I hadn’t even thought far enough ahead to realize that without my parent’s financial support, I was going to have to live off my waitress tips. Yikes. I thought I would be okay, but what did I really know? I’d always had a backup bank in my father. “I’m not your problem, Riley. I’ll just pick up more hours at work to help pay for stuff.”
“You’re not my problem, you’re my girlfriend. We’re in it together, Jess.”
I nodded, throat tight.
“I have to tell you, I’m not even sure I totally get what it is you did to deserve being kicked out. It’s not like you filmed a porno.”
Now there was an image. “There’s still time,” I said, because I was exhausted. I just wanted to snuggle on the couch with Riley and watch stupid YouTube videos, and I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore.
He got the hint. “I do have porn star gonads, I must say.”
I laughed. “Gross. I don’t even want to know what constitutes porn star, you know.” The word gonads made me squeamish.
“I don’t either, to tell you the truth,” he admitted. “But let me assure you, my nuts are class A.”
“I’m reassured, thanks. Of course, I do find it ironic that my father is worried about my salvation but he thinks you’re just awesome.” I didn’t blame Riley for that, but I did find it frustrating as hell.
“He didn’t say that. And he’s never heard me swear or seen me kick a wall. I’m sure if he knew the full story he’d be praying for me, too.”
I sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, I think it does matter. Plus I owe you an apology. I thought you were exaggerating about your parents, but you weren’t.”
“Thanks.” There was more I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure how to articulate my feelings. “They’re not bad parents,” I said, because they weren’t. They wanted what was best for me, I knew that. They just thought their way was what was best for me.
“No, of course not,” he agreed. “Everyone makes mistakes and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing. We just take it one day at a time. Hopefully Easton will remember that when he’s thirty and in therapy.”
“Easton is probably going to grow up to be the most normal of all of us.”
Riley laughed. “We can only hope.”
When we got back and went into the house, Tyler was playing video games with Easton. “How did it go? I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”
Riley just shook his head, carrying one of my boxes. He started back towards the bedroom.
“I’m your new permanent roomie,” I told Tyler. “I’ll try not to hog the bathroom.”
“Shit, it didn’t go so good, huh?”
“Nope.”
“You’re moving in?” Easton asked, glancing up from his controller.
“Yes.”
He made a face of disgust.
Fabulous.
“I wish it was Rory instead,” he said.
Now that hurt. I blinked hard, feeling tears fill my eyes. So I didn’t really belong or fit in here either. Rory was the preferred girlfriend.
“Hey! That was really rude,” Tyler told him, shoving Easton’s knee. “Say you’re sorry.”
He shrugged like he didn’t know why it mattered. “Sorry.”
Yeah, that was believable. I set my box down and fast-walked out the front door to the car for another box. Riley came into the living room as I was leaving.
“What did you guys say to her?” he asked them in an accusing tone.
I didn’t wait for the answer. I just strode down the driveway, just in time to see a guy stealing my vacuum out of Riley’s open car.
“Hey! Drop the fucking vacuum or I will hurt you,” I screamed. It was a bit melodramatic for a twenty-dollar Dirt Devil, but I was not in the mood. Besides, I was broke now.
Apparently I looked scary enough that he eyed me and ditched it in the grass. He was about sixteen and skinny, dark circles under his eyes. I took a step toward him and he ran. I chased him, screaming at the top of my lungs the whole time.
Riley and Tyler came tearing out of the house. “What the fuck?” Riley shouted. “Jessica, stop chasing him!”
Considering we were actually just running in circles around the car, it did seem pointless. I came to a stop, breathing hard. “He tried to steal my vacuum.”
I saw Riley and Tyler exchange a look, both clearly trying not to laugh.
“David, go home before I beat your ass,” Tyler told the guy.
“He lives next door,” Riley explained.
“Your bitch is crazy,” David said, shaking his head.
“That’s right,” I told him. “Batshit crazy. So stay out of our yard.”
Feeling like I might cry, and not wanting to lose it in front of an audience, I leaned in the car and grabbed another box, ignoring everyone as I carried it into the house with as much dignity as I could manage on a day like I was having.
“That was cool,” Jayden told me when I shifted past him in the doorway. “You’re a baller.”
Awesome. “Thanks.”
“I guess I’m not the only one with a temper,” I heard Riley say. “The only thing that would have been better would have been if she had tackled him. I would have paid money to see that.”
“You don’t have any money!” I yelled over my shoulder.
Riley laughed.
I stayed up later than I should have, but I was edgy, anxious. Riley was already asleep when I came to bed, climbing up the waterbed from the bottom so I wouldn’t disturb him. I had been staring at the TV for the last two hours and texting with Rory, though I didn’t tell her about my parents. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’d never been one who dealt with stuff by discussing it endlessly.
Riley stirred. “You okay?” he murmured.
“Yeah.” I was pretty sure I was okay, even though I felt agitated. That was normal, I would guess, when your whole world has changed. I had thought about not going to school, about seeing all my friends studying and going to class with their backpacks and me not being a part of that. About working at the restaurant an extra two or three shifts to pay the bills. About the fact that I didn’t even know what “the bills” constituted.
But mostly I had thought about me, my choices, and what I would do differently. Not from a place of regret or guilt, but an analytical viewpoint. But it was like a squirrel with a nut—I kept turning it all around and around and I couldn’t figure out how to crack the code on how to please everyone. If I made myself over to please my parents, I was miserable. If I apologized for being sexually active, then I insulted the choice of women to be in control of their bodies and I insulted myself. Maybe my dad was right—maybe I was trying to be a Christian on my own terms, but wasn’t that what being twenty years old was about? Figuring out what I believed, what my opinions were?
I couldn’t please everyone, there was no way to do that. But I could please myself.
That was my conclusion, and I knew what pleased me. Having the freedom to make my own mistakes, to learn, to grow, to become a better person. Being here, in this house, with this guy, pleased me. My friendships pleased me. My hoodie made me happy. It was all the simplest of things that mattered, and the future didn’t have to be decided tonight.
“Go back to sleep,” I said, slipping under the sheet and peeling off my T-shirt.
He rolled over and kissed my bare shoulder. “Mm. Sorry today was so rough.”
“Thanks. Thanks for being there.”
The air-conditioning unit hummed and I kept one leg outside of the sheet.
“So what
“What?” I frowned in the dark, not sure what he was talking about.
