Sitting down, my hands began to sweat. I knew I should be mad at him for leaving us, but I couldn’t help in that moment feel like a little girl who just wanted her daddy. I tried pulling my big girl panties on, but they were becoming harder to yank up.
“Savannah. I know you have questions. Ask. Please.”
I sat there dumbfounded. There were so many times that I wanted to say and ask everything under the sun, but in that moment, nothing would come from my mouth.
“It’s okay, Savannah. Maybe I should just talk.” I nodded, not wanting the anger to destroy everything before it started.
“You’re mom and I had problems. Lots of problems that I tried to shield you from. Your mom liked to drink. A Lot.” I gasped in shock. I had always thought Mom started drinking ‘cause Dad left. “I’m guessing you know she drinks and thought it was because I left.” I nodded at this. I was there and heard the fights even when they were behind closed doors.
Dad continued, “Sorry, but no. She started drinking while you were little, but she was a pretty functional drunk. She was able to attend everything you had and even have supper on the table, even if she didn’t eat with us.”
Recalling that time in my life was difficult. I tried blocking it out a long time ago. “I remember she always said she needed to go upstairs.”
“Yes, and drink.” Blowing out an exasperated breath, he continued, “Savannah, I know I did things wrong. I should have never gotten involved with Julie while I was still married, but it happened. The part I’m so sorry about is you.”
Looking up at Dad’s face, I could see the light sheen of tears threatening to release from his eyes. “Everything changed after you left.”
“I tried to get you away from her, but she wouldn’t listen to me.” Dad sniffed his nose, wiping it with the back of his hand.
“Why didn’t you just talk to me? I was in high school. It’s not like I was Sydney’s age or something.”
“That was another one of my mistakes. I’m so sorry.”
“I couldn’t believe you just left us. Left me.” Hurt poured through my words.
“I should have called, but I had already caused your mom so much hurt, I didn’t want to add to it.”
“But you forgot about me.” The tears I didn’t want to show were begging to make their appearance. I ducked my head to shield my face, not wanting him to see it.
“No, I never forgot about you. I went to every school function you had until your mom left with you.”
“I didn’t want to go with her.” Reliving that pain was too much to bear.
“I found out from Grams at the supermarket that Annabelle took you to California. I’m so sorry.”
“It was bad there, Dad. Really bad.”
“I tried calling, but your mom wouldn’t let me talk to you. I thought about coming to California and getting you, but I didn’t think it would go well. But you got through it. You even got an education.”
“I had to get lots of scholarships.”
“I’m sorry. If I’d have known, I would have helped.” Looking into Dad’s eyes, I believed him.
“Don’t be sorry. I earned them, just like I earned my degree. I am very proud of both of them.”
“As you should. I’m proud of you, too.” Relief washed over me, as I’d been waiting for those words from him for so long.
“Thanks … I was so mad at you.”
“You should have been. You still should be. I’m actually a bit surprised that you’re not yelling at me.”
“I thought I would be, too.” I chuckled. “I just can’t seem to do it.”
“You know I love you.”
I stared at my dad. It had been so long that I yearned to hear those words from him. I felt the tears splashing down to my hands, as they lay crossed in my lap. Dad’s large arms engulfed me, where I began to soak his shirt, letting the years of hurt out of my body.
I didn’t say the words back, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to concede to it yet. As Dad released me, I instantly wanted to go back in his arms. For him to make everything better just like he did when I was a kid. Then I thought of what I actually did for a living. How would he feel knowing his daughter wrote smutty books? I hoped he’d be proud, but I couldn’t risk it.
“Savannah. You need to be careful out there. You are a beautiful woman, and if this guy out there is trying to get his hands on you, I need you to stay with someone all the time.” Dad’s concern touched me deeply.
“I know.”
“Then why did you drive here by yourself?” he accused.
“I needed to. Deke argued with me and followed me. He didn’t give me a choice.”
“I’m leery of Deke.”
“Please don’t. I care a lot about him. I won’t hear anything bad said about him.”
“Understood. Come on. That’s enough for one night. Let’s go have dessert.”
Dad led me down to the living room where Julie and Sydney were playing Barbies on the floor. “Savannah! I thought you left!”
“I tried to convince her that you were just talking to Dad, even showed her your car was still here, but she didn’t believe me.” Julie’s bright smile was contagious.
“Well, I’m here. Which one am I?” I asked, kneeling down beside her as she handed me this really cool Barbie with tattoos! Really, a Barbie with tattoos! I couldn’t help but feel excited about it.
As we played on the floor, Julie brought out strawberry shortcake for us all to eat. “I’m really sorry that Jake couldn’t be here. He really wanted to meet you.”
“Who’s Jake?” Over all the years, I had never heard that name before.
“My son. He’s about your age, but he said he didn’t feel well. I really wanted you two to meet.” Julie grinned. I sat there, shocked, not realizing dad left us going into another family. I had no clue she had a son.
“You looked shocked, Savannah,” Dad said.
“I kinda am. I didn’t know you had a son, Julie.”
Julie turned. “From my first marriage.”
“Were you married when you and Dad got together?” When the words left my mouth, I immediately wanted to take them back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Turning my head, I focused on the Barbie in it.
“No. It’s okay. No. I wasn’t married when your father and I got together. I had been divorced for about five years before that,” Julie answered.
“I know it’s a lot for you to take in. I just want to be part of your life again.” My dad cut through the fog of the stirring thoughts racing through my head.
“I’d like that too, Dad.” I never thought I would … ever, but realizing now I wanted it more than ever. I wanted to be part of Sydney’s life.
“So, have you been sending out your writing to the papers around here?” Dad questioned.
Talk about change of subject. “No, but that’s a good idea.”
“Where are you looking then?”
Dad’s questions were getting harder to evade. “I’m just taking it easy right now. I have some money saved up from previous jobs in California so I’m fine.” I felt my heart rate pick up. I hated lying, but knew I had to keep my shit together. I tried breathing slowly to calm myself.
“You really need to be thinking about a job. Your savings will go fast.”
Little did Dad know, I had enough in savings to live off for years. “Don’t worry. I really should be going. Thank you so much for dinner and for having me over.”
Julie stood. “Savannah, you are welcome here anytime. You never have to call, just come. And if you want to stay here, you are more than welcome.”
“Thanks, Julie.”
“No! I don’t want you to go!” Sydney cried.
“I have to, but I tell you what. If Mommy and Daddy say it’s okay, maybe you and I could do something together sometime.”
“Sure. Here though. Just ‘til we figure out who this guy is.” Dad’s concern was admirable.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Of course.”
