I rattled off a quick text to Walker, kind of surprised I hadn’t heard from him all day.

Just got back from an insane adventure with Cali. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow and have my fish dinner. Night.

There was no reply while I sat up and watched mindless infomercials until I finally fell asleep from the sheer exhaustion of our crazy day.

26

In the morning, Cali and I woke up at the same time. We lazily cuddled in bed for awhile, talking about her game plan for when Kyle came home later on that day.

“But, what if he refuses to leave?” I knew it was an odd question but it had been bugging me. I pictured myself having to go over to her house and beat up a freaking cop so he would leave my best friend alone.

“He’ll leave. Once he knows, I’m sure it will be a relief for him to be rid of me and the burden.” She punched her pillow a few times, exaggeratedly groaning. “I’m going to head home and get his shit packed up so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.”

I offered to go and help, but she declined, claiming that it was going to be her therapy session and needed to break things and cry alone. I understood, and knew that if it got rough or if she needed me, she would call this time; I made her promise.

After Cali left, I sulked around the house for a while until my boredom took total control in Walker’s absence. Waking up without him on a Sunday morning used to be my only option. But I had become accustomed to having company, and warmth was starting to fill the emptiness again. I got out of my pajamas and made a little breakfast, deciding to clean the house up a bit.

Since Walker really didn’t use his room anymore, I started in there and began to make it back into the guest room it used to be. I got the vacuum out of the hall closet and dragged it into the room. I collected all of Walker’s clothes out of the drawers and closet, and made room for them in mine, stripped the bed, put new sheets on and then began to vacuum. After passing the vacuum a few times under the bed, I felt it hit something light.

I got down onto the floor and found a journal with Walker’s name engraved in the leather on the front. I sat on the freshly made bed, trying to convince myself to be respectful of Walker’s privacy.

My concentration was broken when my cell vibrated in my pocket. There was a text from Walker shining on the screen:

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, no service. We’ll be home in about four hours, maybe a little more. Can’t wait to see you too!

I wrote a quick message back:

OK see you soon, drive safe

When my screen went black, I went against my better judgment and let curiosity get the better of me. I flipped the front cover open and read the date on the top of the first passage, realizing that Walker started it the day he and Randy got deployed. My heart started pounding and I skimmed through the pages until I found the day Randy died. Terror came over me as I read the passage of a story I was never supposed to read:

Today the biggest mistake happened and I don’t know how I am fucking going to live with it. The plan completely went to hell. I am the one that was supposed to fucking be dead, not him. Randy and Mags were supposed to live happily ever after with me out of the picture, not seeing it any more. But now I am here stuck in this torturous hell of guilt, longing and shame. How will I ever look into her eyes again? She loves him, not me and that’s how it was supposed to be. Fuck! Why did he have to grab my chute?

Once I finished reading the entry, I froze. And then puked right where I stood as what had just been revealed ripped through my heart. I fell onto all fours, sobbing and shaking. I grabbed my phone off the bed to see what time it was, realizing Walker would be home soon. I rallied all of my strength and forced myself to stand. Suddenly, adrenalin kicked me hard, forcing me into a fight or flight mode.

I flew down the stairs and started to rip the daisies apart, tearing through them, screaming and crying. I kicked the vases everywhere, letting the glass fly, crashing and shattering. Water and flower petals flowed around my tile floor in the kitchen and I fell to my knees feeling the sharp shards piercing my skin and watched as little wisps of crimson ran away from my body in the water.

I knelt there, sobbing onto the cover of the journal, still clenched in my fist when my phone vibrated again with another text:

Be home in five.

Panic started rising up through my whole body. What am I going to do? Who do I call?  I ran to my room and dialed Cali’s number. “Hi, Mags! How’re you?”

Her voice stung my ears, making me choke out the only words I can. “Walker killed Randy. It was an accident, but it’s his fucking fault. Walker will be home any minute.” Without another word I hung up on Cali, not knowing what else to tell her.

I tried to stay calm. I sat on my bed, the journal in one hand, trembling, still wet and bloody from the floor of my kitchen. I hid my cell under my mattress. I wanted to be able to get to it if I had to. My mind flashed to Randy’s sweet face and then to Walker’s. I could not even start to wrap my head around what I had just discovered. There is no way that Walker could have done that. He loved Randy just as much as I did. They were like brothers. How does this happen?

The pain was sharp in my stomach. The words of the passage ran through my mind over and over and it all clicked. Walker wanted to be with me, but knew I loved Randy, not him. Walker did it because he couldn’t be with me and couldn’t live without me. Walker tampered with his own parachute, but Randy got it by mistake. And it is my fault entirely.

With these thoughts washing over me, I had to run to the bathroom. Everything was far too overwhelming