(Never) Again

bye.

So I lied. Big deal. It’s not like Joe really needed to know the truth. He was my boyfriend and I wasn’t hiding anything from him. I wouldn’t.

I tucked my phone back into my bag and focused on the words of my latest assignment. I took a deep breath and assured myself everything was going to be okay. So what if Zach wasn’t halfway across the freaking country anymore? But why was Zach back? You know what, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was I was happy and I was with Joe.

Joe made me happy. The way he always held my hand so everyone would know we were together, and how loved and wanted it made me feel. How he knew when I was having a bad day and would find ways to make me laugh. I loved how super excited he got over the simplest things like rolling a strike when we went bowling, or getting to watch his friends’ band play. His excitement was contagious, infecting me and everyone around us. But what I loved most about him,was that he had been there to help pick up the pieces as I clawed my way out of my lowest point.

Zach was my past, and there was no reason to talk to him anyway. I could go on with my life as if he had never come back. Nothing had to change. It was a big campus. And I didn’t live in the dorms.

My plan would have worked. It was a good plan.

Life had a different plan.

* * *

As soon as I looked back to Professor Schneider, there was Zach, tight t-shirt and all, standing at the front of the classroom and scanning the room.

Zach talked with the professor for a moment and then pointed to me and the empty seat beside me. He might as well have pointed a gun. My hands clammed up, my heart raced—I was as good as dead.

The way he strutted over annoyed me most. This new confidence made him seem arrogant, as if I’d been waiting for this moment from the minute he left. Yeah right.

Zach slid into the desk and leaned towards me, but unfortunately, I had nowhere to go. I raised my hand to block my view of him and turned my body away. If I turned any more, I would have looked like I was sent to sit in time-out. I felt like a vise was gripping my heart.

“Hey, Lizzie,” he said. Just like that. Like we were old-time buds, and he’d never broken my heart. And he called me Lizzie! No one called me that. He was the only person who ever called me Lizzie and just hearing it again caused the vise to tighten.

“That’s not my name!” I snapped.

Zach shot his hand up in defense. “Whoa. Down, girl.”

Professor Schneider began class, but Zach didn’t move away. His attention stayed focused on me.

He tilted his head, a dark eyebrow arched. “I’m sorry. Liz?”

After all that time I was still a sucker when it came to him. I gave in and turned to see what else he had to say.

“I just . . . I just don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“They aren’t!” I didn’t think I could sound so nasty whispering, but mission accomplished.

The guy in front of us turned, a finger over his lips, and shushed us. Zach raised an apologetic hand and the guy turned back in his chair. You’d think that would be enough to shut Zach up, but it only made him move closer. I hated the fact I liked his cologne. And as much as I didn’t want it to, my body betrayed me, responding to his scent, his closeness, but I’d be damned if I gave in to the desire to be closer to him. I hated him. He hurt me. And even if my hormones were willing to forget, my mind wasn’t.

“Oh, come on. I saw you dive into the bathroom earlier.” His voice softened.

He saw me. Shit!

“No, I didn’t.” I folded my arms, trying not to notice him. It was impossible. I could sense him staring at me, waiting for me to turn so he could tell if I was lying or not.

So many things were different. So much time was between us. I wasn’t the same girl as I was a year ago. I was in college now, living on my own. But my lip still twitched when I lied. I had attempted to control it to no avail. It was as if my mouth tried to stop me from letting the lie out.

If I looked at Zach now, he would make me repeat myself and my lip would betray me. I didn’t want him to know he had any effect on me. I didn’t want him back in my life.

“Fine. I guess I was mistaken,” he said as he moved his desk away.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Zach didn’t talk to me for the rest of the class. Which I was fine with, though, I still felt as if he was looking at me, and it made me uncomfortable. Of course he came back into my life the day my outfit sucked and I just threw my hair into a messy ponytail. Damn Sadie for making me go to that frat party last night. Though the blond highlights I’d recently gotten made it look a little more stylish.

I had overslept too. I never overslept. Even after a night of partying. I should have known then that today was going to royally suck.

The professor couldn’t end class fast enough.

After Zach’s comment about my bathroom dash, I didn’t want to prove him right. So instead of high-tailing it out of class as I so desperately wanted to, I took my time getting ready to leave.

My entire body, mind and soul were trying to race me out the door, but I slowly put my books in my bag and when at least four people had left, I began my exit. I didn’t realize that he had started walking simultaneously until we both tried to walk through the doorway at the same time. With his much bigger build, it wasn’t happening.

“Excuse me,” I said and pushed by. In the hallway the air was lighter. I breathed again.

“Liz, wait up,” he called.

Zach didn’t get it. I wanted nothing to do with him. We were over and I had no intention of becoming friends. He had hurt me and just looking at him was a painful reminder of that.

I speed-walked towards Joe’s and my meeting spot because we always walked to my second class together before he headed home, and there was no way I was walking with my current boyfriend on one side and my ex on the other.

“Liz, come on.” Zach grabbed my arm. Warmth rushed over my skin as he pulled me into a doorway. I hated that his hand on my arm made me feel anything at all. “Can’t we just talk?”

For a second I stared into his familiar eyes, a moment from the past frozen in time. Then my glance fell, moving over the skin that was no longer baby soft, but now showed signs of dark stubble.

“What is there to talk about, Zach?” I asked, taking my eyes from the strong lines of his jaw.

He dipped his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall. It was his signature pose. At least not everything about him changed.

“I don’t know like, how are you? How’s your family? How’s life in general?” He moved closer. My heartbeat pounded out of control and the vise grip on it tightened again. I stepped back, breathing erratically, trying to suck air into my lungs, but it only gave me a better view of his lips. I remembered those lips and how they felt pressed against mine. And even though I resisted the memory, my mind drifted back to our first kiss.

* * *

It was late afternoon, junior year of high school. The sun had already begun its descent into the horizon and we were hanging on the monkey bars. Zach had come up with the great idea to race. On the count of three we were off, laughing as we collided in the middle. We were hanging close enough to one another that our legs kept touching.

Zach let go first and I followed him. His hands grabbed my sides to steady me as I dropped, and I glanced up to say thanks when he kissed me.

His lips brushed against mine, soft and sweet. I relaxed into his body, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Warmth spread through my cheeks as his hands cupped my face. I had been kissed before, but it was nothing compared to this.

My body had never reacted to any other kiss the way it had to Zach’s. Pulse racing out of control, blood rushing out of my head, shooting through the rest of my body, leaving me light-headed, tingly, completely exhilarated. No. Nothing compared to it.

Not even close.

* * *