wish that you had,” she said. The words came out of her soothingly, not threateningly.
Bill looked taken back, but his grip on the gun didn’t lessen.
“This wasn’t John’s fault. He loved your daughter.” She could feel John’s happiness at her words.
“I said, who are you?” he shouted. “And where are we?”
Bill asked, looking around.
Nothing could be seen but the three of them, spotlight center stage. Not the hospital, the parking lot, or any people. “Where’s my Mae?” he demanded.
“Mae’s not here. She’s moved on,” Amanda said.
John’s head shot up. “Moved on where?” he asked in a rush. His boy-like features stood out to her even more as he asked the question.
“I don’t fully know. You can find out. You can be with her. Just let go of what’s holding you here,” she pleaded.
“But, it was all my fault. I don’t deserve to be with her,” John said, looking at his feet.
“Just answer me this, John. If God takes back the people he misses a little early, who do you think he would have missed the most?” she asked.
John closed his eyes, and Amanda watched the thoughts and memories of Mae floating behind his eyelids. “Mae,” he whispered almost inaudibly.
The air tasted sweet, and Amanda could feel him letting go. Just before he vanished in a burst of light, John smiled in recognition at something she couldn’t see. A surge of euphoria welled up inside of her chest, and a lone tear slid down her cheek. She could see why Healers love this, yearn for it even. Amanda didn’t get to enjoy John’s lingering joy for long.
“What the… Where did he go?” Bill asked. He lowered the gun to his side, staring at the now empty space that his target had occupied.
“He’s with Mae now and in answer to your question, I’m Amanda. I’m here to help you.”
“Help me?” Bill spat. “No one can help me.” He crossed the distance between them in shaky strides. “And if you could, I wouldn’t want your help. Do you know what I did?” he cried his voice increasingly high. “Do you? You may have stopped me right now, but I remember what I did.” He sat down on the ground and put his head in his hands. “I killed that poor boy. Shot him right between the eyes. Right here in front of his father and my poor dead Mae. I murdered him. Tried to kill myself too, but they took the gun from me before I could.” He looked up at her then with rage pouring from him. “And you want to help me? Listen, I see you’re sincere, but this is Hell and I belong here.”
“No, you don’t. You dedicated your life to medicine, to helping others. This was an awful mistake and if you’d had a clear head, you never would have done it,” she said comfortingly. “No, I would have. I’ve relived this scene more times than
I can account for. I’ve told myself over and over again not to do it, but every time he brings me Mae…” He let out a ragged breath. “Just leave me, whatever you are, just leave me.”
Amanda shook her head. “I won’t, I’m not going anywhere.”
He turned on her then and let out a shriek that sounded part human, part animal. “I said leave me!”
“Sorry there, Bill. I’ve seen things a lot more terrifying than you,” Amanda said, poking him in the chest with her forefinger. She could tell from the look on his face he was shocked, and it was the most human she’d seen him yet. “I’m not going anywhere, and we’re the only ones here, so let’s make conversation. Tell me about your daughter.”
“I will not,” Bill said savagely.
“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to. I see all of the things you’ve ever seen, anyway.”
Holding up her hand, she projected an image of a dancing girl with ribbons in her hair. Amanda watched it and was amazed. She’d never seen a more beautiful child. It played out in front of them like an old film that had collected a little dust over the years. Bill watched in awe as his little daughter danced and laughed.
“Daddy!” little Mae said in a musical voice.
“Take it away! Take it away.” Bill roared. He closed his eyes tightly, and when he opened them, the projected memory was gone. “Why did you show me that? Why would you, when I can never see her again. Never hear her laughter…” He broke off as he began to sob uncontrollably.
Amanda walked over, sat down next to him, and put a hand on his shoulder. His body shook underneath her palm.
“You can see her again,” she said comfortingly. “You know you can. Most spirits don’t know they’re reliving the past over and over, but you did. You’re a smart guy, Bill. If you thought this was Hell then you must believe in Heaven. You aren’t in Hell, just so you know.”
He stopped shaking. “I’m not?” he asked in disbelief. “Surely I have to be, I know that I…” Bill broke off. “What does it matter where I am? I’ll never see my daughter, and I don’t want to.”
Amanda was speechless for a moment then regained her stride. “What do you mean? I know your heart, and I know your mind. Your daughter is everything to you.”
“Of course she is and always will be. I just don’t deserve to be where she is, and even if I was pardoned of this crime… I couldn’t face her. Not after what I did, I killed Johnny. Mae loved him so. She would be so ashamed of me. She’d hate me,” he said with sadness in his voice.
“I haven’t ever been to Heaven, but I think it’s a pretty good bet to say hate isn’t really the thing up there.”
“No. I couldn’t do it,” he said with finality.
Amanda held her hand up once more and replayed Mae’s childhood.
“Daddy!” the girl exclaimed.
“If not for you, do it for her. She misses you. I’m sure it’s brought her pain to watch you all these years, never able to comfort her daddy.” Amanda let her words hang in the air, unsure of what to do if this route failed her. She waited for what seemed like forever before hanging her head.
Just as she opened her mouth to speak, she tasted the sweetness in the air around her and smiled. She looked up at Bill and couldn’t believe her eyes. He looked nothing like the monster that had stumbled out of the hospital. His hair was dark and shining, and she saw where Mae had gotten her stunning smile.
“Daddy’s coming, baby girl,” was all he said before he vanished in an explosion of bright lights.
“Good for you, Bill, good for you,” she said just before the familiar tug pulled her back.
14
Nell slowly pushed the door of her room open just a crack. It was hard to see anything in the dark hallway, but after her eyes adjusted, she could see that it was empty. She closed the door quietly in disappointment.
What was she doing? She didn’t even know Armaan. And on top of being a stranger, he was a member of that horrible Guard. She’d stayed up all night trying to make a decision. Stay here in the Hovel, full of sadistic strangers, or leave with a stranger who could be a good person? He’d helped her and seemed so kind. However, his light was so dim. He had the same darkness the other Guard members had hanging around them. So what should she do?
She had been running that question over and over in her mind. In the silence of her room, the tick-tock of her clock invaded her ears like the drums of an approaching army. She glanced at it quickly.
She looked at the room that had been her home for four years. It was barren now, all of her possessions in a small bag slumped on the bed. She wondered if she could say goodbye. The Hovel had been like an answer to a prayer. Many of the Healers here didn’t have much like for her because she was different, and she loved Amanda like a sister. When Nell had first arrived, she was thought to be a prodigy. Not many ten-year-olds entered Scars on a regular basis, let alone healed them. Everyone wanted to know how she did it, how she healed every Scar that she entered. Soon after her arrival, Amanda ran away, and Nell and Amanda had both shared the gift of early leaping. So ‘prodigy’ turned into ‘untrustworthy.’
