I’m a bitch. I’ve been snapping at Ethan and saying mean things even though he helped me out when he didn’t have to. He let me move in with him, and even went as far as helping me pack up my apartment. But I can’t help it. It’s like there is this foul thing living inside me, this famished monster that wants nothing more than to be fed, and Ethan is getting in the way of the feast, only giving me broken pieces of pills, and he’s giving them to me less frequently each day. I haven’t felt this shitty since my mom and her driver picked me up from boarding school after the incident. She wasn’t there to rescue me, though, like I hoped. She was there to talk some sense into me.
“Well, I have to say that I’m very disappointed in you,” she’d said, staring out the tinted window as we drove through the city, the tall buildings shadowing the streets and the car. “Although, I’m not surprised.” She angled her head to the side to look at me and slipped her sunglasses onto the top of her head. “As much as I hate to admit it, I expected nothing less of you.”
The indignity and mortification of what happened at school still burned inside me and yet I still couldn’t control my tongue. “And why’s that, mother?”
“Watch your tone,” she snapped. “Just because your father isn’t here doesn’t mean you can disrespect me.”
“Why? You let my father.” I was sitting on the opposite side of the backseat, looking at her with such animosity for making me come to the city and the school. If I’d been in California then maybe I would have made better decisions. I wouldn’t have felt so lonely and therefore wouldn’t have gone looking for something to fill the emptiness inside me. I would have never met him and never have done things, disgusting, unimaginable things that I’ll forever regret.
Her eyes snapped wide and before I had time to register what she was doing, she slapped me hard across the cheek. Heat and pain ignited across my face and inside my heart, too. But I didn’t cry. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of crying in front of her.
I cupped my cheek with my head hung low so she couldn’t see the hurt in my eyes. “You’re acting like this was entirely my fault, but I didn’t even know what I was doing. I didn’t understand… I didn’t…” I shook my head, discouraged at myself, but still able to will myself to sit up straight. “It really hurts.”
“Hurting and crying over something a guy did to you is pathetic, Lila Summers,” she said and I had to resist an eye roll because she was seriously one to talk about being pathetic. “And it is your fault. You made the decision to be with him, even though you knew he was older, and now we have to deal with the consequences.”
“We?” I questioned.
“Yes, we,” she said in a calm voice as she tugged off her leather gloves. “Everything you do is done to this family. Your father has family here—you know that. You have cousins and some of his business colleagues’ kids go to the school. How do you think I found out about this to begin with?” She tossed her gloves onto the seat, then reached for her purse. She took out a prescription bottle and read the label. “And the outburst in the middle of class… you’re making us look like we’ve raised some kind of lunatic.”
I’d balled my fists. “The other kids are tormenting me, though. Those stupid Precious Bells told the entire school, and now everyone keeps saying what a little slut I am and how I threw myself on Se…” I trailed off, unable to utter his name. “A-And I haven’t been sleeping very well… I’ve been having nightmares about waking up underneath… underneath him.” I summoned a deep breath, wishing she’d hug me or something, or try to make me feel a little better. She used to give me hugs when I was little, but then my father got a mistress and she got her pills and wine. When she was taking them, which was almost always, they became the most important things to her, and everything else, including me, didn’t seem to matter.
She stared at me with a little bit of sympathy as she twisted the cap off the pills. “Take one of these a day until you’re feeling better.” She grabbed my hand and dumped a pill into my palm.
“What is it?” I held the tiny white pill warily.
“It’s something that’s going to make this all better,” she insisted, screwing the cap back on. “For everyone. You, me, and your father.”
I knew it was wrong, yet she was watching me expectantly, and all I really wanted to do was make the heavy, humiliating, filthy, self-loathing pain vanish, so I tipped my head back and swallowed the pill.
“Good girl,” my mom said like I was a dog who had just done the correct trick and had been rewarded with a treat. She handed me the bottle and then pulled her sunglasses back over her eyes and crossed her legs. “And if you run out, let me know and I’ll get you more.”
And she did. Every time I’d run out, she’d get me a refill. Sometimes when I was visiting at home, she’d share her stash. We’d take the pills and then go shopping or something, the only visible thing inside either or our bodies were the shallow, materialistic, shadows of our true selves.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in Micha’s old room, which is my new temporary room. And a lot of that time I spend staring in the mirror, not in vain or anything, just looking at my reflection and trying to figure out who I am without pills in my system. The blue eyes that stare back at me are not recognizable, too wide and confused, instead of blank like they’ve been for years.
As sobriety starts to seep in with each passing day, I try to figure how I got to this exact moment when it felt like I’d been okay just a few days ago. In four days’ time it feel like a thousand bricks have tumbled down on my chest and are pinning me to the bed. And I wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop them from crushing me.
Ethan
“Your couch smells like old cheese.” Lila walks into my room with a scowl on her face. It’s the same scowl she’s been wearing for the last four days, ever since I learned about her habitual pill popping habit. “And your fridge has mold in it.”
“Well, at least it runs.” I put my pen away and shut the notebook, toss it on the nightstand, and lean against the headboard. “It could have no power
Her forehead creases as her scowl intensifies. Her hair isn’t combed, and she still has on the pair of boxer shorts and the tank top she slept in. “What were you just doing?” She eyes the notebook. “Writing about what a bitch I am?”
I cross my arms and stretch my legs out on the bed in front of me. “Why would I have to write about that when I can tell you in person?”
Her blue eyes turn cold. “You’re an asshole.”
“You know, you’ve said that about twenty times in the last few days and it’s getting really old, especially since most assholes wouldn’t just let you move in with them.”
She shakes her head and huffs with frustration. “It’s time for you to give me another stupid piece of my pill.”
I glance at my watch and then shake my head. “Not yet.”
She lets out a scream through gritted teeth and then flips me off before leaving my room. My head flops back against the headboard and I stare up at the crack in the ceiling. I’m not sure if I’m doing anything right, whether I’m helping her or harming her. She’s so much different, more closed off and stubborn and bitchy. She won’t talk about anything and complains about everything. She’s driving me fucking crazy.
