Gentle Tweeter,
The pigtailed phantom of Mr. Crescent City kowtows on the floor at my feet, clearly demented. His face pressed to the carpet, the ghost softly mutters the words, “Piss. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Pussy. Tits. Fucker…” A mantra of expletives. He’s whispering, “Motherfucker. Butthole. Crap. Crap. Crap…” It’s Tourette’s syndrome suffered in an attitude of prayer. In time with his obscene utterances he lifts his open hands, stretching his fingers toward me, beseeching. Nearby lies the inert heap of his earthly body, starfished flat atop a sparkling sea of shattered glass.
From my position, sitting on the bed, I extend one chubby ghost leg and push the toe of a Bass Weejun against his supplicating head. Not kicking him in the skull, not exactly, I just push. I ask, “What’s your problem?”
In response, Mr. Crescent City, his rude ghost, passes gas. A real honker, a real Canadian goose call. Tranced out, he’s muttering, “Please accept the reverent song of my stale bunghole, dear Madison. Accept the humble praise of my ‘Hail, Maddy….’”
I say, “Let me confirm something: You’re saying my mom hired you?”
“Accept my butt prayer,” he says, “Sacred angel Millicent Spencer, I petition for your divine guidance.”
I say, “You are disgusting.” I say, “And for your information my name is ‘Madison,’ you pestilent worm.”
“Forgive me, little pissed-off angel girl.”
Me, an angel. As if. I ask, “How much is my mom paying you?” I stand and step closer, asking, “What did my parents tell you?” After all the Gaia agitprop my parents have spouted in
“Camille, great Camille,” the kowtowing ghost says, “mother of the little messiah who will guide all mankind to paradise…” He belches. “Hear my prayers.”
I lift one ghost foot and plant it on the back of his glowing phantom neck. “Let me get this straight. So you toot a fat rail of K and drop into a K-hole. Your soul leaves your body for, let me guess, an hour?” Through my clenched teeth, I warn, “If you break wind again, I’ll rip that mangy pigtail right off your scalp.”
“Thirty, maybe forty minutes,” he says, still facedown. One of his outstretched hands tilts side to side, a gesture of hedging. “I found Marilyn Monroe this way. I found Elvis,” says the spirit, tapping his breastbone, a note of pride in his voice. “I’m the best.”
I say, “That’s a lot of ketamine.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” he says.
“Stop that!” I say.
“But it’s how I pay tribute,” he whines.
“To me?”
“We don’t have much time,” he says. “I pilgrimaged here on behalf of your old lady. My sacred duty is, I’m supposed to deliver you safely to the Pantages.”
A theater?
“It’s a big ship.”
“Do you mean the
He says, “What did I say? Whatever it is, you’re supposed to follow me back there.” The translucent figure pinned under my foot begins to fade.
“After your spirit goes back into your disgusting…” I gesture toward the pile of flesh and rags. “So I’m supposed to follow you?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I guess.” His brain-damaged attention is wandering. Already, his phantom self is vanishing the way it did in the penthouse. His soul is returning to his drug-ravaged body.
To hold him another minute I’m practically standing on his ghost neck. I’m shouting, “Tell me! I command you, you filthy cockroach!” That’s me. That’s just how I am: imperious. I demand, “What is my devious mother up to?”
Cutting cheese. The belching.
I have a terrible premonition.
“You, glorious Angel Madison, you died and your flesh was buried, yet you spoke to your mother from beyond the grave….” He’s fading, Mr. Crescent City, seeping back to life. “You dictated the path for righteous followers to attain paradise. By farting in crowded elevators… by pissing in swimming pools… by going ‘fuck’…”
Gentle Tweeter, my ghost self goes cold with dread.
“Since they were visited by your holy spirit,” he says, “your parents have preached your teachings to millions all over the world. To follow in your steps zillions of your disciples are praying ‘Hail, Maddys’ as I do….” He adds, muttering, “Fuck. Crap. Asshole…” He says, “The Supreme Mother Camille is our fervent harlot….”
“Zealot,” I correct him.
But it’s too late. Mr. Crescent City is no longer under my shoe. Across the hotel room his scarecrow’s body begins to stir.
DECEMBER 21, 8:40 A.M. EST
A Rude Redemption
Gentle Tweeter,
Passing gas. Belching. Picking your nose and flicking the boogers. Leaving your used chewing gum on park benches. These are the prayers of a new major world religion, and it’s all my fault. My goal was just to reunite my little family, albeit in Hell. I told my parents to double-park and say the F-bomb and discard cigarette butts on the ground because I knew those acts would surely send them to Hell. And because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut, now they’ve doomed a thousand million souls to eternal misery.
Gentle Tweeter, what I told my folks,
Why do the impulsive notions of a would-be do-gooder always translate into the ideals of the next civilization? It’s possible that Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed were just ordinary dead guys who simply wanted to say “howdy” and offer some comfort to their living-alive friends. This, this is why the dead don’t talk to the future dead. Predead folks always misconstrue every message. Here I was only fooling around, and my mom’s founded an entire theology on my practical joke.
Ye gods. Now we have “Boorism,” an entire international religious movement founded on potty humor and rude behavior.
What can I do? I can try to set my parents straight. That, that’s what I’ve got to do. As Mr. Crescent City drags himself to his feet, I resolve to follow him back to my deranged mother and set straight the flatulent, earthly world.
DECEMBER 21, 8:44 A.M. EST
A World of Boors
Gentle Tweeter,
Imagine a world where everyone goes about their daily lives with the absolute certainty that he or she is going to Heaven. Everyone has guaranteed salvation. This is the Earth to which I have returned. From room 6314 of the Rhinelander, I follow my derelict guide. Mr. Crescent City, he carries no luggage. With his every shambling
