“Mexico? Sweet Jesus, Avery, you’re so damn nuts I swear I can see the squirrels juggling chainsaws inside your head.”
“And what’s the current exchange rate these days?”
“Please tell me you aren’t really going.”
“Okay, I’m not going.”
“Really?”
“No, just trying to make you feel better. Is it working?”
“No,” Mountain said as he took another pull from his whiskey bottle. “Why the hell is going to Mexico so important? You do remember that little incident a while back at Bennett’s house with that cartel
“The Mexican assassin? I’m sure he’s forgotten about me already. It’s tequila under the bridge.”
“What do you plan on doing there? Vacationing? You know, they’ve got some really nice beaches around Galveston or Corpus.”
“My search for the chupacabra must continue. I have strong reason to believe that the perfect time to observe and capture one is at hand.”
“Dammit, son, how many times do I have to say this? There’s no such thing as a flipping chupacabra!” Mountain pounded his bottle on his desk for effect.
“That’s what they used to say about witches.”
“Witches don’t exist, either!”
“Of course they do. Austin elected one mayor.”
“For the record, I think this is a really bad idea. Typically, with someone like you, the law down there won’t be on your side. If you get in trouble, I can’t promise I can get you out. But if you insist on going, take this,” Mountain said as he wrote down a phone number on the cover of a racing form sitting on his desk before tearing the page off. “When, not if, things go tits up, you call this number and ask for Enrique Montalban. Mention my name. He’s an attorney in Mexico City. We go way back. When we were still just kids, we used to run rum out of Havana to the Keys. He’s pretty handy in a knife fight, too. But whatever you do, don’t play cards with him. He’s a world-class cheat.”
“Explains why you two got along. Hey, you aren’t billing me for this, are you?”
“Of course I am. But don’t worry about it — I’ll just tack it onto my lawsuit.”
“Well played, Mountain. Well played.”
“So exactly where in Mexico are you headed?”
“Not sure yet.”
“Hell of a plan.”
“It’s in progress. I like to marinate an adventure before cooking it.”
“Well, boy, you’re headed straight into the hot oven. It’s shit-ass crazy down there right now.”
“Your shirt looks like crap.”
“At least I’m wearing one. What’s the deal with yellow, anyway? You look like a fat banana with a beard.”
“Yellow? Did you miss Fashion Week this year?”
“Unfortunately,” Mountain said as he spit in his trash can. “I, too, was busy shaving my chest and bleaching my…”
“Yellow is the new black,” Avery interrupted.
“The new black. Who knew? Well, I suggest starting in Matamoros. I know this one little sugar shack down there — you can really wet your whistle, if you know what I mean,” Mountain said with a wink. “Seen some things there that words just don’t do justice. You ever seen one of those shows with the donkey and the two…?”
“Thanks, but this is a business trip. Just a heads-up, I’m having all my mail forwarded here while I’m gone,” Avery said as got up to leave. “Pay the bills, throw out the ads, and save the coupons. I’ll reimburse you, obviously.”
“Sure you will.” The attorney rubbed his aching head. “
After leaving his attorney’s office, Avery sneaked along for several blocks before finding what he was looking for. Approaching a postbox at the corner of a busy intersection, he looked left and right to make sure he wasn’t being watched before dropping a letter into it.
To: Loan Department
7th National Bank of Austin
Dear Money Lenders:
I’m writing to express my desire for a small business loan. I’ve closely reviewed your institution’s loan forms and documents, and have found them cumbersome, redundant, and completely useless. Personal information is called “personal” for a reason. I’m sure you understand. Please accept this correspondence as a more than capable replacement. For the time being, I cannot divulge the entirety of my business plan for competitive reasons. The global business markets are savagely cutthroat. Secrecy is the devastatingly long lever of the first mover’s advantage.
Executive Summary:
Give me ten million U.S. dollars immediately.
Top Secret Plan Overview (that can be revealed at this time):
Question: What are America’s two favorite snacks? Answer: Mountain Dew and pork rinds. Curiously enough, no one has ever considered combining the two. Well, the time has come, and I plan to dominate the world’s market for Mountain Dew–flavored pork rinds. Of course, I could just directly approach the manufacturer of Mountain Dew with this dazzling concept, but I’m looking to maximize my personal fortune by going it alone. Besides, it would deprive your institution the opportunity to be involved in financing this groundbreaking concept from its infancy. Trademarks and copyrights obviously prevent me from using the Mountain Dew name in my project, so I’ve developed an alternative concept: Alpine Condensation. But my marketing genius only starts there. Alpine Condensation Pork Rinds will be marketed through a partnership with a well-known hip hop performer. My preference is for someone who has spent time incarcerated. It’s essential for the product to have some street cred with the kids. Now, it may be difficult to find a rapper who has actually gone to jail, but I’m trying. If I can’t find one, I’ll hire a suitable entertainer and compensate them with discount coupons for future product purchases for time spent behind bars on trumped-up charges. Preferably drug charges. The target market for Alpine Condensation is the late-night snack consumer returning home from the club. Nothing refreshes like a bag full of crispy, salty, sweet, tangy, caffeine-loaded pork rinds after a long night of dancing and partying. The product can also be marketed to athletes, as pork rinds are naturally rich in protein. Can you envision the Stanley Cup or Claret Jug filled to the brim with Alpine Condensation Pork Rinds? I can. But we have to move fast! The genius of this plan is in its simplicity. It’s only a matter of time before someone stumbles onto to it. Production plans for the product are simple. First, I’m going to need pigskin, and lots of it. Fortunately, China is one of the world’s largest producers of pork. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Quality. Yes, the U.S. and the Dutch raise a higher quality of pork, but we’re talking about skin here. Ribs and chops are not of concern. Cheap Chinese pigskin it is. Second, I’ll need to hire the services of a team of ninjas to break in and steal the secret formula for Mountain Dew. I already have a team picked out and training in the Gobi Desert. Third, I’ll require access to the massive facilities at Analytical Food Laboratories in Grand Prairie. There I will create a crystallized version of the flavoring agent for my
