Asunder

Heat rose to my throat and cheeks when I thought about the masquerade, Sam as the shrike and the way he danced with me. My face really burned when I remembered what happened after the masquerade, the way he’d touched me and made me long for something I couldn’t name.

But then Meuric and Li had taken Sam prisoner, and forced me to live with Li until Templedark, when I’d escaped. After that… “We slowed down,” I said. “Really slowed. Nothing has been the same since the rededication. That night was unique.”

In both wonderful and horrible ways.

She nodded. “But you’re happy with him? Slow, but good?”

“Yes, very.” Nervousness fluttered inside of me. “He said he lo—” The word stuck on my tongue, and Sarit waited for me to finish, her dark gaze patient. I gathered the syllables in my mouth again. “He said he loves me.”

A dozen reactions flickered across Sarit’s face—I caught shock and joy and confusion—before her expression softened into understanding. “And you think…what?”

I shrugged.

“I want to know.” She bumped my shoulder with hers and lowered her voice, though Sam and Stef were far ahead of us now. “Did you say it back?”

She wouldn’t think badly of me. I could be honest. “I didn’t.”

“Did you want to?”

I pulled my flashlight from my coat and swept the beam across the wet cobblestones. It wasn’t quite dark enough to need it, but they’d all keep going long after it was too dark to see. They could navigate Heart with their eyes closed. Sam had done it once when I’d bet him he couldn’t.

Sarit touched my wrist as we turned the corner onto South Avenue. “It’s okay if you didn’t want to say it. Or you just couldn’t.” She was an echo, just as sweet and understanding as he’d been. Both of them made my heart feel like it might burst with wonder.

“I don’t know yet,” I said at last. I couldn’t even explain to myself why I’d started crying when he told me, and I didn’t want to bother Sarit with it. Not now. This would be a happy night. “But he told me again the next day. And the days after.”

“Good.” She was quiet as we headed toward the Councilhouse, where the hospital waited. “Don’t worry about that other thing.”

Ah, the thing that might be embarrassing to talk about. I bit my lip, half wishing she’d been more clear about it, half relieved she hadn’t. “Okay.”

“It’ll happen when you’re ready. Just…He loves you, Ana. If he said it, he means it. And I love you too. I’m still really glad you’re here.”

“Why?” I whispered, hardly able to believe she’d said it, too. How easy she made it sound, just freely giving love.

Sarit stopped and regarded me with a wry smile. “Just accept it, Ana. You can’t stop your friends from loving you. You can’t stop Sam from feeling the way he does. You know I admire that you question things, but this—this doesn’t have to be one of them.”

Gratitude kindled inside of me, almost choking my words. “Thank you,” I said, and we hurried after Sam and Stef.

7 REBIRTH

THE COUNCILHOUSE WAS an immense building with a wide half-moon staircase spreading out from the front. A huge landing waited at the top, just ahead of a series of double doors; sometimes the landing was used as a stage for outdoor concerts and dances, or just announcements. Though since Templedark, there hadn’t been much call for celebration.

We climbed the stairs—two at a time for those with longer legs—and stepped around columns and crumbling statues. The human-made parts of the Councilhouse were old and falling apart, worse after Templedark. Nothing had been the same since Templedark.

Sam held the door open for us, and we headed toward the hospital wing. Now that we were almost there, it took all my effort not to skip. “I’m excited to see a rebirth. Do you think she’ll let me touch the baby?”

“Probably.” Sam fell into step with Stef, behind Sarit and me.

“Good,” I said. “That was your last chance to tell me if asking would be rude.”

Stef lowered her voice, intentionally just loud enough for me to hear. “Next she’ll be wanting one of her own.”

One of my own?

A baby?

“Right.” I glanced over my shoulder to find Sam looking fascinated by the wall, and Stef wearing a smirk. “Because what I really need is to be responsible for someone. Because I’d be really good at giving a baby everything it needs, thanks to the great example I got from Li.” I choked out the last words. I had no idea if I ever wanted to have a baby, but it certainly wasn’t next on my list of things to do.

Darkness flashed through Sam’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything.

“The Council is approving a lot of couples right now. I bet you’d be approved, too.” Stef acted oblivious to my response, or Sam’s discomfort. “We can check the genealogies later to make sure they’d say yes. It’s embarrassing when they say no.”

The Council had to be careful of accidental inbreeding and unfavorable genes being passed along, and no one wanted to be responsible for future generations suffering poor eyesight or genetic disorders. The practice made me uncomfortable, but to everyone else, it was a way of taking care of their bodies.

She went on. “I think—” Sam interrupted her, voice deep and dark. “Let it go, Stef.”

“Fine. I was just being interested in your lives.”

Sam gave a long sigh; that was what the end of his patience sounded like, which I knew from experience. “Passive aggression doesn’t suit you,” he said. “If you want to talk about this, then we should.

But later.”

“Later,” Stef whispered, tone all pity, and I could almost feel her glare on the back of my head. “I guess I do have that in my favor.”

I probably hadn’t been meant to hear the last part. My face burned with shame and grief at my own inevitable demise. We didn’t know for sure, of course, whether I’d be reincarnated after this life, but it didn’t seem likely.

Next to me, Sarit’s expression was twisted with discomfort.

“Here we are.” I spoke mostly to pretend like I hadn’t heard Stef’s comment, though everyone probably knew better.

The birthing center was a warm, open section of the hospital wing, with silk walls pinned in place by metal shelves. We hurried past the lit Soul Tellers’ office, toward the rebirth room with its cheery decorations and array of medical equipment—just in case. They’d stopped using most of it a century ago.

As we entered the crowded room, buzzing conversation paused and people glanced up to see who’d arrived. Lidea was propped up on the bed with her eyes closed, surrounded by a team of birthing assistants.

“Shouldn’t be long now,” Stef said, folding her coat. “You can put your belongings on a shelf, Ana.

Looks like we’ll have to stand, though. All the chairs are taken.”

“Why are there so many people here?” I placed my coat and umbrella next to her things. “There’s got to be at least four dozen. Are they all going to watch her have a baby?”

“Yep.” Stef flashed a smile, almost like an apology for her insensitivity earlier.

I’d have to remember this kind of thing attracted crowds, because in the unlikely event I did ever have a baby, someone would be in charge of shutting the door.

Sam took my hand and guided Sarit, Stef, and me through the crowd of people chatting, speculating on who’d come back.