Doomed

laborers, we’d combined the popcorn with corn syrup and drops of orange food coloring, then shaped the corn in our buttered hands to make knobby miniature pumpkins. We’d pressed triangles of candy corn to make them orange-colored Jack-o’-lanterns with pointed eyes and vampire teeth. As packaging, we’d wrapped them in waxed paper.

And did I mention that I’d secretly laced all of our Halloween treats with my ample, unused supply of funeral Xanax? Well, waste not… I’d reasoned.

A cough came from my nana’s bedroom, and I counted: One-alligator… two-alligator… , but another cough came too fast. With the detachment of a Darwin I began to categorize the coughs by their qualities. Some rasped. Others gurgled wetly. A third type amounted to only a species of breathless hiss. It might’ve been the first cough of a baby learning to breathe, or the last failed breath of someone dying.

Listening closely, lying in bed, my fingertips tasted like buttered pancakes smothered in syrup. When the last cough came, I counted: One-Mississippi… two-Mississippi… three-Mississippi… until a new cough sent me all the way back to counting from zero.

My parents didn’t celebrate Christmas or Passover or Easter, but how they celebrated Halloween was compensation for a million ignored holidays. To my mom it was all about the costumes and adopting alternative archetypal personas, blah, blah, blah. My dad was even more boring on the subject, waxing on about the inversion of power hierarchies and subjugated children recast as outlaws in order to demand tribute from the prevailing hegemony of adults. They’d dress me as Simone de Beauvoir and parade me around the Ritz in Paris to beg for gender parity in the workplace and snack-size Hershey bars, but really to demonstrate their own political acumen. One year they dressed me as Martin Luther, and everyone I met asked whether I was supposed to be Bella Abzug. Grown-ups, fie!

In my upstate bed no coughs came for so long I’d counted up to sixteen-alligator, and I crossed two sticky fingers under the covers, hoping for luck. I considered, briefly, dressing as Charles Darwin this year, but didn’t want to have to explain myself on every hillbilly front porch in this tedious missing-link neighborhood.

I hit twenty-nine-alligator. I got to thirty-four-alligator.

The bedroom door swung open, soundlessly, and a withered hand reached toward me from the shadows in the hallway. A figure began to crawl into the room, desiccated and skeletal, its face a leering skull stained with tobacco juice. Instead of ghostly chains it dragged a silver belt buckle. One bony hand stretched forward, offering a long, dried dog boo-boo nestled in a hot-dog bun. The poo-poo log was garnished with a golden squiggle of Dijon mustard. This same monster I saw every night, or some version of it, and it came as good news lately, because it meant I’d finally fallen asleep. No more counting. I was having a nightmare, but I was asleep. It meant my nana had fallen asleep.

The bed that had once been my mother’s bed felt deep and soft. My nana had changed the sheets today, and these smelled airy and fresh from a sunny afternoon on the clothesline. Nothing hurt.

The cadaver of my Papadaddy Ben swam across the floor, its gabardine pants wadded around its anklebones. The grinning skull hissed, “Ye murderer!” And as it crept closer, the corpse left a trail of blood smeared on the floor behind it.

Nothing hurt.

As fast as a cough, the thought hit me: the Beagle book. I couldn’t feel it. The painful lump of it. The grinning monster of my dead papadaddy disappeared, and I was awake. Scrambling from under the blankets I found no blood on the floor. The door was shut. I plunged both arms under the mattress, all the way to my shoulders, and felt around. I found no book. I crawled along the bedside, feeling everywhere between the mattress and box spring, still no book. A nightmare beyond my worst nightmare. I knelt beside the bed and prayed to still be asleep and only dreaming. Not that I believed in God back then, but I’d seen my mom play a pious nun in a film one time, and her character had spent half her screen time on her knees muttering demands into clasped hands.

When pretending to pray didn’t work, I tiptoed out of my room, down the hallway, to the bookshelf in the parlor. In the dim light I finger-walked from spine to spine, and here it was: The Voyage of the Beagle. It was making the other books stand tight again, stuck back in the place where I’d first found it, looking the same as if nothing had ever happened. As if every gory detail of the past weeks had taken place in a dream. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t pull it from the shelf, because I didn’t want to open it and find the bloody wiener-shaped reality. Because I didn’t want to think my nana had possibly found that same secret truth.

I stood in the dark parlor until the world turned to Halloween at midnight, counting, Seven hundred eight–alligator, seven hundred nine–Missisippi…, my hand hovering between me and the book so long my shoulder ached. My hand extended like my papadaddy’s rotting hand had been extended. My fingers dyed orange from food coloring; the orange looked dark red in the shadows.

I counted that way, not touching the truth until something broke the spell. My nana coughed. The comforting, terrible sound came from her bedroom, the proof of life and death, coughs overlapping coughs, so fast I stopped counting. I left the book and went back to bed.

DECEMBER 21, 9:35 A.M. CST Halloween

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Gentle Tweeter,

The only thing that makes autumn a tragedy is our expectation that summer ought to last forever. Summer is summer. Autumn is autumn. Neither do grandmothers last an eternity. On Halloween my Nana Minnie had laid open my suitcases on the bed in my room, and she spent the day packing. The next day, November, a car would collect me for the drive to Boston, for the jet to New York, for the jet to Cairo, for the jet to Tokyo, for the rest of my life. While packing my clothes, it occurred to me that I lived a perpetual journey home, from Mazatlan to Madrid to Miami, but I never arrived.

While she ironed and folded underwear, my nana recited, “When your mama was your age, she used to pick her nose and wipe it under the chairs.” Reciting, “She bit her own toenails.” Reciting, “Your mama wrote in books….”

That summer in tedious upstate had been the longest stretch of time I’d lingered in one place. In a way I’d gone back in time, had lived my mother’s childhood. I could see why my mom had rushed off in such a frantic hurry, out to the world, to meet everyone and proceed to do everything wrong.

I hovered around my half-filled luggage and asked, “She wrote in what?”

As my nana plucked my freshly laundered items from the clothesline, she repeated, “Your mama used to write in books.”

The Pencil and the Blue Pen. The ferns and thyme and rose petals.

I did not, Gentle Tweeter, inquire about the ultimate fate of my ejaculate-spoiled chambray shirt.

Patterson says to start collecting flowers….

Leonard wants me to pick some flowers….

These had all been my mother’s and my nana’s thoughts when they had been my age. I studied my nana as intently as I’d study my own reflection in a mirror. For there was my nose, my future nose. Hers were my thighs. How her shoulders stooped forward when she walked was how I’d someday walk. Even her cough, ragged and constant, would likely be part of my inheritance. The liver spots on her hands I’d someday find on my own. It looked like such an impossible task: growing old. It scared me how I’d ever manage to achieve all those wrinkles.

My nana never asked about her missing tea jar. She didn’t seem to notice me always wearing my second- best eyeglasses. And in turn I went from not eating anything to scarfing down everything. In Toulouse, cooks say the first crepe is always “pour le chat.” For the cat. The first crepe is always flawed, scorched, or torn, so they let the cat eat it. Somehow I decided that I could do the same with my nana’s flaws. The more she cooked and baked, the more I ate. I could absolve her sins by eating them. And, if not forgive them, I could carry them around my hips as my own burden.