'Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll really miss her. She’s such a wonderful girl.'
'Yeah, she is. Mom, I’m going with her.'
My mother stopped the faucet, and looked up at me, surprise in her eyes. I waited for her to say something.
'Honey, wow. Where did that come from? Why?' I knew she would support me no matter what I did in life, but I also knew this was rather sudden, especially for someone who had no clue what had been going on between Haley and I.
'She asked me to.'
'As roommates, or something?' I smiled.
'Well, not really.' Her eyes opened even wider. She put the kettle on the stove.
'You mean in a romantic way?' I nodded.
'Something like that.'
'Honey, I-,' She smiled, shaking her head. 'You girls. I never can tell who’s into men, anymore. I definitely had money on Haley.' She chuckled again. Getting the box of teabags out of the cabinet, as well as two cups.
'Me, too.' I grinned. 'You remember, ah, well, way back when we had the bad snow storm my junior year?' Mom nodded, looking at me warily. 'Well, ah, Haley and I,' I looked down, lightly tapping the heels of my boots on the cabinet below me. Mom turned to face me totally.
'You two...,' I nodded.
'Basically,' I admitted.
The water began to whistle, so she took the kettle of the burner, and poured the hot water into our mugs, handing me one, and a teabag.
'Thanks.'
'Is that why you two stopped talking?' she asked, dipping her bag in and out of the water, watching to see when it was the right color for her.
'Yes.'
'You know, I wondered. Not then, of course. Hell, having a daughter who’s gay has certainly been an education for me, but later on, after you’d told me about your lesbianism, I really wondered if something had happened between you girls.' She poured some sugar in the cup once she’d removed the teabag. 'So, tell me about this California thing. Are you excited?'
I set my teabag on the saucer next to my mom’s, and sipped from the strong, hot brew, nodding.
'I am. The thought of having a life with Haley,' I smiled. 'It’s breathtaking. The way I see it, Samantha can handle the lab, she’s good at what she does, and sometimes I think it’s her who should have gotten the promotion to lab manager last November, and not me. She’s a very competent woman. I mean, I may have gotten the ball rolling on our research, but she can just take over. And Bunsen would love the sun and the sand. I mean, true, I wouldn’t have the snow, and I do love the snow, but I could just get my fill of it when I came back for the holidays. Plus, I trust Vince and Michelle as much as I trust myself, and Kendall would absolutely love to come out and visit when she had her summer break,' I stopped myself in mid-sentence, looking over at my mom. She was looking right back at me, concern in her eyes.
'What’s the matter, honey?' she asked, her voice quiet.
'What am I saying?' I nearly whispered.
'You were telling me all the wonderful possibilities of a life with you and Haley.' I hopped down from the counter, setting my mug aside, and walking over to the small table, pulling a chair out, and plopping down.
'I can’t, I, I’m so confused.' I buried my face in my hands. Within a few seconds I felt a warm hand on my back, rubbing in small circles.
'How do you feel about Haley, honey?' I lifted my head, running a hand through my hair. I rested my elbows on my spread knees, and clasped my fingers together as I stared straight ahead, trying to think of how to answer that. Just at the mention of her name, I felt like I could fly.
'I feel almost like I’m high when I’m around her,' I began. 'You know, like I can do anything. She fills me up completely.' I risked a quick glance at my mom. She was staring at the floor as she listened. 'She makes me feel like it’s all worth it, like life is worth living, and taking with both hands. I guess she makes me feel alive. You know, it’s like there is an actual, literal pain in my chest when she’s not with me.' This time I looked directly into my mom’s eyes.
'Honey, do you think you love her?' she asked, her hand moving up into my hair, gently stroking it, pushing it back from my face. I thought about what she said, knowing that I had been purposefully keeping those very words out of my vocabulary. Who was I to say? How would I know?
But then as I sat there in my mother’s kitchen, I knew, just as sure as I knew my own name.
'Mom, I think I’ve fallen in love.' My voice was quiet, almost filled with awe as I announced this news to my own ears just as much as to my mother’s.
'That’s not a bad thing, sweetie. It’s about time, actually, and I can’t think of someone more worthy of your love than Haley. No man is an island. I’ve been telling you that for some time.' She smile, I smiled back, ruefully. 'Does she feel the same?'
'I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if she knows how she feels.' I stood, running my hands through my hair again, turning to face my mom. 'How can I go out there when she has no idea what she wants? Haley has never experienced this before, hell, what if it’s just a really strong case of sisterly love?'
'Do you really think that’s the case, Andrea?'
'I hope not. But I don’t know. And my job, all my hard work and research.' I stopped, my shoulders slumping. 'My daughter,' I whispered. 'I let her go once, mom. I don’t know if I can do it again.' She just stared up at me. 'I have to go.'
I grabbed my keys from the table, and gave my mom a quick hug. 'I’ll call you later.'
'Whatever you do, you’ll do the right thing, honey,' she said, holding me by my arm.
'Would you do it?' I asked, desperate for someone to give me the answers.
'I can’t answer for you. You and I are very different people, with very different priorities. I’m settled now, and when I was your age I had two young children to raise. Only you can decide.'
'Do you think I should go?' I hated asking others for help, but I was so lost right now.
'Well, I have to be honest, I don’t want you to, but that’s just my motherly selfishness in me talking. But objectively, I think it could be a wonderful opportunity for you, and life is short.'
Not feeling any better, I hugged her again, and hurried out. I needed to think, and I needed to be alone to do it.
I sat in my office chair, hands behind my head as I stared at the blank computer screen before me. Our new units had arrived, and the men were installing them, so I came in here to stay out of the way.
More like to hide.
Last night had been one of the hardest of my life. The only thing comparable had been the night before I had to give the Torrini’s my answer. This was no less painful, either. Both could would change my life forever, and could have blessed or cursed affects.
My eyes still burned from tears of frustration and sadness. My heart still hurt from hope and regret. I had made up my mind, and now it was time to make it so.
I stood, taking a deep breath, letting my lungs fill with much needed air, and headed out of the lab.
As I walked down the hall, not entirely sure where I was going, well, that was a lie. I knew where I was going, I was just taking the long way to get there. I thought about my destination. I thought about what I would say.
'Hey!' My head jerked up from my thoughts, and heading toward me from the end of the hall was Haley. She quickened her pace, and I stopped mine all together. As she got closer, I could see she had something in her hand. 'How are you?' she asked once she reached me, taking me in a hug. I hugged her back, squeezing my eyes shut.
'Here. How are you?' We pulled apart, and she looked at me with narrowed eyes, then punched me playfully on the arm.
'You better be better than just here, woman. Look at all this stuff I got last night.' She brought her hand up, and I saw that she had a ton of brochures on California, and all of the tourist attractions. 'Okay, I figure we’ll be
