'Thanks, doc.'
'Take care.' She nodded, and Tyg tipped her hat, then they walked away. I watched them, the way they interacted with each other, so much love shining in both their eyes. I wondered if more love like that was out there somewhere. Would I ever see it?
I stepped out of the shower, the steam swirling around me. It was a chilly day, the wind making the fifty degrees seem much less. I wrapped a towel around me, tucking the ends together. I walked over to the mirror, swiping my hand across the smooth, cold surface. The whites of my eyes were red, making the green stand out even more. I was so tired, long days and little rest beginning to wear on me.
Since Dr. Torres had joined my staff, our work load had nearly tripled. She was intelligent and observant, and we usually never even realized that thirteen hours had passed. Samantha’s fiance wasn’t happy with me very often. Work was my life. Perhaps Erin should fit into that somewhere. I was so confused with that.
After all the time we’d been together, I just couldn’t take that extra step. Couldn’t allow her to be completely in my life, but erected barricades for her to attempt to breach, knowing full well that the more of my wall she managed to crumble, the higher I built it.
With a sigh, I grabbed a comb and began to work on the tangles in my hair. I had a dinner date to keep.
* * *
'So, does it smell good in here?' I laid my jacket across the back of Erin’s couch, and followed her into the kitchen.
'Sure does. I’m starving.' I leaned against the counter, arms crossed over my chest as I watched her work.
'Want me to do anything?' I pushed off, and walked over to the table, set for two, replete with candles, and a bottle of wine. I picked it up to read the label.
'You can pour that if you want. The food’s just about done.'
'You got it.'
'Oh, and push play on the remote, will you?' I saw the remote to the stereo sitting on the computer desk, and grabbed it, pushed the green button. As I worked with the corkscrew, I stopped, glancing over my shoulder at the stereo.
'I know how much you love Linda Eder,' I heard whispered in my ear from behind me, arms snaking around my waist. 'And, you seem to play this song a lot.'
'I know. ‘Unusual Way’.'
'That’s right.' She kissed my earlobe.
'The song is just, I don’t know,' I thought for a moment, trying to place why.
'Well, it is beautiful.' Erin turned me around in her embrace, her eyes closed as she inhaled my skin. 'You smell so good.' I listened to the words of the song,
In a very unusual way, one time I needed you.
In a very unusual way, you were my friend.
Maybe it lasted a day, maybe it lasted an hour.
But somehow it will never end.
In a very unusual way, I think I’m in love with you,
In a very unusual way, I want to cry.
Something inside me goes weak, something inside me surrenders.
You’re the reason why, you’re the reason why
I closed my eyes, a pang of sadness shooting through me, though I couldn’t place it no matter how hard I tried.
'Andi?' My eyes slowly opened at the soft voice, low with concern. I saw the dark eyes looking into my own, the face so close. 'Are you okay, sweetie?'
'Yeah. I’m fine. Why?' I tried to shake myself out of it, utterly confused.
'You just, well, you look like you’re about to cry or something.'
'Yeah, I don’t think so.' I stepped out of her embrace, taking a deep breath before putting on a smile. 'Come on, woman. Where’s this food you promised me?' She looked at me for a moment, her eyes staring into mine, then turned and headed back into the kitchen.
I grabbed the remote, and forwarded the CD to the next song.
'Sit.' Erin began to bring dishes out of the kitchen, loading the table up with incredible smelling food. I grabbed the wine bottle, pouring each of us a glass, then sat.
'This looks and smells wonderful, Erin.' She smiled at me.
'Thanks, sweetie. Well, dig in!'
I piled my plate high with the incredible smelling salmon, asparagus and baby potatoes.
'I don’t know what I’d do without your cooking, Erin.' I closed my eyes as I savored my first bite of fish.
'Learn to cook yourself?' She smiled at me, then began to eat. Erin prattled on about her day, and her mother coming to visit from Arizona in August, and about the latest patient that had been checked into her unit at work, I watched her speak, watched her fingers as they gripped her fork, or the knife as she cut into the meat, the way they wrapped so delicately around the stem of her wine glass. Her lips, just short of being completely full, but soft all the same. Eyes, dark and mischievous, yet caring and full of love and kind words for those that she cared about.
All those great qualities that Erin possessed, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to truly let her in, to give what I had. Hell, I’m not so sure I even had it to give. So, perhaps it wasn’t Erin at all. It was me.
I’d been in three relationships since coming out during my second year of college, and had had several more lovers, but not one of those women were able to get inside.
Coming out, that was a time that I’d like to forget, but never will be able to. I remember standing in my mom’s kitchen, knowing I needed to tell her. At that point in my life, honesty was no longer an issue. I had been leaning against the counter, staring down at my hands, trying to find the right words.
'Honey, what is it?' my mom had asked, handing me a cup of decaf. I looked at her, taking a deep breath.
'Mom, I think I have something to tell you.'
'More surprises, huh?' She smiled, I smiled back.
'Yeah, I guess so. I’ve had something on my mind since, well, for awhile now.' I ran my hands through my hair nervously. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and my eyes found their way to her gaze.
'Honey, no matter what it is, I’ll always love you. You know that, right?' I nodded, feeling my throat begin to choke up. God, I hated this. Always so damn emotional now.
'Mom, I think I may be gay.' My eyes began to sting, the tears close to the surface. I forced myself to look at my mom, I needed to see her acceptance. She looked surprised for a moment, then a slow smile spread across her face, as she nodded.
'I wondered. I mean, other than Scott, you just never really seemed interested.' I swallowed my emotion back as I nodded, with a weak grin.
'Yeah.' I felt horrible, like I was disappointing her. 'I’m sorry.'
'Honey,' arms surrounded me in a tight hug. 'Oh, honey. Don’t you dare apologize for who you are. I won’t lie to you in that I’ve always wanted to help you plan your wedding, pick out a dress and all that, but Andrea,' she placed a hand on either side of her face, making me look into her eyes. 'I couldn’t be more proud of you. No matter what you or Chris decided to do, I’d be proud. If you chose to become a ditch digger, and that made you happy, as long as you were the best ditch digger you could possibly be, I’d be proud to be your mom.'
The tears began to fall in earnest as I clung to my mother.
'Honey? Andi?'
'What?' I shook my head, trying to get the past out of my head. 'Sorry. Got lost in thought.'
'I guess so. Are you ready for dessert?' A slow smile spread across my face.
'Bring it on.' She tossed her napkin aside, and headed back to the kitchen to grab the chocolate mousse that I had been waiting for all night.
'So what do you have going this weekend?' she asked, carrying two chilled dishes.
