New and…Improved? & Andrew in Excess

Despite herself, Kat smiled at Bitsy’s nonsense as she followed her to the door. Kat hugged her. She’d needed a sounding board. Although she still felt terrible, at least she had vented.

“Thanks for listening. I’ll call you later in the week.”

“Anytime.”

Halfway to her car, Bitsy turned around. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. When I went by to pick up the night-light, Andrew was watering your plants.”

Hell’s bells. He was nurturing those plants. He really knew how to kick a girl when she was down.

KAT AWOKE from a not-so-sound sleep to a pounding on the door. The numbers on the clock read 11:30 p.m.

“Come on, Kat. Let me in. Ya gotta talk to me.” Her mystery guest was no longer a mystery.

She padded to the door without turning on any lights. “Go away, Andrew. It’s late.”

“I hafn’t talked to you in five days and three’n half hours. C’mon, honey.”

Kat’s astonishment that he’d been counting the days-and hours, apparently-was quickly followed by the realization that Andrew’s usual precise diction registered less than precise. Downright slurred, in fact.

“Have you been drinking?” She’d never even seen him tipsy. Not in any of the two and a half weeks she’d been married to him.

“Jus’ a few beers with Eddie. He tol’ me to talk to you.”

“Go home and go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” And tomorrow Eddie just might face castration.

“Uh-uh. It’s misable there without you. I need you.”

Kat pulled her humiliation at his betrayal around her like a suit of armor.

“You need me for your partnership. Go home.”

She nearly jumped out of her skin when he began belting out “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” in an off-key tenor.

Oh my God. Her straitlaced, Wall Street Journal reading husband stood drunk, and butchering good Stevie Wonder lyrics at the top of his voice.

Kat jerked open the door. “Shut up-”

Flashing blue lights racing down the road stopped her mid-sentence. Unfazed, unaware, uncaring-she wasn’t sure which one, perhaps all three- Andrew didn’t miss a beat.

Horrified, Kat watched the police cruiser pull into the driveway behind a waiting taxi. A burly officer jumped out and rushed toward them, his weapon readied. Andrew finally seemed to figure out he wasn’t at a Kmart special and turned to investigate the flashing blue lights.

“Wha’ the…?”

“Freeze, mister. Ma’am, are you okay?” The cop barked.

“Fine. I’m fine. Why are you here?” The revolver trained on Andrew froze Kat in her tracks.

Unfortunately, it didn’t have the same effect on her inebriated husband. He took a step toward the man in blue. “Yeah, wha’s the problem, Officer?”

“You seem to be, buddy. One of your neighbors called about a possible burglary in process.” The cop waved his gun toward the patrol car. “Spread ’em over there.”

Andrew shambled toward the car, a grin splitting his face. “If it’s a strip search, could I request her, Officer? She’s ma wife, ya know. And I haven’t seen her in five day and three and something hours.” The glare of the headlights illuminated his skewed grin. “And she’s wearing my favorite nightie.”

Kat tugged self-consciously at the hem of the lime-green T-shirt.

“Buddy, in case you ain’t noticed, I’m not Dear Abby, and your ass is about to be arrested if you don’t spread- eagle against that car pronto.”

Toto chose that moment to dash from the house and run gleeful circles around Andrew. Kat lunged after him. “No, Toto, no. Bad dog.”

Andrew, unsteady on his feet, lurched against the officer and landed on top of him. In a moment of joyous reunion, Toto celebrated in his favorite manner, lifting his leg on both Andrew and the outraged officer.

Quick as a flash the policeman slapped a pair of handcuffs on Andrew and yanked him to his feet.

Andrew seemed much more interested in Toto than his new steel bracelets. “At least you’ve missed me, hafn’t ya, little guy?”

Someone had to look out for Andrew, because he was doing a very poor job of it right now. Kat grabbed at the officer’s arm. “Wait a minute.”

“This is none of your concern now, ma’am.” The burly cop shrugged her off, opened his back door and bundled Andrew inside. “Buddy, you’re under arrest for obstruction of justice. You have the right to remain silent…”

ANDREW SAT ON A HARD BENCH in a holding cell and tried to block out the surrounding chaos. How the devil long could it possibly take for Eddie to raise bail and get him out of here? Nothing quite like being arrested to sober up a man. Fast. He and his arresting officer wouldn’t be getting together for a game of racquetball anytime soon.

“Okay, buddy, let’s go.”

Andrew glanced up in inquiry.

A skinny young man in uniform smirked at him. “Yeah, you. Your fairy godfather just arrived. Better hurry before he leaves without you.”

Andrew rose to his feet, ignoring the wiseass comment. He’d leave with a whole new perspective of the men in blue.

Eddie waited for him in the processing area, trying to swallow a grin.

“Don’t say a word until we’re out of here,” snapped Andrew.

“Okay. And you’re welcome that I got out of bed and came down here at three o’clock in the morning to haul you out of the tank.”

“Thank you. Now shut up.”

“Why don’t you take it outside, fellows-unless you just happen to like it here?” Sergeant Smartmouth suggested.

Andrew withheld comment until he and Eddie were out of the station and in Eddie’s car.

In the close confines of his sedan, Eddie wrinkled his nose. “Jeez, you stink. Did you sit too close to a drunk or what?”

“No, buddy.” That was a new name he’d learned to loathe this evening. “You’re smelling genuine dog urine. After Toto helped me body-tackle the policeman, he relieved himself on both of us.”

From the driver’s seat, Eddie made a choking sound. Andrew showed remarkable restraint in not finishing the job for him. He hated to render his only sister a widow and his niece fatherless.

Suddenly, bone weary, he laid his head on the back of the seat. “Edward, my life is out of control. My life has never been out of control. In the past three weeks I’ve been photographed publicly groping a woman, gotten married, had my eye blackened, had a room of three hundred think they heard me having sex with my wife, had my wife toss crystal at me like I was target practice before she left me, been double-crossed by my father, peed on by a dog twice and now arrested.” He didn’t throw in and fallen in love. It was too illogical for him to accept. “And do you know what I’ve done every night since Kat left?”

Eddie held up a hand to stop him. “I’d rather not know if you’ve been seeing Mary Thumb and her four sisters.”

Andrew shook his head. He’d resorted to several cold showers but not that. Not yet anyway. That couldn’t begin to compare to his memories of the taste, feel and smell of his wife that were driving him mad. “Oh, no. I go home after work every night and water her damn flowers.”

“Congratulations!” Eddie blew the car horn for good measure.

“What?”

“Congratulations on joining the real world.”