Their eyes stayed locked, and sick dread lurched through her gut. Her heart wrenched with remorse; her face burned with guilt and chagrin. She wanted to weep with the awful realization of how unfairly she’d acted and how badly she’d hurt this man.
She couldn’t excuse what she’d done and had no way left to fix it.
The reverberations of the helicopter broke the tense silence. They grew louder, filling the air with a whomping sound. The dog jerked against the leash, and she tightened her grip to hold him.
Then a shadow crossed overhead, and the ashes swirled by her feet. The helicopter hovered just beyond the cave, then headed for the clearing.
“It’s over,” Cade said, his face devoid of expression. “Let’s go.”
Whether he meant their ordeal or their relationship didn’t matter. Both were finished.
Feeling completely battered inside, she picked up the dog and followed Cade through the ashes to catch their ride.
Chapter 16
“He’s gone?” Jordan gaped at the nurse sitting behind the emergency room desk. “But he can’t be, not with his bad shoulder. A tree crushed him. My God, his head, his ribs, he-”
“Honey, I’m not the doctor. I don’t decide what the patients can do.” The nurse leaned back and crossed her arms over her flowered scrubs.
“I know, but he-” Jordan clamped down hard on her lip, knowing it was pointless to argue. This nurse couldn’t control where Cade spent the night.
But she had to see him, talk to him. She twisted her bandaged hands, her sense of urgency rising. She couldn’t let their trip end this way.
Even if that was what Cade intended.
He obviously didn’t want to see her. He’d ignored her on the flight to Missoula, looking more remote than when their journey had started. And once they’d landed at the hospital, he’d handed the dog over to his smokejumping friend, Trey Campbell, and let the nurses lead him away.
He hadn’t looked back, hadn’t asked to see her again. And now he’d left the hospital without even saying goodbye.
Or had he?
She thought back to those final moments on the mountain, to his hurt over her deception. To the bitterness in his blazing blue eyes. And she realized that he had said goodbye. She just hadn’t wanted to hear it.
But she couldn’t let it end like this. Panic surged and then engulfed her, like a wildfire searing her chest. She needed to find him, plead with him.
Tell him she still loved him.
But arguing with this nurse wouldn’t help. She sucked in a steadying breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I just really need to see him. Could you at least tell me his address? I think he has an apartment nearby.”
“Sorry, we’re not allowed to give out that information.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. He’s my ex-husband. We-”
“There’s a telephone book in the lobby. You’re welcome to look in that.”
“But what if he’s not listed? He might only have a cell phone.”
“Sorry.” The nurse returned her gaze to her computer screen.
Knowing it was futile to argue, Jordan curbed her frustration and stepped back. She could head to the smokejumper base and ask, but they weren’t open at night. And they might refuse to tell her, too.
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
Jordan turned. A nurse pushing a gurney paused by the desk, waiting for her to move.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Her face warming, she steadied her crutches and moved aside. She couldn’t take up these people’s time when others had more serious problems.
She’d been lucky on that mountain. Aside from a mildly sprained ankle and a few lost pounds, she’d survived the ordeal intact. And after giving her a tetanus booster, antibiotics and an IV to replace lost fluids, the doctor had allowed her to leave. All she needed now was a hot shower and a few days of rest to bring her body back to normal.
If she could only do the same for her heart.
The nurse wheeled the gurney past, and she caught a glimpse of the young man on it. He looked pale against the sheets, his features racked with pain.
And suddenly, her stomach flipped and her heart stalled. And she couldn’t stop the memories from slamming through her, of herself on that gurney years back-alone and in pain, bleeding and suffering badly.
Her knees grew weak at the memory, and she leaned against the wall for support. God, it had been so hard. That terrible fear, the awful pain. The misery of losing her child. The worry that she’d somehow caused it.
The absolute devastation of knowing Cade would rather leap from airplanes than stay with her.
But that wasn’t true. Cade hadn’t abandoned her. She blinked as reality came seeping back, and with it, the truth. Cade wasn’t like her father. He would have rushed to her side.
She was the one at fault. She hadn’t trusted him or his love, hadn’t given him a chance to help her. Then she’d left him without explanation and blamed him for her mistakes.
How could she have been so foolish?
Her blood still slamming in her ears, she struggled to regain her composure. Just then two women rushed past.
“We’re right behind you, Tommy,” one woman called.
Jordan watched them scurry into the curtained space behind the gurney, and then another truth rocked through her. Unlike her, that man wasn’t alone. He had friends to visit him, a support group, people eager to help-whereas Jordan had cut herself off from society back then. Even when they’d moved to Missoula, she hadn’t tried to fit in.
A bitter taste wedged in her throat. She didn’t like that glimpse of herself, but she had to admit it was true. She hadn’t made friends. She’d used her childhood as an excuse to withdraw from people, then blamed Cade for leaving her alone.
She closed her eyes. How could she have been so immature? Hadn’t she done anything right?
Still reeling from this view of her past, she opened her eyes and hobbled off. The bay doors opened with a quiet whoosh as she limped from the emergency room into the lobby, and then out the hospital’s main entrance. The automatic doors slid open to the dark night and a blast of cool air.
She worked her way to the curb, stopped and stared at the near-empty lot. So here she was again, alone. She didn’t have family or friends in Missoula, didn’t know anyone who could help her, aside from Cade. And she had nowhere left to go.
And that was her own damned fault.
She stumbled to a bench beneath a light pole and sat. Moths swarmed above her in the halogen haze. A few cars passed on the nearby road, people going home to waiting families. But no one was expecting her. She didn’t have that family she’d always longed for or the husband she’d always desired.
Because she’d pushed him away.
Her throat cramped with another spasm, and she blinked furiously to stem the hot tears. She’d messed up everything, all right. She’d wounded the man she’d loved and destroyed his trust.
But she couldn’t alter the past. And she couldn’t just sit here and weep. She wasn’t that weak girl anymore, and those helpless days were long gone. She sniffed back her tears and thought hard.
She could check herself into a motel, the same one she’d stayed in when she’d first arrived. She could take a taxi there and spend the night. Then, in the morning, she could resolve the rental car problem and take the first available flight back East.
But why bother? What did she have waiting in Virginia, aside from her job? She loved her work and had built herself a solid career, but nursing homes existed all over. She could find another job here if she decided to stay. Plus, she no longer had a boyfriend there; she couldn’t date Phil when she still loved Cade.
