The Lair

things would have shaken out differently. Six weeks from now, I don’t want to be having this same conversation with myself. I’m done keeping things from you because I’m trying to protect you.”

He paused like he was waiting for her to say something.

So she nodded, even though her gut told her she wouldn’t like where this was going. “Okay.”

“This isn’t working.”

That queasy feeling in her gut coalesced into dread. “Okay,” she repeated numbly, even though it was not okay.

“I don’t see how I can do this anymore. I can’t—” He broke off, turning away from her so she couldn’t read his expression at all. “Look, I know you expect me to be this great leader of the rebellion or something. But I can’t do that. I can’t be that guy and be your guy. I can’t do both. It’s not fair. Not to anyone. I’m fundamentally not okay sending you into dangerous situations.”

“Carter, I can take—”

“Don’t tell me you can take care of yourself. I know that.” He plowed his hand through his hair. “Jesus, you think I don’t know that? You handled yourself better than Jacks or Stu. You took care of it. I’m not saying you didn’t. You handled things a hell of a lot better than I did. That’s the problem. Don’t you get it?”

“No,” she answered honestly. Because she didn’t get what he was saying at all. “What’s the problem?”

“I fucked up.”

She wanted to disagree. He hadn’t messed up. He’d made a tough call in a tough situation. He’d done the best he could. No one would ask more than that.

“I will continue to eff up anytime you’re in danger. It’s that simple. You said it yourself. I effed up big time with Armadale. If his kid hadn’t been there . . .” Carter broke off, shaking his head. “When I saw that he’d shot you, I lost it. If his kid hadn’t been there, I might have beaten him senseless.”

“But his kid was there.”

“You think that makes me feel better?”

Her throat tightened. There were a hundred things she wanted to say but none of them were right. So she just sat there, swallowing her fear and her yearning, just like she swallowed the nausea churning in her stomach.

He must have realized she didn’t have an answer, because he stopped waiting for one. “That’s what kills me about this, Lily. Everybody expects me to be the leader of this rebellion, but I don’t have the head for it. When it comes to shit like this, I’m never going to make the right decision. When you’re in danger, I’m never going to be able to think rationally about whether or not the guy holding a gun on you is a potential ally. I’m never going to be able to stop and think it through.”

She turned to face him in the cab of the truck. “That’s only because you’re thinking about it wrong. You just haven’t gotten used to the idea that I’m not an abductura. You spent so long thinking that I was special. That I was important. More important than anyone else. You just haven’t adjusted yet to the idea that I’m not.”

He gave her a look hot enough to steam the windows in the cab. “Is that what you think? That you’re not important now? Just because you’re not an abductura?”

“I’m not important—at least, no more than anyone else. I’m just another Green.”

“You will always be important to me.”

“No, Carter, you just think that because—”

“Damn it, Lily, when are you going to get it? I care about you. Not because of what you can do for the rebellion. Not because of what Mel may or may not have made me feel. But because you’re you. Because I need you. Because you’re smart and you make me think about things I would never think about on my own. Like using Armadale to our advantage instead of beating the shit out of him. I never would have thought of that on my own.”

“On your own, you wouldn’t have been in that position in the first place.”

Even though he didn’t agree with her, she knew she was right.

She just didn’t know what to say about it, let alone what to do.

But no. She did know. There was an obvious solution. She just didn’t like it. “I think maybe we should break up.”

To her surprise, Carter tipped back his head and laughed. The sound was amused and pained and bitter. It made her ache and broke her heart all at the same time.

“You think that would do any good? You think some label is going to make me not care about you?”

Good point. She didn’t want him in danger any more than he wanted her in danger. That would never change.

She hated this feeling of helplessness. Hated knowing that she was bad for him. No matter what else he thought or said, the rebellion needed him. He was the only person everyone trusted enough to lead. And the simple truth was that she was in his way. She made his job harder. Her being here made everything worse.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Carter

We drove for a while in total silence. I stared mindlessly out the front window. Lily stared out the side window. I could tell from the way she toyed with the fabric of her hoodie’s sleeve that her arm was bugging her. She wouldn’t want me to notice, but I’d had plenty of wounds myself. With a close call like that, you were tempted to poke at it. To reassure yourself that it wasn’t as bad as it might have been.

Hell, it was all I could do not to demand she rip off the bandage and show me Dawn’s sutures. I had been in the room when Dawn had cleaned the wound and started stitching it up. Hell, I knew it wasn’t bad. But I wanted to see it. To assure myself.

But I didn’t touch her. I didn’t even talk to her.

What was left to say?

We might have driven all the way back to Base Camp in silence, except the satellite phone rang.

The sat phone ringing wasn’t anything to take lightly. Only a handful of people even had phones, let alone the number to this one. Sebastian had a phone. Base Camp had five others: two that stayed at camp, two that went out with teams that worked the Farms, and one that was used on food raids. The phones were a luxury item. No one would use one if it wasn’t an emergency.

When it started ringing, Lily just looked mutely at the duffle bag holding all the food-raid supplies—the sat phone included.

“Pick it up,” I told her.

She dug through the bag with her good arm, and found the phone only to stare at it for a second before fumbling to answer it. She pressed the phone to her ear. “Hello?”

The expression on her face as she listened said it all. Hell, the fact that anyone had called at all said it all.

I slowed the truck to a stop and set the brake, anxiety churning in my gut. Lily met my gaze as she handed me the phone. For just a second, she cradled my hand in hers.

“Tell me.” Hearing it from her would buy me at least a few seconds to process whatever happened before I had to talk to whoever was on the other end of the line.

Her eyes were wide with shock and fear made her voice tremble. “Base Camp was hit.”

“Gun-toting psychopaths?” I didn’t really believe that’s who it was, but at least if the attackers where human, Base Camp might have had a chance.

But Lily shook her head. “Ticks. They attacked an hour ago.”

“During the daylight?”

“It wasn’t a full pack. Just three.”

“Casualties?”

“Thirteen. Two Elites and eleven Greens. They were cooking lunch out in the yard. The Ticks got nearly