He frowned, but nodded.
She thought back to when she and Mel were on the Farm and she hadn’t been sure if she could get them out. Back when she had sole responsibility for keeping herself and Mel alive. Back when things seemed really bad.
That was nothing compared to this.
Mel had known how to take care of herself. She’d had her own thoughts and ideas. Sometimes that made her a pain in the ass, but other times, her ideas were better than Lily’s.
But Josie? Josie was really, truly, one hundred percent dependent on her. For everything.
She didn’t know how long a baby could go without starving to death, but it couldn’t be very long. They needed to find food, and they needed to do it soon.
The sun would be up within the hour. The Ticks would nest down for the day. When that happened, they would have to start scouring stores and homes and anywhere else they could find food and supplies. Slowly, she noticed the sky lightening on Ely’s side of the car.
“We’re still heading south,” Lily said.
“Yeah.”
“Do you have any idea where we even are?”
“I figure somewhere in the panhandle.”
She laughed then. “We’re in Texas?”
“Yeah. You got any better ideas?”
She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to ask him to turn the car around and take her back to Carter. But she couldn’t do that. Her reasons for staying away were the same as her reasons for leaving in the first place.
“No,” she said. “It’s just that I worked pretty damn hard to get out of Texas. But I can’t go back to Base Camp. Not after I lost McKenna.”
“You
She shot an annoyed look at him. “No, I don’t.”
“You do. It’s pathetic. You didn’t lose McKenna. She bled out. That happens, and you happened to be there. That doesn’t make it your fault.”
“I could have—”
“What? What could you have done? A doctor, in a hospital, with tons of support staff and maybe she could have made it.”
“But—”
“No. There’s no ‘but’ to that. You can’t save everyone. Get over it.”
She clamped her mouth closed and didn’t say anything else. She wasn’t going to argue with him. Ely liked to pick fights and she wasn’t in the mood. Maybe he was right. Maybe there was nothing she could have done anyway.
After a moment, he added in a gentler voice, “Look, I didn’t mean—” He jammed his hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean you shouldn’t mourn her. And I’m sorry I made you leave. It was the right call. I did what I had to do.”
“She was my friend and she trusted me to keep her safe. Now she’s dead. That’s not something I’m going to just get over.”
He was silent for a minute and when he spoke again, his voice was softer than she’d ever heard it. “No. I don’t guess you will. Losing someone like that. You don’t get over that. Probably ever. But even though she was your friend, she didn’t expect you to take care of her. You didn’t let her down. This wasn’t your fault any more than it was hers or mine. Things just happen. Just don’t blame yourself, okay?”
She nodded, pretending to consider his words. He was probably even right. But the truth was that she was too damn tired to even think beyond her crushing grief. There would be plenty of time for her to wrestle with her guilt later.
Nestled in Lily’s lap, Josie’s eyes were drifting closed, and her own eyelids felt heavy. The steady rhythm of the wheels on the asphalt lulled her to drowsiness. She hadn’t intended to sleep. She’d planned on staying awake to help Ely look for somewhere they could stop to search for baby formula, but before she knew it, her eyes were closing. She would have to trust that Ely would wake her up when there was somewhere to look. Trust had never come easy for her, but sometimes, you just didn’t have much choice.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Carter
I should have known it wasn’t going to be easy. It’s never easy.
“Why should we trust you?”
Wilson and Trinia stood shoulder to shoulder glaring at me with equal expressions of animosity, but it was Trinia who had spoken.
I had sent Zeke out to find Trinia and Wilson the night before, but he hadn’t found them until the next morning. Thankfully, I’d at least gotten my whole crew in before dusk. That was the only thing that had gone right. Unfortunately, by the time Zeke actually found Trinia and Wilson around noon the next day, he brought them to the Dean’s office, where I’d set up command. So to them, it looked as though I was nothing but some random Collab who had taken over in the Dean’s absence. Despite Pit Bull’s claims that I had the reputation of a superhero, they were clearly suspicious.
“You don’t have to trust me,” I told them. Except, they did have to trust me; this plan of mine wouldn’t work if they didn’t. “You’re not idiots. You must have noticed things are going to hell here.”
Wilson and Trinia exchanged a look. They obviously knew each other well enough that they were able to have a whole mini-conversation with their eyes.
“Look, I’m not a Collab. I came here to help. Here’s the situation as I know it: your Dean has pulled out. You’ve got a Farm here of roughly a thousand Greens and around twenty-five Collabs holding it together. As far as I know, there’s a plan in place to bring the fences down and let the Ticks have you, because the powers that be think it’ll make the Ticks easier to kill. Either you believe me or not. Either you let us help you or not. Your choice.”
They still looked unconvinced. I wasn’t even sure I blamed them.
But, frankly, I didn’t have time for this.
I marched over to the door and stuck my head out. “Hey, Zeke.”
Zeke looked up then hopped to his feet. “Yeah?”
“You said there was another guy. Joe. Where is he?”
“I don’t know.”
“Find him. I want to—”
“Preacher Joe is—” Trinia started to say, but then she broke off when I whirled around toward her.
“Preacher Joe?”
“Yeah. That’s what we call him. He’s . . .” She wrinkled her nose, not in distaste, but more in confusion. “He’s started up a church, I guess. People meet in one of the lecture halls and listen to him.”
“What does he preach about?”
“Hope,” Wilson said simply.
Could Preacher Joe be the Joe I’d known? When I’d met him at Lily’s Farm, Joe had been known as Stoner Joe. He’d set up a shop of sorts where people came in and traded for things they wanted or needed. Joe had been an easygoing guy who was hard not to like, but he’d also been fiercely devoted to McKenna and their baby. He’d been a good guy. He’d also been one of the few people I’d met since the Before who still held out hope that there might be a God somewhere who gave a damn about humanity.
Had Stoner Joe turned into Preacher Joe? Stranger things had happened.
