“This is about that couple, isn’t it?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have realized they’d be there and mentioned them to you. When I saw them the first time, I should have said something.”
“Who are they?” She reached up and smoothed her hands over my hair. I hadn’t realized I’d been pulling at it.
“After Melanie and I split,” I said. “Well, after I broke it off with her, I dove back into the scene hard-core. I hadn’t played in more than six months. I was anxious to get back.”
She nodded. “I can understand that.”
“Gwen and I met at a party. Gwen’s the woman with Nicolas,” I said. “I never collared her. We never made it past the test weekend.”
“Why?”
“She needed more than I could give.”
She tilted her head. “Like Melanie?”
“No,” I said, then whispered, “More pain.”
I felt guilty remembering how Jackson asked me if I knew of any available women my first weekend with Abby and how I’d joked with myself about giving him her name.
“Oh,” she replied in her own whisper.
“Everything with her was always
She nodded. “And Nicolas?”
“Obviously gives her what she wants,” I said. “Which is fine. He’s an asshole, but he’s not abusive. His remark about playing with you was inappropriate, however. I’ll think about how to handle that later.”
She snorted. “I’d agree with you on the asshole part.”
“I’d like for us to talk later about when play borders on or becomes abuse,” I said. “I think it’s an important topic.” I thought for a second. “Maybe have an open-forum-type discussion at the next meeting.”
“You mean when someone asks for something that’s dangerous?” she asked. “Is that what Gwen did to you?”
“She didn’t ask for anything dangerous,” I said. “Just more than I was comfortable doing. Which is why it’s important to know your limits, both as a dom and as a submissive. I knew how far I was willing to go. I don’t so much see it as failing with her. We were just incompatible. I should have known it wouldn’t work out. I gave more stringent guidelines to Godwin after Gwen.”
“But seeing me standing next to Nicolas?”
I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “Yes. I think it was what he said: ‘When you can’t be what she needs either.’”
“Oh, Nathaniel.”
“I think it just played upon my old fears,” I said. “Made me upset, and I couldn’t get into the frame of mind I need to be in to play.”
“You didn’t actually think I’d leave you for Nicolas?”
“Hell, no. That never once occurred to me.” I smiled for the first time in hours. “Progress, yes?”
“I’ll say,” she said. She smiled so big I couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her. “Mmm,” she said. “What was that for?”
“For loving me,” I said. “For putting up with me. For trusting me.” I pulled back, feeling a little better since we’d talked about everything. “I should never have told you to go into the playroom.”
“You stopped though,” she said. “You didn’t let it progress.”
“I let it progress enough, and for that I’m sorry.”
“You gave me safe words for a reason. Now I see why.”
“Why did you
“Everything felt off,” she said. “Not quite right after the party. Then, when I recognized it was a different flogger and it felt harder, I just needed to slow everything down. Get to where I needed to be.”
I stroked her back, reached down to cup her bottom. “Did I hurt you? Are you sore?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Promise.”
“I love you,” I said, just needing to say the words.
“And I love you,” she replied, probably knowing how much I needed to hear the words.
“So, Gwen?”
“What about her?”
“You two played?”
I shrugged. “Not for long, but yes. Does it make you uncomfortable seeing submissives I’ve played with?”
She wrinkled her brow in concentration. “It’s weird, but not uncomfortable. I know you had submissives before me.”
“That’s different from seeing them.”
“Yes, but it’s still the same. I know your past. I love your past, actually. It’s what made you, you.” She took my face between her hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “And you, all of you, past, present, everything, are the man I love.”
I held her gaze. “You may not have been my first submissive,” I said. “But I swear by all I hold holy, you’ll be my last.”
She leaned close, preparing to kiss me. “I’d better be.”
Her lips were soft and gentle on mine.
Exactly what I needed.
—ABBY—
As he worked the rope around my upper left leg, I thought back over the last few weeks and what had happened since the night we both safe worded.
He’d refused to recollar me that night. Instead, we went to bed and slept wrapped in each other’s arms. I still recalled the way I drifted off to sleep with his leg draped almost protectively across my thigh. The next morning, we talked more about Gwen and Nicolas and even Mary. By midmorning, we both felt calmer and more relaxed, so we agreed together that I would wear his collar for the rest of the day.
I felt more connected with him after that night. I’d known, of course, that he would slow down or stop if I safe worded, but somehow experiencing it reconfirmed just how much I could trust him. He said the situation did the same for him, that he felt better knowing I would safe word if I needed.
I went to the submissives group meeting, and Jonah was quick to introduce me around. In addition to the lifestyle knowledge I gained, I was surprised by the different feelings I had toward some members of the group.
Jonah was like my older brother, laughing and cutting up at times, protective and supportive at others. As one of the more experienced members, he was looked up to by everyone. I quickly learned that he and his mistress were both highly regarded in the community.
Nicolas’s actions had not gone unnoticed the night of the party, and according to Jonah, he had been asked to leave shortly after Nathaniel and I left and was told not to come back. Gwen was still welcome, though, and I was more than a little shocked to see her at my first group meeting.
She seemed an independent, self-assured type of a woman. I barely recognized her as the naked submissive who knelt at Nicolas’s feet. Even more shocking was the almost complete lack of anything I felt toward her, especially considering she’d played with Nathaniel.
The woman I felt the most jealous toward was Jen. When I thought about it, I knew it made no sense. Jen was in a committed relationship with Carter, had played with Nathaniel only a few times and only with Carter in
